The Disease that Killed Love
by Rosabell
Summary: After a phone call, Syaoran was sent back to Hong Kong and the gang went with him for reasons even they don't know. When there, they find unpleasant news; Yue was Syaoran's father, and because of that Syaoran was bearing a deadly desease. Since death is n
1. Prologue-Touya

The Desease that Killed Love

Prologue-Touya

Of course, it's widely known we don't get along well together. He's got quite an attitude which was very _very_ annoying. It started as ' you hurt my imotou!' and then, it turned to ' you challenge my personality'. It probably is hard to judge who's better at glaring. I have my father's eyes, but I use them to glare at girls a lot. And little boys too, since Sakura is not ugly, I daresay, though I always call her a kaijuu. It really had nothing to do with her appearance. But in any case, I am good at glaring. Syaoran, on the other hand, has a natural talent. He's a genius at glaring. His eyes are built for glaring. And he uses them well. So though it may be hard to judge who's better at glaring, in reality, he defeated me a long time go. After some time of this, it no longer became a contest of ' who's the better glarer'. It became ' who can hypnotize the other first'. I never knew that his eyes were that strong until this started. Maybe this was why Sakura could never get us to break apart. I never really forgave him for that. Which was why I had decided to take psychiatry when I graduate from college. Perhaps I can tell what his past life is, and then when he wakes, I'll tease him to no end.

So we don't get well along together. Sure. It's hard to actually tell why we just don't tolerate each other. Definetely not because of jealousy, and the thing with Syaoran hurting Sakura was long past. No, I forgave him for that. But it wasn't jealousy. I had no reason to be jealous of someone seven years younger than me, and he had no reason to be jealous of someone seven years older than he. No, it's not because of jealousy. More of because...

Oh yes, competition. I would have really had had no life if I had competed with a ten year old, but the truth is I don't. So there!

  
  
I don't exactly remember when this whole thing with Yue, Sakura and Syaoran started...somewhere around June, I think. Wait-was it May or June? June, because that's the time when summer starts...yes, June. I remember it was quite a hot day, we were all sweating while standing there like idiots. The trees didn't provide much protection against the heat. They only protect against skin cancer, and that was one day when I particular did not appreciate global warming. Yukito was leaning against the tree while I was sitting on one of the branches. I think it was after school, though I can't be sure. I was spraying water all over my head. The sun could have roasted a horse within minutes. And what do you know. Here comes the kaijuu, with the gaki, and Daidouji-san who was carrying an umbrella shielding both of them along with the Hiriingaziwa guy.  
_Gee,_ I remember thinking. _Why didn't I think of that._  
" Konnichiwa!" Yukito called to them. Sakura blushed, as usual. Syaoran just glared at me for a second before suddenly yelping. His yelp nearly made me fall off the tree, though I didn't, but my water bottle did. It hit Yuki on the head, and since it was open, the water sprayed all over Hiriingaziwa, Tomoyo, and Yukito. Tomoyo tossed her umbrella in surprise...

And there goes the umbrella.

It was funny how things can happen like this.

So, needless to say, I was really annoyed with the gaki, having started all this. It happened to be, as I later found out, his way of dealing with unexpected pain. However, I didn't know that, so we parted with hard feelings.

  
  
So as I said, it was hot. If I didn't spray everyone with water, everyone would have been soaked anyway. It was a wonderful day to go to the beach, but even that would be painful. I daresay we miss the ozone layer at that time. Not that we don't miss it at other times, just that time we miss it most of all. It's a great way to get a nice tan in five minutes. Sakura and I went home looking like carved up tomatoes. And it was quite weird, because the more red she was, the more green her eyes looked, and the more green her eyes looked, the more red she seemed. She must have driven otou-san quite dizzy before she said ' Tadaima', I daresay. The next day was the last day of school, and then I'm off to college. I remember thinking _better tease her as much as you can this summer. You won't get another chance._ But that's another story altogether.

I had thought that day was hot. The next was even hotter. We were graduating, Sakura was still going to school, and there was nothing I want more than an air conditioner. What's worse, the auditorium in my school didn't have a fan, since the fan was broken and they had to fix it, so quite a ceremony it was, with the audience fanning themselves and body odor floating around. Quite comely. It lasted for quite some time. Night is not especially cool those days. So I went home, still sweating, wishing for some rain. Yukito seemed to be melting as well, but I guess since he's not particularly sunny and more of moonshine he fared worse than I did. What's worse, it was cloudy that night, and stuffy. Yukito and I went to my house and the first thing we thought of was ' TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONER'

Well, the gaki was there, and I certainly did _not_ forget the hard feelings.

I don't know how long we glared. Five minutes? Maybe six? But in any case it was quite a long time, and I was getting hypnotized. Yukito stared at us, very much confused. The kaijuu sweatdropped, and then,

There came a very nice tune of Nokia, and Syaoran facefaulted, taking it out, he answered.  
" Wei? Mama-oh..."

I guess that's how the ticket thing started. 


	2. Chapter 1-Tomoyo

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 1- Tomoyo

Li-kun didn't really explain much, as I remember it. We probably wouldn't have gone with him if it wasn't for Sakura, I mean. Eriol-kun and I both knew how much Li had loved her, sort of, and we thought that, of course, it was one of the cutest things there was. So we sort of persuaded Sakura to agree to go with Li to Hong Kong. _Bad_ mistake.

Touya had the grace to disagree, for he didn't really like Li. But Sakura has this talent with puppy eyes, and so do I, so we drove him crazy with it. Kinomoto san let his children come with Li, and Eriol and I went as well. Yukito, having nothing to do, and since Eriol lied to him that Hong Kong would be much cooler than Tomoeda and has a lot less mosquitoes, which he actually believed.

There was nothing special about the flight. We got there within twenty four hours. It was quite uneventful, save that Kero kept on wanting to try the food. _Bad_ idea. The cheese was disgusting. The only thing that was good was the soda. Li was pale all through the flight. Sakura was worried, of course. But other than that, there wasn't much to tell.

It was a lot cooler when we reached the Li Mansion. Perhaps because Hong Kong is cooler, or because the clouds were covering the sun. The ozone layer must be strong here, or else we probably would have melted like ice cream. The breeze was comforting, and everything was the bright green of spring, perhaps some magic was at work. There were actually flowers still blooming at this time of the year. The grass was so green it bewilders the eyes. But Li became paler, and stumbled into Touya, who whirled around in alarm. Li said nothing, and Touya cocked his head, but was silent.

We were welcomed in very uneventfully, as before. Yelan was a kind woman, and we were showed to our rooms. But Li seemed paler than ever, and that evening when all of us gathered he did not show.  
" What do you think happened to him?" Sakura-chan asked, as worried as she was on the plane, perhaps more.  
" I don't know." Touya stared at Yukito. " He seems sick. Why are we here anyway?"  
" He didn't say." Eriol answered, shrugging.   
" Where is he?" I asked. " He looked as pale as snow. This is not like him."  
Yelan appeared, calling on Yukito, which puzzled us all. When they left, we were silent for a moment. That moment, I remember, was as tense as if we were about to be killed. Then we all began to talk at once.

That lasted quite a while. I think we must have been quite entertaining to watch, although not to hear. When we all finally quieted down, there was a more sensible conversation.  
" Why do you think she was interested in Yukito?" Sakura asked.  
" Hmph." Touya snorted.   
" Something with Yue?" I suggested.  
" Who's Yue?" Touya asked.  
" Nothing." We all said, and they all glared at me. I sweatdropped.  
" I think there's something very fishy about this," Eriol rubbed his chin. " I'm going to check on Syaoran."  
" Me too." Sakura jumped and went with him. Touya growled.

That was it for that day. But the next day came with a big surprise.

  
  
It was a cheerful morning, as I remember. I was looking into the window when I woke up. There were leaves brushing against the glass. A nice day. I laid on the bed for a while before I sat up and went out of bed. It seemed like a little paradise. I got dressed and went out into the hallway.  
" Ohayo, Daidouji-san!" One of Li's sisters, Fanren I think, called.  
" Ohayo, Li-san!" I called. " How was your sleep?"  
" Good." She chuckled. " I was supposed to ask that. And yours?"  
" Good." I answered. " How do you manage to drown out the noise?"  
" It's far from the highway!" Fanren joked. " How do you manage to sleep so long, Daidouji-san? The birds woke me up at six thirty."  
I laughed. " Yes, that's why they have roosters as alarm clocks. They're one of the louder ones."  
We parted in good humor. I went over to Sakura's room to see if she was awake. She was, and Kero was flying about, free from his bag since Touya did not share a room with his sister-quite a chaotic scene it would have been then if they did.  
" Ohayo Tomoyo-chan!" Sakura greeted me. " This place is so nice. I have never slept so deeply!"  
" That's because you don't have to go to school, unless you wish to learn Chinese." Kero snorted.  
Sakura threw a pillow at the guardian. " So Tomoyo-chan, when's breakfast ready?" She asked.  
" I don't know. Li-san never told me." I said. " Should we ask Li-kun?"  
She knew who I meant. " Syaoran?" She sighed. " I'm worried about him. He doesn't seem well, and when I checked on him with Eriol, he denied everything. But when we closed the door we heard a soft groan and something that sounds like plopping on the bed."  
" Maybe he's just tired from his long flight." I suggested. " He got really sick in the middle of it."  
" I wish." Sakura muttered.

Sakura and I went out into the hallway and met the rest of our Japanese group in the living room. This time, Li was there. None of us asked any questions, because judging from the annoyed expressions on everyone else's faces we could guess that those questions have already been asked. Touya and Li probably were engaged in a glaring contest, but when we entered they had both settled back. There was a talk going on between Touya and one of the older sisters-Fuutie I think. Though I'm not sure if that's her name. Was it Feimei? I don't know. Anyway, Touya and Fuutie/Feimei were talking, Yelan and Yukito were talking. We sat down next to Li.

The strange thing was, Li was listening intently to what his mother and Yukito-san were saying. And when we listened, we heard why.  
" The last time you came here something happened." Yelan was saying. " I know you learned a lot about modern life...but, well, it's hard to say..."  
" What happened?" Yukito asked. " What happened when Yue was here?"  
" We..." Yelan swallowed, and sighed. " We had a child."  
" Nani?" Yukito choked. " How?" He was starting to look half Yue.  
" I don't know." Yelan answered. " I became pregnant. It was enough to believe the whole story about Madonna. I don't know how it happened, but it was definetely yours, because...he carried your aura."  
_He._ That was the key word. _He._ Syaoran leaned forward, and it was then that Yelan saw him.  
" What happened?"  
All then was silent. Fuutie paled, and since it was the first time Syaoran spoke, we all listened. All of us.  
Yelan swallowed. Yukito transformed to Yue and stood up.  
" Is _he_ the one?"  
Yelan was silent.  
" You two had a child?" Syaoran stared. " And Yue was here before?"  
" You mean that Syaoran was the child?" Yue shook his head. " Be careful what you say, Li-san."  
" You've got to be kidding me!" Syaoran stood up, paler than ever. " _That_ is my father? _That's_ the father I've been dreaming about all my childhood? You mean _my _father is Sakura's guardian? You've got to be kidding! He can't be my father! He doesn't even have a gender! Is that how I got it, Mama?!"  
" He can't be him." Yue shook his head. " Are you sure, Li-san?"  
" You better not be sure!" Li went to his mother. " Please mother, tell me he's not it! Tell me he's a normal man who I can trust and love and laugh with and all! He can't make children, good god! He can't be my father, it's impossible!"  
" Xiao lang..." Yelan sighed. Fuutie swallowed and waited for her mother's next words. The words that will shatter everything.  
" Your father is Yue."

  
  
Silence.

Silence. Touya's eyes were wide. Sakura looked at me, worried, hoping that there was some mistake.  
" When you showed the symptoms," Yelan began, " I knew it was so for sure. This was why immortals cannot blend with mortals. If they do, they get extremely ill. Because the immortal and mortal forces starts fighting with one another, destroying everything. When I felt a shadow upon my heart, I knew that you do not have...much time."  
" So it was because of him then." Li's eyes blazed with hatred. " He gave me this desease, isn't that so? He's the reason I was born. He's the reason I fail everything!"  
" Didi, that's not true." Fuutie reached for her brother. " It's not Yue's fault, he didn't know, and you didn't fail!"  
" He's the reason why I have to drink that bitter draught every morning and every night! He's the reason I failed the Final Judgement, right? Because Sakura's healthy and I'm not. I thought I was a Li! It turns out I was...something! Nameless!"  
They were starting to speak in Chinese, but I could get a rough trace of what they were talking about. We couldn't speak, couldn't comfort him, and Yue was no help either.  
" He's not my son." he said defiantly. " My son would not turn out like that, and as he said, I can't have any."  
Sakura looked at me for help, as Kero looked at Yue. But there was no help to give. We can't expect the two of them to just accept this news. As funny as it may seem, it is too difficult. And with all respect to him, Yue so far does not seem very caring to anyone but his master. And that master is Sakura-chan. Not Li. 


	3. Chapter 2-Yue

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 2-Yue

That is not my son.

Those were the first thoughts in my mind. That is not my son. And yet he is. Who could deny reality? It was not the first time I did it, but reality never gave in. How many times have I said to myself _Clow-sama is not dead, he's here, he's here, he's just gone_, and yet...

Clow is gone. And he isn't _just_ gone. He's gone forever. Never to return.

But one cannot expect me to accept this news. And Syaoran was not the most likeable boy.

The child was starting to cry, and I feel like kicking him. The sharing of blood and flesh did not enhance our love for each other. But Yelan had been kind to me before.

Eleven years ago I awoke from the Clow Book. And somehow, I can't remember how, I ended up in Hong Kong. I had no knowledge of anything modern, was not familiar with cars or television. Thankfully, Li Yelan had found me and taken me in, patiently teaching me all that I needed to know, so I could come to Japan and wait for the Card Master.

For that I'm grateful. But Li Syaoran-he was an unexpected thing. When I first heard of him I knew something was wrong-Yelan did not have a son the time when I was there. I have never met her husband. Her husband was probably dead; we never talked about it. But now that I thought of it I remember she did feel her stomache a lot, and throws up in the morning, signs of pregnancy.

But that does not make me feel any affection for the sobbing child.

" Xiao lang, listen to me! I don't know how it happened, I just got pregnant, and than you were born." Yelan was desperately trying to comfort her son. " I had a feeling it might be Yue, but I only assumed! I didn't _know!_" She was speaking in Cantonese, which I understood, since I lived here for some time.  
" So I'm an accident then?" Syaoran was not helping his mother. He wore a look of complete bewilderment and anguish. " Well, why did you keep me then?"  
  
Yelan shrunk back as if slapped. I thought it was the most ridiculous question in the whole history of relationships between mother and son. Syaoran obviously was not thinking.

" Xiao lang..." Yelan trembled. " I love you Xiao lang. You were so beautiful when you were born, so perfect..."  
" Perfect?" Syaoran laughed. " You call this perfect?" He took a knife, and to the horror of us all, stabbed his left arm. Blood oozed out.

Blood should be red.

Dark dark red, rose red, blood red, so it can be turned to purple or black when too much color is filled.

Blood is red.

But his, the child, the child's blood, it's too light to be red.

It's pink.

That's not blood. That's...

" You call this perfect?" Syaoran laughed like a lunatic. " I'm a freak! And I wonder, where did I get this color from? That moon devil over there?" He glared at me. " Or is it just by chance, an _accident_?"  
  
Sakura moved to speak. Touya held her back.

" Why didn't you tell me, Mommy?" Syaoran asked, this time quiet, his arm dropping to his side, blood still flowing. His voice was barely above a whisper. He saw no one but me and his mother. " Why didn't you? Why didn't you tell me who Daddy is? It wouldn't have been so bad. I wouldn't go looking for the cards like that. I would have stayed right here, just as you told me. Have I been a bad boy? Did I do something that you don't like? Don't you trust me, Mommy?" He went over to his mother and fell on his knees before her. " Why did you lie to me? I thought I had a chance. Maybe I could..." He fell silent, dropping his head, but when Yelan reached forward he sprang back on his feet several feet away from her.  
" Wang ba dan." He cursed in Manderin, at me, and with a glare at his mother he sprang off out of the mansion.

Things suddenly seemed to be hanging from a cliff by a thread. I didn't dare move, because I thought if I did we would fall down into the bottomless pit. It was Sakura who saved us.  
" What was the blood thing all about?" She demanded. She felt she had the right to know what's wrong with her friend.

Fuutie happened to be the innocent one in this situation, and since her mother couldn't she explained to us.  
" Syaoran was carrying a desease that doctors couldn't identify. Nothing was actually wrong with his system. His magic was the problem. Yue's and Mama's magic are fighting each other to gain control. It is destroying him. Which was why Syaoran was blaming Yue." She looked at me apologetically.  
  
Her words seemed to wake me from some deep trance. I stared at her.  
" Immortal and mortal blood!" I cried. " So he's-he's..."  
" Hai." She said, using Japanese as I was.   
" Why did you let him go to Tomoeda?" I asked, completely bewildered. " This is complete ludicrous!"  
" He wanted to go." Fuutie said softly. " He wanted to go. We've been confining for some years of his memory. When he turned five or so, he told us he wanted to prove that he could live a normal life and not a life that is weak and feeble and meaningless. Our mother and us sisters talked with him for a long time before we let him go do martial arts training. We weren't surprised when he didn't pass the Final Judgement-he wasn't very quick. But Mama knew that it was a blow to his high hopes and let him stay in Japan for a while, since Eriol came and all, and wanted to give him another chance-not a risky one, but enough so that he would feel better. He was always emotional-and that worsens the desease."  
  
Emotional. Who could have known, the ' gaki' was emotional. But he loved Sakura, and love is an emotion. And then the word ' worsen' kicked in. He kept himself cold so the emotions won't worsen the desease, his sickness.

" I'll go get him." Touya offered, and Fuutie nodded. Yelan did not raise her head.  
When Touya went out, Kero popped out, having heard and seen the whole thing from behind Sakura.  
" Hey, Yue, daijoubu?"  
For a moment I couldn't answer him. I was still pondering on Fuutie's words.  
" Why not you rest for a bit, alright?" Sakura offered. " This is a big thing to swallow for all of us who have not heard it." She waited, expecting me to turn into Yukito.

But I can't. I'm not at peace. I was restless. I can't.

And then cold realization came in. A different turn went in my heart, and my mind seemed to open.

I have a son! I have a son! My own son, my own child. My own little one who I can hug and inspire, who I can call ' sonny,' and who could call me ' Daddy' in Cantonese, or maybe ' otou-san' if he wished. I am a father! I have a son who I can protect, tease, teach, and love. I have a child to love and care for.

I have a child. And he hates me. 


	4. Chapter 3-Eriol

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 3-Eriol

I probably shouldn't have went, since it wasn't directly connected with me, but Syaoran was my descendant.

Alright. Maybe not _my_ descendant. Close enough. I just don't like saying ' the descendant of the preincarnation of me'. It would be truly bothersome. Li didn't really mind what I use-he doesn't like any of it. 

It really didn't matter. I wasn't going to call him that. When I followed Touya out, something stirred in my heart and I felt dread. I did not need Yelan to tell me that Syaoran was in peril. Mortal and immortal blood don't mix, as Syaoran had said, and those two will fight until they destroy his whole system. It wasn't just magic now. It was his own body. His own blood, flesh, bones. Which was probably why his blood was pink-Yue's was white as milk.

So I followed Kinomoto-san. We stopped at the edge of the garden, where the forest began, and Touya muttered something under his breath. I knew that Syaoran was in grave danger at this point. This explains everything he went through. Why he was so cold. If he wasn't, well, thump, he'll be gone.

But there was no time. I had to find him. Touya and I had to find him.

But where is he?  
" There, I sense his aura from over there, but it's awfully weak." I told him, and then I blinked. Touya had never spoken anything about never heard of magic. He never saw Yue before. So how come he didn't say anything?

But he was running. Running like the good runner that he was, running as fast as he ever went. It was no longer a competition now. He knew that we are in need of haste as much as I do. This outburst of emotion alone could kill him. If he wastes his energy in running, Syaoran will not have much chances.  
" Syaoran!" Touya's voice interrupted my thoughts. Up ahead, the figure of that boy, leaning against the trunk of a huge tree, pink with his blood. Foam formed at his mouth, a horrible sight. He was slipping down to his knees, his eyes flashing brilliantly but alarmingly.  
" Syaoran!" Touya called again. We ran with all speed to him and Touya slowed as we neared. The tall boy knelt down and felt the child's forehead, supporting it with his other hand. Syaoran's eyes looked glassy and he looked at Touya as if dazed. He groaned.  
" What happened to him?" Touya asked, having no clear idea what to do.  
" I honestly don't know. This thing works different ways on different people, or so they say. You don't usually have immortals and mortals blending like this." I said, hardly believing the words that I'm saying.

Syaoran woke at the sound of my voice and gazed at us in panic. I suddenly remembered that Touya and he didn't work along very well, and even if he tolerates me I wasn't the one he would like most to be with.  
" It's okay." Touya told him. " We're here to help. Do you think you can keep awake?"  
  
Syaoran did not answer. Touya cupped his head in his hand, and rolling it to his arm he lifted the Li child up.  
" How far are we?" He asked. " I can't run like before. The adrenaline is going."  
" Pretty far." I said mournfully. " But I can get us there quick." He nodded and waited. I sighed and tried to concentrate. _Teleportation. Teleportation. Right. That's the spell._

  
  
The spell wasn't as fast as I would have liked. But nonetheless it was faster than Touya would have ran. We reached the mansion after a quarter of an hour, and there, we met Meiling.

I didn't see her the other night, so I had been wondering where she was. But I was preoccupied with worrying over Syaoran, that I didn't think of her much. The Li mansion was a two story mansion, but it covered a huge area and has an irregular shape. Each set of families was divided into one piece-Syaoran and his mother and sisters divided to the middle, Meiling and her family at the back, and a good deal of boys and girls at all sides with their families. Servants and gardeners are at another set of houses. It was a big family, which was why they were called the clan.  
" What happened?" I heard Meiling ask.  
" I have no idea." I told her, and it was partly true. " Just tell us, where from this side is Syaoran's room? We entered from the front, not the back."  
" Come." Meiling knew she shouldn't ask questions. Smart girl. We didn't need any.  
  
We followed Li Meiling through a good deal of the mansion before we reached the middle section, which was probably a little more to the right, since there was no middle in actuality. Touya went up the stairs and set Syaoran on his bed. He turned around.  
" Where's Li-san? What's her name? Yelin?"  
" Yelan Li? Aunt?" Meiling blinked. " Never saw her."  
" Urgh!" I growled. " I'll go find her and Yue-he better not be up after this it will waste his energy. Where's Sakura?" I ran out of the room.

  
  
To my relief, somehow the group had managed to get Yue to transform to Yukito and get some rest. Or maybe he just shrunk back because he was afraid to face the truth again. Either way it was good, for him. Yue, like Syaoran needs to keep his feelings in check. He could easily blow up the entire earth if he wants to and he knows it. But in this case, Yukito is in no shape. So I was no longer worried about him. Now, for Syaoran.

I had to find Yelan. But I didn't know where she is. I didn't know where Sakura was either; she was not in her room. So I called. I called and called, getting more desperate, because every passing second Syaoran's aura flared and died. Yelan appeared by herself, and followed me.

She had prepared the ' bitter draught', as Syaoran called it, and before, Syaoran had taken it like a good boy. This time, he shrieked, thrashing wildly, and it took all of Touya's and Nakuru's strength to keep him down. He wouldn't swallow the thing, and I had to cover his mouth to keep him from spitting it out. It was no longer any fault of his. He wasn't angry. The auras were making him delirious.

I don't remember that day very well after that. The medicine had an act of sleep in them, so soon after Li finished them all he fell asleep. I was feeling sick to the stomache, I remember, seeing him like that, tears staining his face. He was still sobbing as he slept, and Touya offered to stay with him and comfort him the best he could.

I had to explain all that happened to Meiling, since Yelan wouldn't talk. After that there wasn't much else. We waited till the next morning to see if Syaoran was alright.

Of course, as expected, he wasn't. Touya stayed with him all night, instead of Yelan. You cannot blame her-she could not face her son. Tomoyo was angry at Yue for not doing anything, but you can't expect him to either. But not withstanding, Syaoran cried the whole night, asking why he was so weak, why Yue of all people had to be his father, why couldn't he live normally, why is he a failure, and so on. It was heartbreaking.

And we didn't know what to do.

I didn't know what to do. 


	5. Chapter 4-Syaoran

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 4- Syaoran

It was one of those times, when no matter how much sunlight you see, the color of flowers, the blue of the sky, you feel the burden of life on your shoulders, weighing you down. Death probably felt more free. Perhaps it was like flying, so many years gravity has held, and when death comes you are swept off your feet and you fly up to touch the sun.

At that time, I was too weary to live. I was ready for death to sweep me off my feet, to fly up to the sky, to feel the sun's fire. But like gravity, Life forbade, and I was still here, lonesome and feeling forgotten, not by the mortals around me but by those that are able to help me touch the sun. 

Perhaps if Yue had shown more heart and kindness, I would have taken it better. But all the impression I had gotten from him was coldness, coldness, coldness, with a narrow mind, his concentration keen and directed at Clow and Sakura alone. There were times, when I was with him, when I wanted to hit him on the head with two fingers and yell into his ear, " Clow Reed is not the only magician in this world!" But I never let that get to me. It was too perilous, with the mixed aura that I was carrying, this weakness and torment that I have to suffer. No doctors can cure it. No doctors.

I wanted a Daddy all my life. I always imagined him as this strange shadow, with a face I cannot imagine, this shadow that protects me from the cold, from the heat, from the unforgiving sun. And when I cry, I imagine this shadow spreading his arms and pulling me into his embrace, and when I do something well, I imagine the shadow laughing and telling me, " Well done, my son!"

This shadow I imagined had somehow given me a sense of what a father should be like. Whenever I was scared, or when I felt death creeping near, before I learned what it really was and feared it, I imagine this shadow coming to me and whispering, _You're strong. You can fight it. Win for me, my son! And I shall be proud! Do not be afraid! I'm here for you._ And I imagine that I would calm down and smile, and say, _Daddy, I'll live. I'll make you proud._

And when I learned of the Clow Cards, I imagine the shadow near, and I say to him, _Watch me, Daddy! I can capture the cards, and I'll make you proud. I'll show that I'm strong. I'll show that this desease cannot corrupt me!_

But then...

I remember that horrific night. Yue looked at me, his figure like a god, and I imagined the shadow right beside me. But that shadow failed. I used all of my powers for each spell, but it could never defeat him. And then...

I felt the weakness. I felt the burden. The crystals shot at me and I couldn't move fast enough, no matter how hard I tried. Each crystal pierced the skin and I was afraid the others will know. But the blood mixed with green and became the dark brown of norm, and the truth was hidden. But I will never forget that night, when I moved too slow. I couldn't move. I felt paralyzed, as if I was trying to swim in quicksand. And the pain came, I heard Yue say, " It is over..."

No. That was not the shadow that I had imagined. The shadow I felt would never hurt me like that. He will aid me, and when my movements are lagging behind, he'll push me forward. He will not say it is over, he will say it is beginning, and that I will not die. I will not fail. I am strong. I'll make my daddy proud.

I'll make my daddy proud. How many times have I thought that, training with Meiling, with my teacher, self training at home, looking at the few cards that I have captured. How many times have I imagined the faceless smile on his face as I went to sleep, comforted by his imaginary presence. How many times that girl, Sakura, stepped in my way. It was not a fair trial. She was healthy. I was not. Yet it was my fault. I never told anyone, and Yue will not be merciful simply because I was weak. A sick master is a bad master, he thinks, because he simply will not have the strength to control the cards.

My idea of capturing the cards and mastering them was absurd from the start. But I wanted to make my daddy proud. And that was all that mattered.

And now, the shadow bore the face of Yue. It bore the cold eyes, the hard glare, the smile was gone and the whisper was only the deep and rough voice of the guardian telling me that it is no use. You can't do it. It is over. The battle has already been lost. Which battle? Is it only the battle of the cards? Or is it something else, more important, far larger than simply a pack of cards? Could this be really over? Could it be that I am not strong, because I did not pass a trivial judgement?

And I hate her. Hate that girl that stepped in my way. If it hadn't been for her, I would have won, I think. She was a distraction. She captured all my cards. And Meiling carried out that emotion well. Yet I still wonder, if I had captured all the cards instead of Sakura, would I still win? What if she never existed? What if I was cured? But what's the use of what if? The shadow was gone. What if he's here? Does it matter?

There were times when I wanted to kill her myself. That Kinomoto Sakura. It was all her fault. But I knew it was not. Yet still, it wasn't fair. She was healthy. She had a daddy. But it was fair. She didn't have her mommy. No, it wasn't fair. She had a guardian to aid her. But that guardian did not help her much. And I had Meiling.

It was not fair. She has so many friends, and I'm alone. She has the energy for so many friends, and I don't. So what's the use? It is fair then. No it's not. The debates ring in my head. I hated her. I loathed her. The very mention of her name makes my heart boil, and yet I keep it compressed. I am strong. I can get over it. And yet I still want her blood on my sword. I didn't care if the police come. Let the little people come! With their nice little uniforms. Let them send me to some psychiatry hospital and treat me for mental problems for all I care. I hated her. That was all I know. Because of her, Daddy won't be proud. Because of her, Daddy won't tell me that I'm strong. Just like that moon guardian had said. It is over. If I couldn't pass that test, what makes me strong? What makes me able to overcome this desease far more challenging?

And yet...whenever I see her face, those eyes saying hello, my heart melts. No, not her blood on that sword. No, don't let those eyes close. Don't let them dull. They are bright now, and that light is precious to me. No. Don't let those lips pale, let them stay as rosy as they are and tilted up in a smile. No. Don't let that voice fade. Let it ring in laughter! Let her laugh! Let her smile! Let her dance in glee! She won the cards! She has triumphed! She has made her daddy proud! It was never her fault I was weak and she was not. It was not her fault she was destined to be the master of the cards. It was not her fault that she had a daddy and I didn't. It was not her fault she passed the test. She was innocent, as I am, and still am. And if I strike, I'll lose it forever, and so will she, if chance be she survives. Whenever I meet her, all hatred dies, the loathe gives way to amusement or fondness. She was sweet. She has something I do not possess. She was beautiful. She is my star.

And Yue?

I had oftened wondered, if my daddy wasn't Yue, and was someone else, more kinder, more loving, if my daddy was like that shadow that stayed in my mind every night, whispering sweet dreams, telling me stories that I made up myself, shielding me from the cold and heat and the unforgiving sun that shines no hope, would he be proud? Would he still be proud that I had tried, and that I had survived, and I conquered death all this time? 


	6. Chapter 5-Yue

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 5- Yue

I did not want to wake up. I wanted to stay ignorant. To stay in the dark, with the viel over my eyes, seeing my son that I never heard of. Or perhaps, wake, and then find it was all a mistake. That Syaoran wasn't my son after all. Or perhaps, it was all just a dream, and Syaoran never was.

But guardians don't dream.

The paternal feeling had gone, but it was returning, as I stood at the foot of the bed. Touya had left. The two of us were alone, me, and that child that was named my son.

He looked like the half dead thing that he was, his eyes closed and his mind off to some hopefully more comforting world. And I know that if I was lost he was more lost than I. He was a withered lily, white as the dry snow that falls in winter, with no color whatsoever about him. How he managed to become so dark when he came to Japan I do not know. Some magic at work? But now, whatever thing that vieled over him it was gone.

I remember looking at him and wondering if he is anything like me. And I found that he was. The same coldness, the same compressed mind. Yet he endured too much rage for his age. And it was all my fault.  
All mine.

" Daddy?"  
  
I blinked. No one had ever called me that, and I was sure he wasn't calling me. His eyes were closed. He was dreaming.  
" Tell me that story about the girl with the deer again." He said.  
  
I was silent. It was his dream. He had been imagining a father all alone. It was what he meant. That ' daddy' had told him a story about a girl with a deer. But it wasn't he who had told it. Syaoran made it up by himself.

_Daddy? Tell me that story about the girl with the deer again._

And I saw him as if for the first time. The child, yearning for love, longing for something he could not have. And he did the only thing he could do, to picture some strange image, some figure to subsitute him through his troubles. And all the while I was in Japan, completely ignorant as I had before wished, while he was left all alone to deal with his own problems. How awful it must of been, thinking of the father he wished he had, and when he turned to me, and did not see him. How did I look to him? Do I look harsh and cruel? Neglectful? Would I tell him the story about a girl with a deer?

I sat down at the edge of his bed and thought. Perhaps I shouldn't worry about who was my son. Because Syaoran wasn't the problem. Most likely it was me. If I was not a good father, then it could prove great ruin for him.

And I knew I did not want him to die.

  
  
It was some time before he woke. I was not in his room. At length, he seemed well, almost healthy, but the darkened coloring of his skin was gone, and he looked paler than Eriol. But other than that, he seemed quite well, which explained why we were fooled for so long.

He avoided me. That was reasonable. I was ready to accept him. He wasn't ready to accept me, and I knew I couldn't force him. No one spoke about the other day. Yelan never appeared, so we were hosted by her daughters, and they and I had a lot to talk about.

Yukito probably knew by now, but I wasn't going to let him do anything stupid. Syaoran, staying away from me, went and hung out with the least likely person-or beast-Kero. It was actually not much of a surprise though; Kero was perhaps the most optimistic person in our group-the only good thing about him. And I was glad that he was helping me on this one, which I knew he was, since he always gives me a reassuring glance when he manages to bring a smile on the poor child's face. But such things are short-lived. Syaoran has never smiled often, and he did not then.

I remember walking out into the gardens, when I saw Yelan again. She was not the woman that I had last remembered, cheerful, carefree, for now she looked worn and troubled, a woman of many days. I remember she looked at me once, speaking nothing, and then dwindled far away. No longer the proud, Mistress of the Li clan. She was a heartbroken and ashamed mother.

All the while, Touya was getting information about what we had been doing. He already had an idea, but there was much that he did not know. I was not the one to tell him, though. He got all the news from Sakura, as was appropriate. And I simply waited for Syaoran.

Fanren taught me how to make the draught. There were many rare herbs in it, and it was a wise thing that the Li clan kept a garden of it. Li had to drink it daily, and I felt pity for him, a young child having to endure this all.

And then, came the day I wished it didn't. And yet I did.

  
  
It was several days after he woke. Syaoran was out in the garden, practicing his martial arts, and I was worried. He had a look of anger on him, as if he was practicing to throw off his rage.

I watched him for a while before he suddenly dropped to his knees and started sobbing, and I became alarmed. I remember rushing over to him and holding him by the shoulders, and he went on sobbing, sobbing like the poor child that he was.  
" Why?" He asked. " Why can't I move fast enough? Why can't I do it?"  
" Syaoran, you're tired. You should rest." Was the only thing I could muster." Come."  
" Iie!" He cried, pushing away from me and falling over. " Iie!" He was starting to shriek. " What's happening to me? Why can't I hide it anymore?"  
" No hiding!" I said quickly. " No hiding! No more hiding, since it's no use, iie iie iie, don't start hiding things ever again, Li Syaoran."  
" _Li _Syaoran?" The child blinked at me through his tears. " _Li_?"  
  
And I suddenly realized that he does not have the same father as the other four had.  
" Li, if you wish." I said tiredly, suddenly weary.  
  
Then he laughed.

It was horrible. It was not the laugh of a child that he was. It was a laugh of someone mad. I stared at him in horror as blood began to roll down from the side of his mouth.

" Baka." He said in a voice hardly above a whisper. " Hiding. No more hiding, is that what you say? No more hiding. Well, then, I won't hide. See the blood?" He wiped it from his mouth and stared at it. " Pink. Like a girl. The weak girl." I blinked, and realized he said " the" weak girl.  
" Pink. Her favorite color, the color of her name, hai? Well, we match then. She has the eyes of my aura. I have the blood of hers. Isn't it so romantic?"

I blinked and held on more tightly.

" I wonder what her blood is like." And to my disgust, the child tasted his own blood. " Is it as stale as mine, or more salty? You see, Yue, you told me I shouldn't hide anymore. No more hiding, you say. Well then, I won't hide this. Your mistress is as idiotic as any other fool that dwells in this world. Her heart blinds her judgement. Or she might have found out long ago." He laughed again, but the laugh turned to sobs, heartbreaking sobs that I knew the laugh had attempted to cover.  
" I hate her!" He suddenly cried, " That _Card Mistress_. She goes about smiling, making so many friends, doing sports without fear of fainting. And _she_ won. _She _made me fail. I could have won, honestly!"

Was he breaking down at last?

" Why is _she_ strong and healthy? Why does _she_ get everything? I worked hard, honestly I did! I wanted to be strong..." He fell into sobs. I held him close, rocking him, pondering on his words.   
" You were strong." I said to him softly. " You were strong. You're as strong as the strongest person I know. It's okay..."  
" Mmh." He moaned, his voice muffled from being pressed to me. His entire body was shaking, but at least it was not so perilous. I stroked his hair, trying my best. I have never been a father.  
" I can't hate her." I heard him say. " I see her and then-and then-"  
" Shh." I said to him. " It's alright. It's alright," I rocked back and forth. " There's nothing wrong with being jealous, especially if you're like this. Come, don't cry, be a big boy. I'm proud of you Syaoran. If I had known you were my son before, I would be so proud, but it makes no difference. I'm still proud of you." 

He drew back and looked at me with those eyes filled with tears, but searching eyes, eyes searching mine, as if seeking the truth. I remember wondering, was I like the father he imagined?

He sobbed, and leaned forward, burying his head into my breast, and as I rocked him, a small, innocent, childish voice came from my son. The one word I have never heard directed at me my whole life. The word I had been waiting for.

" Daddy..." 


	7. Chapter 6-Sakura

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 6-Sakura

The land of the Li clan was very like that of the age of feudalism in China, where the noble aristocrats get land a country of size. And the Li clan was not small. Generations of elders, with hundreds of aunts and uncles and cousins of Syaoran. So many, that Syaoran did not know every one of them, and had yet to meet them all. But of all of the hundreds of cousins and aunts and uncles and elders, Meiling was his closest cousin. And Meiling, aside from his sisters and mother, is my closest friend, and the only one I know from that whole group.

There were many things to discover in that land. Hundreds of birds flocked within the trees. The air was fresh and cool, unlike that of the city of Tomoeda. It was hard to imagine any evil, darkness, or sorrow had ever existed here.  
  
Oni-chan asked many questions, un, many questions. Tomoyo-chan and I had managed to keep him company, and occasionally Meiling as well. The sisters of Syaoran-kun went to accompany his mother, as well as accompany the rest of us during breakfast, lunch, and dinner. None of us went out for a while to enjoy the sights-we didn't have the heart to, and it just didn't seem right with us having fun while Syaoran was at home, taking his bitter medicine.

I tasted it once. Li-san was brewing the herbs when I went to the kitchen, and she smiled sadly at me. I remember asking how did it taste, and if Syaoran really hated it. She did not answer, but held out the broth to me.

I dipped a finger in it. It was hot, but not so it would burn me. I sucked my finger dry.

Bitter! Indeed! Those few drops scorched my tongue as if it was spicy, and down my throat. The bitterness remained on my tongue, in my throat, around my teeth and the roof of my mouth. I was bitter. It was bitter. I stuck my tongue out and tried to rid it of the taste, but it wouldn't go. I looked at Li-san and asked, how could Syaoran drink such a thing? And she said,  
" He's a good boy. He's a very good boy."  
  
Not that I'm not a good girl. But she said it sadly, and I knew she meant that he did not deserve to drink this daily. The taste remained for hours, and the only thing that could relieve it was chocolate. Chocolate! No wonder Syaoran-kun loved chocolate, the only medicine for this bitter draught. Wonderful, sweet chocolate, Syaorans' favorite. And I no longer blame him, if I ever did.

Kero hung out with Syaoran, a good thing. Sometimes Syaoran would appear with Meiling, but that became less and less. He grew more and more quiet, and at mealtimes he would hardly eat anything. Spoke not a word to his mother, sometimes hanging out with his sisters, but never a word to me.

I will not hide the fact that I felt hurt, but I suppose the fact that Yue's his father and he's also my guardian Syaoran would not have anything to do with me for a long while.

One day it was raining. Syaoran was nowhere to be seen, and we, the young girls-Tomoyo, Meiling, and I, were in Meiling's room at the other side of the mansion. There were a couple of other mansions about, but this one happened to be the largest.  
" So Yamazaki fooled Chiharu on the only ' logical' story he had ever told in his life."  
" Really?" Meiling laughed. " He never said anything with common sense when I was there. People change quickly."  
" No kidding." I laughed uneasily. I was still worried about Syaoran, but for the present our minds are away from it. " So Chiharu-san went with him and you know what happened!"  
" Oh shoot!" Meiling laughed. " I so wish I was there to see her face!"  
" Hai, it was some laughing matter." Tomoyo smiled. " So how have things been going here?"  
" It was alright, I guess." Meiling thought for a moment. " Aunt was a little sick these days, I guess from the heat. I hope she's not having another baby again..."  
  
We sweatdropped. That was not a good reminder.

  
  
Kero came to my room during nighttime. It was still raining outside. I was laying on the bed reading Chinese-there were a great many words I didn't know, but most of them I understood, although the grammar was awful. It was kind of like saying " You are who?" although it probably would have been better if it was ' You are who_m_?" But I suppose it didn't matter. There was another funny thing that Chinese has-when they say " I speak Chinese," They say " Chinese speaks I". Or so it is to those who speak Japanese.

But not withstanding, Kero appeared through the doorway looking quite depressed, and flew over to my bedside.  
" The kid would not eat." He muttered. " He'll starve to death if he does not eat. And he insists on practicing that stupid martial arts at in his condition, although thankfully not now. Good god."  
" Ay, you know Syaoran, Always stubborn. We'll deal with him tomorrow." I yawned. " I hope he'll come to his senses. I feel so sorry for him."  
" Don't we all?" Kero snapped. " But he is drowning in self pity, not that I blame him, and his anger is going to kill him. I"m going to sleep in his room tonight."  
" Ano...hoe?" I blinked. " Ke-"  
  
But he was already gone. 


	8. Chapter 7-Kero

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 7-Kero

I spent the night in Syaoran's bedroom, and the child welcomed it. The next morning, I was off, eating. And that was when he went through the absurd training and breaking down in front of Yue.

Yue took Syaoran into the mansion and I saw that he seemed so lost, yet there was something about him I could not understand, something that has changed, warmed, fondness creeping over him. He loved Syaoran, I could tell, he had always loved him, but when Syaoran was revealed as his son, Yue grew even more fond of him, despite the fact that Syaoran wasn't ready to accept such news.

Syaoran was sobbing into Yue, but he was starting to tire. The poor child was exhausted as his father laid him on the bed. He shouldn't have gone out there. He should have stayed home. In this mansion. In his room, even.

Yue said nothing as he drew the covers over the child and tucked him in. When he stood up he still had this dazed expression, and then he sat down by the edge of the bed, his arm around Syaoran, gazing out the window.

" Ano...Yue?" I called. " Daijoubu?"  
  
For a long while, he did not answer. The same blank look lingered.  
" He called me Daddy." He finally said.  
" Nani?"  
" He called me Daddy, Kerberus." There was a faint sign of a smile on his face. " My son called me Daddy."  
  
I stared at him in disbelief. " Then why is he crying?"  
" Tired." Yue said, weary himself. " He was exhausted. A lot of anger was in him. More than he deserves."  
" Good god." I whisper. " Is he going to be alright?"  
" He will be. As long as I'm here." Yue said determinedly, and I knew some paternal instinct awoke in him. " I'll make sure of it."

  
  
Syaoran's room was covered with wallpaper, and his room was actually not as big as you think, although one could see there is plenty of room to practice his sword waving. The bed was in the middle, probably closer to the window, and there were nightstands on each side. The bed wasn't the most comfortable- maybe Chinese just sleep on hard beds, but in any case it might prove well for the old people. There was a desk and a chair, two shelves filled with books with Japanese that are completely out of grammar-oh, I mean, Chinese, since there were some words that don't exist in our language. There were two shelves with six layers and some on the bottom, so you could probably imagine how many books Syaoran had. He had a closet which was pretty neat, and a chest of drawers with nice ornaments on them, since his family could afford them. There was one ornament filled with nice smelling powder, probably " xiang", in Mandarin, for I don't know Cantonese as well as Yue. Syaoran had a lot of CD's, although the queer thing was none of them were pop, as was the more popular genre nowadays. He was very " classical", for you don't usually find ten year olds reading " Gone with the Wind" the transelated version or no, or " War and Peace", and you certainly won't find many children having about seventy five CD's in which all of them are works by Beethoven and Brahms and that sort. But in any case, the CD's weren't what really amazed us, because there are some kids like that, and the books really surprised us but that wasn't what really shocked us. There was a china shelf filled with porcelain and china crafts like pots and such, On the very top was his sword, and some other things we've never seen before-a pole, maybe also for martial arts, a three part pole or whatever you call it-it's a pole that is divided into three parts and jointed together. There was a spear, a club, a whip, I think, or something that looked like a whip-not for spanking. I think that's also for kung fu, and there was a spear, nice thing, a club, also for kung fu, I think, and a bottle for wine? Maybe for decoration. Still, that was not what really surprised us.

It was the cellos.

Three, nice cellos, one small, one half, and one large. But even the large one was not as large as a full sized cello-perhaps it was three quarter size.  
" Are those his?" I asked, probably one of the most stupid questions I had ever asked in my life.  
  
Yue knew that I understood well enough, and went over to open the smallest one.  
" Hey!" I cried. " That thing is about the size of a very big violin! Or maybe a viola!"  
" It's a cello. For youngsters." Yue closed the case. Beside the shelves, hidden in the corner, was a stand, or actually, five stands.  
" What the heck does he need five stands for?" I asked.  
" Maybe a string quintet." Yue answered simply. " I did not know he plays the cello."  
" He never mentioned it. Heck, he's more modest than I thought!"  
  
The boy moaned, turning over. Yue glared at me, bidding me to be quiet. I shut my mouth.

Yue took out the three quarter sized cello. It was a beautiful thing, for Syaoran had kept it well. Yue plucked on the strings, and stared at the white stuff on his fingers."  
" What's that?" I asked.  
" I don't know." Yue answered. " I don't know how to play a cello." In the end we found out that stuff was rosin.  
" It has good wood, for one thing." Yue placed the cello back and closed the case.

We found a whole bunch of manuscripts from Beethoven to Bach, and some Schubert and Schuman, quite a lot. The boy went on sleeping. 

  
  
" I don't want to." Was Syaoran's answer when we asked him to show us his cello playing. Sakura had went all white with surprise when she heard that Syaoran plays the cello, then all grumpy because he never told her. Eriol's reaction was whether he could play one of the piano accompaniments for a sonata with Syaoran, mentioning " The Swan". And Tomoyo muttered something about filming Syaoran if he had any concerts.

Yelan wasn't very happy, but she managed to face Yue. And when Syaoran woke up both were beside him. We gave him several hours break before asking him about his cello.  
" I don't want to."  
" Why not?" I asked.   
" Because. I haven't played for a year. Who knows if I could still play it."  
" You never know until you try." I shrug. " Besides, we don't care if you mess up. You're with friends here."  
Syaoran gave in reluctantly, and had to fetch out a very strange fork from one of the drawers. Then he made ready his cello and started to tune.

It was both boring and interesting, if you catch my meaning, and if you don't, you're a loser. We could not detect why he had to adjust the strings, but he had the musician's ears. Presently he stopped and stared at us.  
" I don't know what to play."  
" Do you know the swan piece?" Eriol asked. " That was one of my favorite."  
" The swan?" Syaoran blinked. " Oh that piece-but it wouldn't sound right without the piano..."  
" The piano is nothing. You just have to play the thing." Eriol waved it off as if it were nonsense.  
" Al-alright," Syaoran looked down and lifted his bow.

It was a lovely piece, which Syaoran had memorized well. The deep voice of the cello was nicely exaggerated from Syaoran's skillful playing, and even without the accompaniment I could picture a white, graceful swan on the lake with her little youngsters swimming in peace. Lush white lilies floated on the lake, as the swan ruffled her feathers while languidly gliding across the water with her children around her. The sky was blue, with clouds overhead, and the mirrored image of the swan in the water shimmered gently as she went past.

The music ended too soon. We were silent, still trapped in the deep spell of it. Syaoran ignored us and stared at his instrument. Sakura started clapping, and we all clapped for him. He blushed, then shrank back. Yukito wore a smile on his face as he went over and patted his shoulder.  
" See? It wasn't so bad."  
  
The child uttered a small whimper, and wave after wave of trembling broke down on him. Meiling rushed to him and we followed. The boy began to clutch at his chest, gasping. The cello's handle fell from his hand. The instrument fell with a clatter on the carpeted floor.

Meiling knew what to do. She rushed out to call his mother. And then there came a bright light... 


	9. Chapter 8-Meiling

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 8-Meiling

Everything was dark. Everything was quiet, save for our group that still remains in there. I did not escape the flashing light that came from my cousin, and so I was with them.  
" Where are we?"  
  
That was one of the more idiotic questions perhaps in reality. But when you're dealing with magic, you're dealing with more than what's real.  
" Where are we?"  
" I have no idea." Tomoyo shivered. " Is it just me, or is it really _really_ cold around here?"  
" It's cold. It's not just you." Touya looked around. " Very dark, also, but I can see you all very clearly."  
" It's not _black,_" Sakura decided to be technical, " It's just _dark_."  
" Whatever, kaijuu."  
" Where is Syaoran-kun?" Sakura asked.

Yue, in his true form in whatever dimension we're in, looked around and answered the obvious.  
" He's not here."  
" If we know what _here_ is." I was getting frustrated. " Are we in a black hole of some kind?"  
" Not likely." Eriol answered. " I sense magic around here. It feels like...something from long ago." He closed his eyes and thought.  
" Oh that helps a lot." Touya threw up his arms with disgust, and with good reason.  
" How do we get out of here?" Sakura looked around. " This does not look familiar to me at all. Not even the Dark Card was so...I don't know. Dark?"  
" This isn't the Dark Card." Eriol swallowed. " This is something that has to do with Syaoran. The light came from his body. I think this is some kind of void that he had escaped to so the pain will pass. We just have to find him. This place is so familiar," He added, scratching his nose. " Maybe something in Clow's time..."

I wasn't happy. I wasn't _scared_, I was just not _happy_, and there is a big difference between the two. The adventure with the Maze Card did not help much with my present condition, partly because Kaho no longer has her bell and she's not with us anyway. And since there was nothing that's actually solid to break through,

" I wonder," Yue suddenly stopped as we were walking. " If Syaoran can hear us."  
" Syaoran-kun?" Sakura blinked. " Should we call him?"  
" Not a good idea." Eriol swallowed. " It's best if we look for him. I don't remember if there is anything else in this place, and if there are, than calling wouldn't be such a good idea."

_" Daddy?"_

We all flinched. Especially Yue. The voice was not Syaoran's. Or, it was, perhaps, but it was so much younger, a Syaoran I almost completely forgot. No, the voice I completely forgot, but a Syaoran I barely knew.

" Syaoran?" Yue looked around. " Where are you? I'm here."

Silence.

" This is _sooo_ creepy," Tomoyo looked around.

_" Another year is passing Yue." _came a voice, different, much older, no longer Syaoran's. _" And within each passing winter, your son is venturing further and further into this domain._" The voice echoed through the dark places. _" We do not want a child of light in our domain."  
" The child of light brings too much radiance." _Voices echoed, different voices, some high, some low, some sweet and some bitter.  
" _Too much pain into an emotionless world,"  
" Too much life,"  
" Too much sorrow,"  
" Too much fear,"  
" The child is not ready..."  
" Yue..."_ The first voice came again. We were all seriously spooked. _" The sun strikes one on the end of the first year..."  
_ We hesitated, and then came a slow murmur, as if a prophecy,

_The sun strikes one on the end of the first year,  
The moon shrivels into the black hole,  
If not protected, the blended one,  
Puts on the one shield he knows,  
And time is creeping..._

" I don't get it. What is the voice talking about?" Sakura asked.  
" About Syaoran." Yue answere quietly, as if in a trance. " Every night he comes here, and each time he is in pain. Every night he comes here in his dreams, in this empty void, filled with nothingness and completely empty of all emotion and feeling. Here he brings all his sorrows and rage, and these same voices listen to all his words and speaks so he could face the morning and day."  
" What is this place then?" Sakura asked.  
" This is the dead land Sakura." Yue lifted his head. " This is where the dead go. They disappear amongst the darkness. Which was why Syaoran must not come here, as the voices had said. He brought too much pain of life, too much sorrow and fear, yet he is not ready to die yet."  
" Who are the voices?" I asked, shivering.  
  
Yue paused for a second before answering,  
" The Dead."

  
" Meiling?"  
I groaned, opening my eyes a little.  
" Meiling, are you alright?"  
It was Aunt Yelan. I open my eyes completely.  
" Yeah," I answer in Cantonese. " I'm fine. What happened?"  
" All of you for some reason fell unconscious." Fuutie answered beside her mother.   
" Oh that." I sat up. " Where are the others?"  
" They're coming to." Said the voice of Fanren.  
" Are you alright Syaoran?" I heard Yue's voice ask. There was a groan. I looked towards the sound.  
  
Yue gently lifted my cousin up. His cello laid beside him, hopefully not broken. The guardian helped him sit up.  
" I'm okay." Syaoran swallowed. " What happened?"  
" You went to the other side." Yue told him. " And thankfully, dragged us along with you."  
" I..." Syaoran paled. " Gomen nasai-"  
" Iie, don't say that. It's actually the better. Come on, I didn't know that you were so nervous." Yue clenched his teeth, his pale eyes soft.

I have never seen him like that before, and I don't think anyone else has. Even Eriol seemed surprised, but Yue never had a son, so I guess there are exceptions.

" So that place is the realm of the dead?" Sakura looked at Aunt Yelan. " Do you know anything about this, Li-san?"  
Aunt Yelan hesitated. " Hai." She said slowly. " Every night, his heart stops beating, he stops breathing and freezes there as if time itself froze. Yet every morning he wakes."  
" Isn't that risky?" Tomoyo asked. " I mean, he could just go and never come back."  
Aunt Yelan looked at her. " I know. That's why I always worry. So far he always comes back. But I don't know how long it will last."  
" Not long." Yue answered from Syaoran's bed. Syaoran had his eyes closed, but this time he didn't take us with him to whatever place he went. Most likely back to the creepy world again.  
" Not long." Yue repeated, still holding Syaoran. " He doesn't have much time. It may prolong for a while, I think." He turned his head and looked at Auntie. " He hasn't been to the Dead World in the days when he was in Japan, has he?"  
" I don't know." Aunt Yelan answered. " He never spoke of it, and I never asked."  
" You should." Yue's voice was cold. As cold as his words.

As it always has been. 


	10. Chapter 9-Yelan

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 9-Yelan

( Written 2 days before her death)

I didn't know if I really deserved it, but Syaoran forgave me. He didn't come to my room and say so, but there are connections between the mother and child that perhaps no scientist can understand. However distant Syaoran may seem, and however thin the line is, the connection is there, and I sensed he forgave me. He seemed to have regained most of his senses, and I heard him one day saying to Kero,  
" It's no use being angry at her, I mean, even if she did tell me my reaction would probably be the same. I don't know. It's not really her fault."

And no matter what way one looks at it I knew he was right. It was the fault of no one. It simply happened. None of us intended it should be so. My husband died, and I did not plan to have anymore children. Yue did not plan to have any either. How it happened, we still don't know. Yue and I had never been close. So it wasn't my fault, and it certainly wasn't his. To be angry is to be in self pity. And although self pity may be understandable, it certainly wasn't logical. And Yue seemed to be kind enough to my child.

I did realize something that had changed from the day of the announcement. Syaoran hardly ever spoke with Sakura. There were times when I recognized a confused look the the poor girl's eyes, not understanding what did Syaoran have against her. Was it because Yue was her guardian? But Yue and Syaoran had settled their matters between them. I didn't really understand it. And neither did Yue. Even when I talked with him.

Basically all went well, better than I had hoped. I still worry over where he goes when he sleeps, or faints, but Yue was making some strange effort to drag him back. Syaoran went there less and less. And his painful seizures happen less and less too. Sometimes I hoped Yue cured him. Until one rude awakening.

I received a message from one of the servants that another relative from another house is coming over to discuss matters with some other magical forces astirring which I will not speak of here. It wouldn't have been a problem if they didn't have a same aged boy who is very disagreeable with Syaoran. I prayed that things would change.

It didn't.

The child was named Li Xuyan, a tall boy of ten with dull brown eyes and jet black hair. He too, plays the cello, perhaps one reason he hates Syaoran so much, and takes martial arts training. He is regarded as handsome in our opinion, meaning Chinese, since his eyes, though dull, are large and the tops stretch further away from where the two edges connect, what we call " Phoenix Eyes", since they look like a head of the Chinese phoenix. He has a rather high nose, although not too high, and his skin is pale. He has thick bone structure, unlike Syaoran who probably would have looked feminine if it hadn't been for his thick brows. Although Xuyan does not have such firm muscles, it will grow, for he's only ten. He hardly ever gets sick, although I don't connect with them so I don't really know.

Xuyan is always competing against Syaoran, one trait my son truly resents. And the funny thing was, everything that includes thinking and common sense, Syaoran defeats him. Xuyan was good at math, good in science, but Syaoran was better, and always gets hundreds. Xuyan would get ninety nines, ninety eights, also good but as he sometimes mutters " Almost perfect but not enough." Syaoran was very good at the cello, having won first place in every competition he went to however few, and performing almost two concerts a year, a great achievement for someone of his health. Xuyan also gets first place, but only if Syaoran wasn't there. If Syaoran was, Xuyan gets second. Or perhaps third. He goes to more concerts, but he always had a grudge against Syaoran. Every time Syaoran defeated him. Xuyan would glare at him, his dull eyes flaring up. Everytime he defeated Syaoran, his eyes will flare, different, but still glowing, a dark mockery. Syaoran had no ill feelings with Xuyan, but after a while the child suffered a lot. Especially when he started martial arts training.

Xuyan defeated Syaoran in everything that had to do with fighting. Sword fight, pole fight, spear, even the drunken tactic, or whatever you call it. This tactic is a different form of fighting. It's slow, very sneaky, has a lot of twists and turns, and can only be done if the fighter is half drunk. Which probably explains why Syaoran had a wine bottle. Syaoran could not handle so much wine. His body was too frail, and the same cup of wine that would not disturb the consciousness of another will make him fully drunk-a deadly mistake. And so Xuyan's one triumph was defeating Syaoran in fighting. I remember that day when Syaoran was leaving for Japan, Xuyan ran up and smiled this truly freaky smile.

" Wish you luck. You'll need it. I think the cards are for someone else though. But then again, if you're lucky, the girl will be weaker than you are."

One thing both boys share, however, is this trick of indirect offense. Someone of more vieled mind will not recognize the insult in the words. But Syaoran was no fool, but he did not talk back. Perhaps this is also what fueled Xuyan's hate. Syaoran never fought back at him. _Never._

Xuyan arrived the next day, and I warned the others about it. Syaoran seemed more confident then usual, I guess because he had something that Xuyan couldn't make fun of ( such as a father). Xuyan had always brutally attacked Syaoran on the subject, calling him a bastard for both definitions. I'd swear that boy had psychological problems. It is what we call in Manderin " Wu liao" with no proper definition that I can think of so far. Xuyan and Syaoran had the same glaring contest as the one with Touya and Syaoran, I'm sure. Syaoran, in this case, pulled back first, and Xuyan got the victory he wanted.

Yukito immediately noticed the tension between the two. He drew his son to him.  
" This is Li Xuyan?" He asked pleasantly, but his eyes are keen.  
" Hai." I said in Japanese, as he did.  
" I guess you didn't defeat the girl, eh?" Xuyan sneered in Cantonese.  
" No," Syaoran said slowly, in Chinese. " But I did defeat you, I believe. You didn't offer to try to capture the cards."  
" It's folly." Xuyan waved it off. The two boys are too smart. " Only an idiot would consider it."  
" Then I suppose it's no surprise that Ying Hua won." Syaoran replied calmly. " But I guess it was a surprise that I didn't faint two hundred times as you had predicted."

Yukito looked down at him strangely.  
" Ah." Xuyan nodded. " Then how much? One hundred ninety nine?"  
" Zero, as far as I can remember." Syaoran seemed to be thinking. " Unless you count sleeping as fainting, in which you faint more than I do."  
Xuyan paled. " To which I don't count." He said flatly.  
" So which defeat are you talking about, Xuyan?" Syaoran asked. " I made it through the Final Judgement, if that's what you're thinking, even if I didn't pass."  
" Yue most likely knew how weak you were." Xuyan answered.  
" Actually, he didn't, did you?" Syaoran looked at Yukito. " You were as surprised as the rest of them, I believe."  
" Why are you talking to _him_?" Xuyan blinked. " Unless..."  
" One thing you haven't learned, Li Xuyan," Syaoran continued, " Is how to control your mouth. The Chinese philosophers knew what they were talking about when they said that all problems come from your tongue."  
" Is that why it took you three years to learn to talk, Li Syaoran?"  
" Perhaps that was for the better." Syaoran swallowed. " I can recall many times when you nearly got yourself into an incident you cannot get out of."  
" Pei!" Xuyan's eyes flared. Yukito tightened his grip on our child. " And how many times have you gotten into trouble, Mr. Punctual?"  
" Actually, a lot of times." Syaoran replied. " But not because of what I said, thankfully. It was more of because there are other tongues in this world that I _couldn't_ control, yours respectively."  
" Ahem!" Sakura interrupted in Japanese. " I have absolutely no idea what you two are talking about, but I can tell that it has something to do with Syaoran and mainly him, and also I heard Syaoran mention Ying Hua. Do you two mind not acting like Syaoran-kun and Oni-chan? Unless this _Xuyan_ does not understand Japanese." She threw a hard look at the other boy.

It was probably _not_ the best way to break an argument or a collection of insults, but Sakura was never good at breaking them, and this was probably her best so far, since she actually broke it. I sighed in relief in my mind that I didn't have to be rude towards my nephew and in turn, my cousin.

" Yelan." My cousin was standing next to me. " I'm truly sorry."  
" I am too. But a lot of things have happened to Syaoran." I apologized, even though I really had no reason to.  
" Let us discuss what we came here to discuss, and hopefully the children will settle themselves." My cousin said. 

And we left the children. 


	11. Chapter 10-Yukito

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 10-Yukito

I understand Cantonese perfectly, courtesy to my true form. And since Yue is the father of Syaoran I am no less his father. We both sensed a threat from the other boy, and Syaoran no less. Which was why for the first time he defended himself.

It had troubled me when Syaoran had blurted his feelings out like that. I had always thought that he had been attracted to Sakura. When he told Yue that he actually hated her, Yue pondered on what he should do. No one forced him, yet, but both of us had a feeling that there is a new tension between Syaoran and Sakura. And this might lead to two difficult choices...

So now here is a new tension, this cousin of Syaoran's, quite a charming looking boy. But I could tell there was something black about him. Just as there was something gold about Syaoran, if you catch my meaning. And with Yue's words in mind, I'm not letting him rouse Syaoran too much.

  
  
Syaoran and I was in his room with Xuyan, having nowhere else to go. Syaoran wasn't practicing his martial arts as he probably would have. It wasn't simply because Xuyan was there, because Syaoran pointed out that " the cards are captured. I don't need to practice so much. There are things that you'll always remember. And besides, I don't like bruises," and I don't suppose anyone likes them. So the craze for fighting had left him, although I don't suppose he actually enjoyed it, and there was instantly a lot of pressure that was lifted from his being.

So instead in his room Syaoran was practicing his cello. The situation got lighter for a while. The scales were a little shaky but he got it after two or three tries. After he ran over about fourteen scales or so he started doing something called arpeggios, which seemed like a shortened and more empty version of a scale, or scales, for this matter. Syaoran completely ignored Xuyan, but I can't say the same for the other. 

My son kept on talking to himself, although not in a crazy way. He seemed to want me to hear it too, or perhaps also because he could think better when he hears his thoughts with his own ears. Musicians. Syaoran took out a bunch of books and clicked his tongue.  
" The bad thing about a cello," He looked at me, " And all the other instruments except the keyboards, is that you always need an accompaniment, or else it doesn't sound right."  
" Chamber music?" I suggested.  
" Yeah." He was speaking Cantonese, although I was speaking Japanese. " Chamber music's one. The smaller kind, then there are duets. Cello duets. I remember one time when Xuyan and I somehow ended up playing a concerto for two cellos. We got into a fight over whether there is a ritardando or not. He said that there isn't. I said that what the heck, my aesthetic sense says we should slow down. The bad thing was, the conducter wanted to speed up. We dropped the whole thing and played another." Syaoran chuckled, something very rare, even those days.  
" Hello!" Xuyan blurted out. " We wouldn't need a composer if you don't listen to him."  
" We might as well play everything as the composer says and lose ourselves. But in any case, sometimes I wonder if I take this thing up...like now, would I still think the same way."  
" Let's try it then." Xuyan swallowed. I felt the blackness fade a little.  
" Alright then. Go get your cello...um, actually, I'll have to...um..."

  
  
Syaoran ended up having to face Sakura to ask for her cards. I never saw the boy more nervous. He was blushing, he was shivering, he was downright creeped out.  
" You want the Create Card?"  
" Just so that Xuyan could, ano, use." He looked at me for a minute. " It'll only be for, ano," He looked at the book in his hand. " Thirty-wait, we don't have to do the whole thing. Just the first movement."  
" That's all we disagreed on." Xuyan said flatly. " Or don't you remember?"

The two, I realized, had a funny relationship. They greet each other hostily, and by and by they seem to get a long again. But really the get along act was just, well, an act. To get what they want out of each other.  
" Alright, how long is it without the orchestra-six, seven minutes?"  
" You can have it for a day." Sakura blinked. " I haven't used magic for a long time, so I have a lot of energy."  
" Oh. Ano, arigatou?" Syaoran blinked. He turned really red.

Was this how he fainted before?

  
  
" We should slow down here."  
" There you go again, Wolfboy. There you go! The thing does _not_ say ritard. Does it?"  
" No, but you don't need a composer to tell you everything, unless you have too many chromosomes." Syaoran glared at Xuyan. " A good musician has his own sense of style."  
" But that style could be good, or bad." Xuyan countered.  
" But a style is a style. It's better than none." Syaoran answered.  
  
They glared at each other for some time.

  
  
Xuyan was staying at Yelan's mansion for some time. The next morning I awoke and Yue was feeling sour. I went to Syaoran's room to check on him and saw he was holding some kind of black jewel.  
" Ano, Syaoran? Where did that come from?" I asked, caution leaping into my limbs. Yue clenched back.  
  
Syaoran lifted the jewel and then I saw that he was holding it by a string. A string of silver?

" Syaoran, what is that?" I asked. " Syaoran?"

I felt a sudden nauseous feeling. I hate it when that happens! 

And I lost control of my body-wait, it wasn't my body. It was Yue.

" Syaoran, drop it." Yue ordered. Syaoran ignored him.  
" Syaoran?"  
  
Yue went over to the boy. " Syaoran," He bent down and took the child by the shoulders. " Syaoran, are you alright? Can you hear me?"  
" Otou-san," Syaoran tilted his head, his eyes blank and dull. Yue twitched, hearing the word " Daddy" for the first time in Japanese. " I saw this before."  
" I did too." Yue answered. " Drop it."  
" They said it would heal me."  
" Nani?" Yue blinked. " Who?"  
" The voices." Syaoran answered. " Nice voices."  
" Iie, not nice." Yue said slowly, staring at the strange black jewel. It was about the size of a hand, very big, ver smooth and shiny, and pure.

Pure.

" Syaoran, where did you get this?"  
" I don't know." Syaoran answered without blinking once. " It was in my hand."  
  
Yue hesitated. This was starting to turn from an incurable desease to something else. Perhaps the Dead are meddling with our fates.

That can't be good

Oh no, that can't be good. 


	12. Chapter 11-Yue

The Desease that Killed Love

Chapter 11-Yue

I found Syaoran the next day standing at a pond feeding goldfish, which were his own goldfish, or at least his family's. I had taken the stone away from him, but I greatly fear it. Eriol was currently studying it, trying to understand what it is.

Dark Magic. Black Magic. That is deadly.

Eriol had paled when I handed it to him.  
" What is this?" He asked. " Where did you get it?"  
" Syaoran had it when he woke up." I had answered. " He got it from the realm of the Dead. The voices and spirits told him that it could heal him."  
" How come?" Eriol took the stone.  
" I don't know." I answered slowly. " But I had a bad feeling when I saw it."  
" You should." Eriol rose. " I'm not sure what it is, but it's definetely not anything seen in this world. I've never seen anything so black yet so bright. And the string is someone's hair." The boy grimaced. " Whose hair, I wonder."  
" Don't go there." Said Spinel.  
" I'm going to find out what this is." Eriol said. " And if Syaoran comes with anything like this, don't let him keep it. Good god, what does this remind me of?" He then went to another room with Yelan and shut the door, and started to tell her of what I found.

  
  
Syaoran stood at the bank of the pool against the rail, the nicely decorated rail with a wooden roof overhead. He was quiet, watching the goldfish jump on one another to claim their bits of bread. Birds chirped, some stealing the bread from the water. Syaoran tossed some more pieces.  
" Syaoran?" I called.  
  
Syaoran didn't look up. " Where's Xuyan?"  
" With Sakura." I answered.   
" Are they getting along very well?"  
" Sakura's making it hard for him. Xuyan's trying, though." I swallowed a chuckle. " Are you alright?"  
Syaoran finally moved, and his eyes focused on mine. " He's a good cello player."  
" And?"  
" I use to be better than him." Syaoran lowered his eyes. " I use to have something to be proud of, I mean, me and this disease, whatever it is, and still I get to be the best in something. But now, look what I did." He laughed a little, not a happy one. " I guess it was my fault. I should have stayed home. Remained the best. Xuyan went forward. I did not."  
" Was that what you're worried about?" I asked.  
" Sort of." The child lowered his head.  
" Well you can always catch up. If you're behind at all, you're not far."  
" You don't understand, otou-san." The boy sighed. " I can't really deny the truth now. I can't hide it anymore." The boy shrunk within himself a little. " I'm too tired, otou-san. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to sleep, to rest. I feel so tired."

  
  
" I'm not sure why this is here." Eriol looked up from his desk. " But I do know what this is now. This is a stone from the Realm of the Dead, of course. It's made of magic forces in this world that had escaped into the Dead World. It says here in this book that an ancient sorceror had managed to tap into its magic forces, but some mysterious curse was laid on him and he lost all strength and will, dying in result."

I swallowed, not liking it.

" It also says that it is mostly made of...leftover spells."  
" Of what kind?"  
" Mostly good kinds, like the Sakura Cards. But you know Yue, the remaining dusts are not the same as the spells themselves." Eriol took the jewel and lifted it into the light. The stone began to melt.  
" This stone is called the Murkstone of Renague...it use to be in this world for some time after it was made in the Dead World. I don't know why the spirits want Syaoran to have this."  
" To kill him." I whispered, barely hearing the words myself. " Has it captured him already?"  
" Hai," Eriol said hesitantly. " But fortunately, all is not lost. The spell wears off..."

  
  
It gave me quite a fright, that stone of Renague. For a while, Syaoran seemed to be in a sort of dream, losing every hope to become normal. He didn't practice his cello, didn't eat much. But to my relief, the spell wore off, as Eriol had said. Unfortunately, as soon as the impact of the stone wore off, other things came up.

Such as the conflict between Syaoran and Sakura, as well as Syaoran and Xuyan.

One could easily see that the " hatred" Syaoran had felt was pure jealousy, if it even existed. Apart from that, there was a contradicting emotion, love or adoration. It wouldn't be much of a problem if Sakura wasn't so sensitive, she being one of the more " I want to be friends with you kind". Which didn't really work well for Syaoran, but very well for Xuyan. At the same time, Xuyan is jealous of Syaoran, Syaoran pretty annoyed and at the same time upset at the fact that Xuyan was fussing about with his only true friend, as he later told me. I was pretty scared, to tell the truth, because I was pretty sure that one or the other is going to kill him.

So to save him, I needed to settle both matters. There came a problem, however. Syaoran was not willing to talk to Sakura about anything anymore, Xuyan still had a grudge against Syaoran but Syaoran really didn't want to do anything about it, because he was too tired. Not because of the stone, because his health was rapidly declining. This didn't help Xuyan much, and since I didn't understand the boy too well ( he still didn't know my relationship with Syaoran and I kept it that way,) I left it at that. So I decided to treat the wounds that Syaoran gave Sakura.

It was one of those times when different things happen at once, and one would feel like he does not have any control over anything. Such was a time as this, when the Stone disappeared, Xuyan went to a cello competition leaving Syaoran depressed, who in turn, wounded Sakura's pride and self confidence in her cards and magic. 

She came to me for encouragement. I had a lot, but I didn't know how to give it.  
" I went to him," I remember her saying, " and he didn't even look at me. Simply watched the goldfish in the water, and so pretty they were. But his eyes were not seeing. They were completely blank. I said, " Konnichiwa, Syaoran-kun," and he said, " What do you want?""  
I said nothing.  
Sakura continued on, hurt and sad.  
" I told him that I did not want anything except to know what's wrong. He told me, ' Nothing is wrong, yet everything is. It's the fact that everything is _not_ wrong that's wrong.'"  
" He never looked at me. I mean, in Tomoeda he smiles sometimes, however rare, and sometimes just looks at me in this strange way. But now he doesn't even look at me."  
" He thought it was over." I suddenly heard myself say. " When he was in Tomoeda, he forgot he was ill. Or rather, it didn't bother him as much. He felt more human. Until he came home."  
  
Sakura looked down. " He seems to be a different person now."  
" Always has been." I replied slowly, " Always will. Wounds are still fresh, Sakura. He's realizing his weaknesses. He's too heartbroken to deny them any longer, because I am a proof."  
The Card Mistress looked at me in a strange way; it seemed both sad and curious.  
" Does he talk to you?" She asked me.  
  
I decided that the wrong answer might spark off some new chain.  
" He does not ignore me." I said carefully. " But he prefers to be alone." And it was very much true.

Sakura sighed. " Sometimes I feel that he's hiding something."  
" Hiding what?"  
" I don't know." The girl answered. " There's more to the disease, or perhaps something else."  
I hesitated. " There is...something perhaps, that you should know."  
" Hoe?" Sakura looked up, speaking her trademark exclaimation.  
I swallowed. I wasn't sure if this is good or not. Most likely not, but I decided that the chance must be taken.  
" He cares a lot for you, Sakura." I began slowly, quietly, my own voice sounding weak to my ears. " He cares for you as much as love can make him. The only problem is," I added, interrupting her look of surprise, " He hates you as much as he loves you."  
" Why?" Sakura asked, thankfully not shouting " HOEEE!" outloud. I was a little surprised, because her question was asked very softly.

I did not know whether what I was doing was right. Perhaps something deep inside me understood that Syaoran can no longer make the first move. That he can no longer openly love, save to those who share his blood. Perhaps I did understand, or perhaps something drove me to speak. But whatever it was, I told her myself, perhaps the wrong thing that had turned out right.

The right kind of wrong.

" He's weak Sakura." I told the girl. " You're strong. He's sickly and feeble. You're healthy. You defeated him in everything he longed to do, simply because you have the one thing he did not have. The Clow Cards was a test for him, but not because the clan had made him take it. He poured the test onto himself. He set the power as a goal, a base, so that he can determine who he is by that. If he could gain the Clow Cards and become the Master, he has the ability to be as normal as everyone else, and then perhaps he may smile more, or become more triumphant. If he failed...well, that means...he's a failure then."  
" But that's not true!" Sakura cried. " That's...that's...that's absurd! How can he determine who he is by just one, one-"  
" In a way, it made sense." I looked away from her and towards the window. " Everyone in the clan, except for Meiling, had magic. Including Syaoran. But Syaoran was the only one who could not weild it to its full extent. Syaoran was the only one who will die young."

I probably knew this all along. Yet it still hurted when it happened, and even when we managed to save him, I'll never forget that day. 


	13. Chapter 12-Touya

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 12-Touya

Alright, so enough of the, " Hey, Touya! What is wrong with you? I thought you resented that kid!" I explained already, the glaring contests are merely contests on who hypnotizes the other. No booing, no hurrays, and please give me a break.

On the bright side of all this, I finally found out who he got this natural talent from.

(-_-)

It had started out as a mighty good month, or two, I daresay. ( What the heck am I writing daresays for?) We were suffering in the tug of war of helping my best friend's son or helping my sister. Both sides seemed right, which was what made it wrong, of course. I was definetely not on the other kid's side, he's the real gaki right there. What's his problem, anyway? In any case, I never liked him, never will, perhaps.

Yue was probably suffering more than all of us, save the two kids, because he is very loyal, yet there is a bond developing between him and his son. I personally thought that he should go with Syaoran, because I didn't think that Yelan was being much of a help. Syaoran may have forgiven her, but judging from the way they acted I don't think they had ever been close, too close, I mean. Sakura has Tomoyo, has Eriol, has me, has Kero, also. So if Yue goes on his son's side, we'd understand, and if Kero doesn't, I'd kick him.

So as I was saying, it started out as a mighty good month. For some reason or other Syaoran began talking to Sakura-just a little, but quite an improvement. We were basically hoping that things would be normal again-well, as normal as they ever could be. Whether or not Syaoran knew that Yue had told Sakura his private feelings, it didn't seem to matter. He said he didn't know, but I still have my doubts. Sakura seemed to brighten up. I guess the talk she had with Yue really helped her. It really had started out as a good week.

Syaoran was practicing his cello when Li Fuutie ( the especially tall one) had came through the front entrance carrying an armful of letters. I don't know how the house could manage to dump all that garbage at once. There were coupons, there were business mails, car insurances, house insurances, social securities, banks asking for money, government asking for money, all that kind of stuff. ( How _did_ this clan survive through the Chinese Revolution?) Then there was an interesting letter which I couldn't read very well, because of the grammar, but I did know it said something about Shanghai.

Li-san opened the letter and read it, and then she suddenly became excited. I followed her up to Syaoran's room, she was waving the thing frantically, talking in Cantonese, " Shimadtia" or something like that ( I'm just making that up) and I couldn't understand a single word she was saying. It was quite comical, talking like she was babbling and yet she was so energetic.

It turned out that the letter was from the Shanghai Philharmonic. They are coming to Hong Kong to perform Tchaikovsky's pieces as well as the whole of Carmen. Also I think, there was a concerto for violin and viola. And Syaoran was invited to join the company.

Why this kid was so famous I have no idea. He seems to be, anyway. The poor kid went all white when he heard what his sister said and started talking back, as if he was saying he couldn't go ( which he was) and then came this quiet but frantic argument. I was standing there, thinking I look like an idiot ( which I did) and then Yue came in.

The guardian somehow convinced the kid to accept the invitation. The concert is in two months anyhow. However, the orchestra had been kind enough to arrive two days later. And Syaoran was to join the company.

Heck, quite a good month, wasn't it? We got a good dose of Carmen and Swan Lake. Syaoran was sitting next to the best cello player, which looked quite awkward because that guy was about fifty and seven yards tall. We went to the rehearsals, which happened every two days, and it was actually quite interesting. Classical music, interesting. That doesn't go together, does it? Yet we had fun. It was very funny watching the conducter because if you record the guy, and when you put it on video, press the mute button-you know what I mean, or you will when you try. ( Just remember to focus only on the conducter.)

The only bad thing was Syaoran easily got nervous, so on the night of the concert he threw up. No bleeding, luckily, so there wasn't pink gooey stuff. He got a little weak, but otherwise that night was okay, he performed well, he has the best cello player to look out for him. Some of us joked that he will be performing in a cello duet with Ma Yo Yo, or Yo Yo Ma, if you like. Of course, the poor kid freaked out.

But back with the story. The concert went well, we had a reception, the food tasted great although the soda was ordinary. No one was afraid of waking up with their mouths smelling of garlic, so I wasn't either. The conducter welcomed us warmly, Xuyan always glared at Syaoran and the conducter noticed.

So other than the troublesome new gaki, the reception was alright. Yukito stayed with Syaoran and the conducter at all times. I swear they had some kind of psychic connection. Hai! But that's not the important thing. 

The important thing was, everyone was swarming around the " guest" of the philharmonic. 

And that was a problem.

_Big_ problem.

" Otou-san," I heard Syaoran say later, " I don't think I'm feeling well."  
He spoke in Japanese. Anyone could see Yukito was a teenager, but not everyone understood Japanese, so,  
" Do you want to go home?" Yukito asked, bending down to Syaoran's height and immediately feeling his forehead. " You're feeling a little hot. I'll call your mother to take you home."  
" Hai." Syaoran answered quietly. Sakura sniffed, took another cheese sandwich, and bit.

Cheese is not our favorite food, however distressing that might sound. On the other hand, Eriol was enjoying the thing immensely.

Cheese. Ewwwww.

Maybe I should suggest that Japanese people don't like cheese, unless something changed. We love fish, we like anything that's from the sea, but no cheese, no thank you!

On the other hand,

" I think this is Dutch." Eriol stuffed another slice into his mouth. " How did it get all the way here? This is good. That one's Swiss. That one's cheddar..."

You see what I mean. ( I hope.)

Maybe that's why Syaoran got sick. I don't know. Syaoran turned all pale and all, and Yukito left him for the first time to find Li Yelan.

I wasn't watching by then. Sakura was busy talking with Tomoyo, and sometimes mentioning Syaoran's name in a strange way. But I do know one thing. Some baka offered Syaoran wine.

The kid, honestly, never tasted that kind of wine before. He tasted beer, he tasted liquor. But not that kind of wine. Was it martini or vodka? I don't know. But that baka didn't tell Syaoran it was a type of alcoholic product. And the poor child drank it. Three cups.

Ninety five percent alcohol was in each cup, and three cups he drank, ignorant, unknowing, too sick to refuse. He started to sway a little. Back and forth. I turned around, and caught his eyes, the first time they were dull and glassy.  
" Syaoran?" I called. Syaoran doubled over and vomited on the floor.

Suddenly, the conducter was there. The cello player was there. The concert mistress was there. The Lis were there. They hurried over. Sakura was there, along with Tomoyo, Eriol, and Nakuru, who spoke nothing during her entire stay, an amazing thing. Syaoran vomited, and Yukito thumped on his back. He got up, the poor kid, and stared at Yukito.  
" Are you alright?" Yukito asked.  
  
Three cups. Ninety five percent alcohol. Whoever offered him such a thing was gone. Syaoranw as alone, with innocent victims everywhere, all about him.  
" Wha?" He asked in Cantonese. " Alright?"  
" Syaoran?" Yukito instantly detected a problem. " Syaoran, what's the matter with you?"  
" Nothing's the matter with me." Syaoran's words were muffled and there was a gurgling in his throat. To think, the alcohol took effect so fast. " Nothing, iie." He laughed like a maniac.  
" Syaoran, what happened?"  
" Nothing happened." Syaoran laughed again. " Guy said, the thing was good." He pointed towards the bottle of wine.  
" Shoot." Yukito spat, or something like it. " How much did you drink?"  
" One, two, three, two, one, three," Syaoran chanted as if it was a song.  
Yelan turned white. Alcohol is not good, especially for someone whose blood is pink.  
" At most three." Yukito said in a hushed voice. All was quiet. " Who offered you this?"  
" Nice guy." Syaoran laughed. " Tall, nice guy. Guy. Guy. Nice nice,"  
" Iie, not nice." Yukito said carefully. " Syaoran, whoa! Syaoran, don't do that, you're drunk," For Syaoran was making his way towards the cellos.  
" Argh, what kind of bastard would do that?" The conducter bit his lip, or at least that's what Eriol told me he said.  
" Drunk?" Syaoran turned around, indeed very much drunk. " Drunk. Nice word. Drunk. He zui," He said in Manderin. " Haha! Drunk! Aiiya, if I had know," He suddenly tripped, and Yukito caught him. The poor child laughed. " Had I known drunkeness was so fun, I'll get drunk everyday!"  
" He does get drunk sometimes." Yelan blinked. " Only for martial arts. The last time he did...his heart stopped beating. His aura was gone. And he wasn't even completely drunk."

The Drunken tactic. I'm sure Kero told you. But you shouldn't be fully drunk or your moves would not be fast enough. And if he was partly drunk and was able to die, well, that was all we needed to get Syaoran out of there.

And even now I wonder who the bastard was. 


	14. Chapter 13-Spinel

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 13-Spinel

I don't really know who it was that offered him the Chinese drink. Eriol-sama had a hunch that it might of been Xuyan. He may be young, but really, Chinese people are very tricky, sly as foxes. Although I guess it's only those who lived in China for more than two years.

I don't really know. Maybe it was Xuyan. If it was, the child never admitted, nor would dare to. Because it was more than Syaoran getting drunk and possibly making a fool of himself.

Li-san and her daughters took us all home. The reception was still going on. Syaoran didn't eat too much at the reception, and the alcohol went through his blood faster than we realized. Perhaps it was because we never knew he was so thin, so weak and frail. His clothes always covered his skin, and his eyes made us misjudge the fullness of his cheeks. Because it was his eyes that blinded us all, just like Yue's Moon Influence.

The child threw up along the way, laughing and giggling, choking and coughing. I was disgusted. Xuyan was silent, watching Syaoran, with some queer light in his eyes. We were in a large van, so all of us were in it, including Meiling.

Meiling was actually a nice girl, now that I think of her. It was a great pity, because she never deserved anything bad. Syaoran grew so delirious he flung his magic everywhere, practically roasting the car with his lightning. And then,

Some kind of fireball aimed out of his hand straight at Meiling. The girl died instantly. Sakura nearly stood up in alarm. Syaoran's eyes glowed a little, and Meiling's body burned like a torch. The car seat lighted. Li Yelan called out for the driver to stop.

He stopped at the wrong time. Right in the intersection of the streets. The cars bumped into him, and the car behind us crashed into us. The four sisters of Syaoran fell forward and broke their necks. Then everything went so fast...

Yue instantly sensed something was wrong and transformed. Xuyan opened the car window and leaped out, oblivious to Syaoran and Yue's relationship. The car bursted into flame. Eriol grabbed me and told Nakuru to get out. Out we did, out she did. Sakura used the Through Card and went through the roof of the van. Kero was with her. Touya followed afterwards.

There was an explosion, just as the Card Mistress flew out. And then everything became bright white. Something glowed, not in the van, but in Eriol's hand. Eriol-sama took it out.  
" It's the Stone of Renague," He looked in the car.

There was a scream. A horrible, scream of pure terror, as the earth suddenly shook. It was Sakura. Because Yue and Syaoran was still in the car. She ran towards the van. Touya held her back. Suddenly, there was a roaring. A horrible roaring of flames. The ground was filled with dirt, but that didn't stop the fire for some reason. Perhaps because there were patches of oil and gasoline, I do not know. It was Syaorans' own fire. The Stone of Renague glowed like the sun. It blinded the flames.

Then the fires spread. We had to move further away, and each stop made Hope fade a little more. We had no time to despair. It was so sudden. The flames leaped from car to car, and the van behind us, also of the Lis, also leaped into flame.

I remember catching a sight of a black shadow with eyes more golden than the flames. He stood amidst the fire, his shadow rippling, and suddenly, he ran. He ran as fast as the Dash Card, faster than Yue, towards us, smoothly, gracefully, as if there was nothing in his way. Something swooped down, the wings fanned the flames, so that they went down before bursting larger than before. It was Yue. He caught his child. They glided over to us, and, having no chance to land, collided with the ground.

When we reached them, Yue was crying. I have never seened him cry, not even when Clow Reed died. He was crying, whimpering in pure apprehension, cradling his sons head, which was pink from his blood. The green aura was gone, completely gone, and the Stone of Renague nearly exploded in Eriol's hand with its light.

The Moon Guardian was crying. Nakuru rushed over to him. Xuyan stood beside Sakura, his face pale, his eyes blank, his lips in a tight line. Sakura left him to run to the moon guardian, but Yue didn't let her touch Syaoran. He probably wouldn't let any of us, not even Touya or Eriol-sama, help him save Syaoran. His love was that strong.

" He's dead." Yue was weeping in distress. " He's dead. I know it. He ran, he leaped, I caught him, and than he clung onto me. We crashed. He, he hit his head, his skull was split. He's dead."

Amidst the roaring flames, all was quiet. After a few minutes, the firemen came. We stood there stunned. There were shouts, breaking in the roaring of fire. But in our circle, all was quiet.

Syaoran was never our main focus. Sakura was. Eriol was. Kerberus and Yue was. But not Syaoran and Tomoyo. Not Touya. They were on the side, the minor members of the group. Ones we can do away with. Yet they were the most important. Syaoran had the closest relationship, along with Tomoyo, with Sakura. Touya was her brother. Quite frankly, we are all connected to Sakura. It was what had brought us together in the first place. Or so we must have thought. Maybe it was like that.

But at that time, that night, the night of the concert with the Shanghai Philharmonic, the night Syaoran got drunk, killed his cousin, lit the fire, it was like the magician had shouted the words. Alakazam! And we realize, Sakura wasn't the center of the circle. Despite her powers, despite her name, she is just the same as everyone else. All trapped in the same world and blinded with the same fog, the same darkness. The impact of her death may have been the same as the impact of Yue's. The impact of Kero's. The impact of Eriol's. Of Touya's.

We are each our own different person. Every one of us is different. No one is the same. Some are more different than others. Some are less. We are all different. Yet we are the same. All human, all part of the same world, all depending on others no matter how much we may hate or like it. All part of the same life. And when one is gone, it strikes an unknown fear, an unknown sorrow. An unknown wonder and awe. But for those within the magic circle of Clow Reed, we have formed our own world. We stood more apart than the rest, even though we are still a part. And when one is gone, we feel the impact more strongly. As a family will.

That night, we realized it wasn't because of Sakura that we had come together.  
  
We were all related in some way. All connected.

Syaoran broke the connections with him that night. He broke off Yue's connection, Sakura's connection, and Eriol's connection. He broke off Kero's newfound connection, Touya's connection, and Nakuru and mine. At the same time, he broke off a few others. He broke off Yue's connection with everyone else. He broke off Sakura's connection with everyone except Touya and Kero. He broke off Tomoyo's connection with Touya and Eriol. Just by dying.

For the first time I understood Yue. I remember the words Syaoran had said to me.  
" Daddy fears because he knows. And yet he doesn't."

Yue feared Death.

  
  
We were transported into the hospital to examine for injuries. Of course, Kero and I had to hide. Sakura got a few scratches, Yukito had none, and Touya got some second degree burns. Eriol was fine. Nakuru got cut by the car door. All of us were a little sick from the smoke, except for Yukito.

The hospital managed to save Syaoran, who came back to life on the ambulence, even if it was weak. It had nothing to do with the machines or the EMS. Eriol had pointed out that as soon as Syaoran was back, the Stone stopped glowing. It was the stone. The stone had saved him. The blank and dullness was only a side effect, but the stone was meant to save Syaoran. The dead wanted to protect him.

Syaoran came back to us that night. And all connections were mended. The circle was full again, but very shaky. We feared Syaoran's fate. We feared what was to come. Yue stayed by his child all night and the next day, never leaving him, and the doctors knew they shouldn't try.

The Li sisters were burned, their ashes scattered among the dirt. Meiling's family was also killed-they were in the van behind us. Xuyan's family was alright, a little shaky, with some third degree burns.

Li Yelan was found, her body in pieces, clutching her shattered heart. Her skin was burnt black, her hair singed short, her bones pure white like the ashes of Buddha. 


	15. Chapter 14-Syaoran

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 14-Syaoran

When I was little, I was always different. Weird, strange, different, however one calls it. Somehow, I couldn't blend in. It probably was because of my disease, yet I knew it wasn't. Or perhaps, not totally.

The fact that my family allowed me to drink wine is one reason, I thought. But wine is important in martial arts, or at least, one type of kung fu. I don't think it was present in karate; I never took it. Why take another type of martial art when you already have one? Unless you're boxing, but boxing isn't completely martial arts, in my belief. It's not an exercise of self defense, not exactly. It was sport. Just as kung fu and karate had become.

When I was little I remained alone. I went to school, I was not home schooled, although perhaps I should have been. I went to school, a private one, of course, but that did not improve my social skills. There are disadvantages to that. I was not quite capable of making friends so easily. I was not open. I was always alert, always cautious, always scared.

For that reason, no one accepted me. I always thought it was me. Something wrong with me. Something with my personality. My being. My intelligence.

So I worked hard. I tried to prove that I am more intelligent than other people think, that although I was weak I am not stupid.

Children are cruel. It come from the adults. They pick on the weak, without any knowledge of what they're doing. It wasn't until I learned martial arts that I was able to stop them from coming for me. But then the things took a different turn. I was alone. No one came to me. All avoided me. So I was different, strange, and dangerous.

Such things cannot be helped. I was who I was, I am who I am. Nothing could change that anymore.

Well, almost nothing.

I remember when I first saw Sakura. She freaked. She looked horrible, a pitiful figure that she was as she stared wide eyed at me. I had darkened my skin, perhaps because my mother was a lot smarter than she sometimes appears. Sakura was not light skinned, she was darker, but light enough to be considered fair among us Asians. She was pretty in her own way, but her features are not the most beautiful. Green eyes were considered devilish among Chinese, if not Japanese. Dark black hair is considered fashionable as well. Hers was auburn. All in all, except for the fact that she definetely looks Asian, her features would have passed for a Caucasian.

She was unnaturally thin among Japanese. As was almost all who live in Tomoeda. Most Japanese have long necks and stiff, round legs, with short heights, perhaps because of the food they eat. But that probably changed. Sakura was not short, even for Chinese. She was thin, lean, slender, however you call it. One cannot judge the length of her neck just yet. She may have passed for a Chinese-Caucasian. Yet she was Japanese.

She freaked out at the sight of me, and I instantly wondered if I turned pale again. No, it wasn't that. I was dark. She was afraid of me. Rightly so. I am different. I am strange. I am dangerous.

The years of loneliness had taught me much. At home I was pampered, but I always felt that it was all because of the instincts of family. Outside, I was simply a misfit. An outsider. It had its disadvantages.

Yet I realized that I had grown much more than anyone could expect. That even Xuyan cannot defeat me. I am strong. I am weak. But I am strong. 

Through the years that I had been lonely, apart, I have seen much. Children, gathered in little groups. Four, five, or six. Some two, some three. But there were very few who remained alone as I did. Once, a boy had told me, " I don't think my friends would want you in our group because, you know, you're weird, you know what I mean?" And I said, " Yeah, I know what you mean." And then I realized, No. I didn't know what he meant. How am I different? How was I weird?

Then I found out the answer. I am different from everyone else, not because I was sickly. Not because I scored one hundred on every one of my tests. Not because I cannot socialize. It's because I think differently. The years of being alone had offered many things to me. I have heard much, seen much, and now, have known much.

The children who gathered into groups are completely ignorant of everything around them, because they are part of everything. Just like leaves are part of the trees, the soil part of the ground, the clouds part of the sky, the sky part of itself. The children do not know what I know. They do not see what I see. I see friendships that will break very soon and I know it. I see hatred that are foolish and I knew it would be settled. I see promises that are so frivolous they are easily forgotten by all. I see people who do not appreciate what they have, and want more and more. I see people who despise pain because they fear it. People who only see a part of the whole.

It was like mankind. They fear death, they are in awe at life, and therefore they create the most foolish yet the most ingenius belief. Religion. And each religion had its own rules, so fascinating yet so idiotic, so smart yet so proposterous. And others, part of the whole of mankind, giving into their awe and fear, believed blindly in whatever they were told, and never asked questions. Humans are so curious, they push their nose into things that are of no business of theirs. Yet luckily, they still survived. I know that this same curiosity will lead to their doom. We are but the larger toys of the same game. And religion, the most foolish yet the most ingenius creation of mankind. Should there really be a god, he would sit and watch us little people, laughing at how we conduct ourselves, chuckle in amusement in our newly created religion, however true it might be. God will not laugh because the rules of religion we created are true or false. He will laugh because we simply created it. And that is enough for his amusement.

I saw many things. Birds in the sky. The Sky above. Ants crawling, and I wonder, who had said that humans are the smartest beings in the world? We are the same as the insects that bother us. All ignorant of who we are, of where we are, of what we should be and where we should be. Just simple pieces of a game, playing out rules that we do not understand, making our own little rules and believing ourselves so smart. Little children, blindly playing. Not knowing who they are. It's a shame.

But with all this knowledge, it did not ease my loneliness. And although I knew myself, I did not know all. I did not know that I felt this loneliness. That I longed for someone who cares.

  
  
When I first met Sakura, I viewed her as one of any other. An ignorant yet smart girl who does not know what's good for her. When I first saw her I knew she was good at making friends. That she had a lot. That she was caring. But I did not think about letting her care about me.

When I first saw Tomoyo, I saw her as someone more mature than ordinary. Who knows what friendship is. And treasures it.

When I first saw Kero, I knew at once this guardian was blind. As blind as one was when one's asleep and not dreaming. Like the stuffed animal of which he took form. A complete idiot. Which was perhaps, why he and I became such enemies and such good friends.

I saw through everyone, I had power over all. I know all, except for Eriol, who I cannot see. And this I hated. Eriol was the only one who I did not understand, and now, I know why. Eriol is older in mind than I can ever be. And no matter how strong I am, I'll never see through him.

  
So the years of loneliness taught me much. I did not accept Sakura as my equal because she was not. Then I accepted her as a worthy opponent of my goal. I knew more than her and I understood it. She does not understand me, probably never will. Because I am different and she is not. In person, she is like the others. Sweet and nice, blind and ignorant, the part of the world of which I am not. I knew I had little time, unless a miracle beyond nature happens. And Magic is nature, in a way.

The night Sakura became the Card Mistress I was happy for her, truthfully. I felt wonderful, that she had succeeded. And then I went home and it dawned on me what had happened.

In a way, that day was a good day, a beginning. If I had become Card Master, I would return home to the lonely and closed minded life that I had been living. Yet I cannot blame myself for who I am. I was what fate had created, a being apart from all the rest. An accident. And yet fate had decided to keep me alive against my will. Death wasn't as horrifying as some believe. Even if it was only the gate, the portal, it had Death's essence. The death is simply an empty void, deprived of all feeling, of all emotion, of all color and light, of all existence. It simply is. An opposing force against light. Life. And like the life feels to death, the Dead fear the coming of Life, yet some still remember a glimpse of it, and welcome it without sorrow or fear. Perhaps that's how I entered, and how I will go.

Sakura's triumph was perhaps the real eye opening day for me. I was allowed to remain in Japan, in Tomoeda, and I did, for some strange reason. Perhaps I did love Sakura. I did not know. At that time I did not know anything anymore, so great was my disappointment. And then, that faded.

Because Eriol came.

Because Yue told me I love Sakura and my desperation was so great I believed him.

Because fate had woven me into its beautiful world of life.

Because here, people accepted me.

The one most worthwhile lesson I had ever learned in Japan, was from Sakura, the Card Mistress. From her, I realized that I was an accident, but fate had woven me into the world. I am now a part, just like everyone. I am no longer different, no longer strange. I am one who sees far, but I do not have to place myself outside again. Outside, I have seen all I could see.

Because I realized that I see what others don't see.

Because I realized, what others see, I don't see. 


	16. Chapter 15-Sakura

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 15-Sakura

He stayed unconscious all the time that he was in the hospital. When he awoke, he awoke to a blind stupor, with no memory of the nights before. He did not escape to the world of the dead, as he had done so many times. Instead, he wavered in living form, inside his body, very much alive.

I had honestly never seen or imagined Syaoran-kun like this. He was completely stupified. Yue tried to talk to him, and all he got was a blank look. Syaoran remembered nothing.

I remember the arrival home very clearly. Twas only a car accident, I tell myself. A _major _car accident. An _accident._

How can Syaoran not remember? The horror of the night. I barely remember it, though. He had unleashed fire. His magic. He had unleashed magic in his drunkeness. I still shudder when I think of it. My Syaoran. A monster. No more, no less.

He went into the mansion. All was quiet. The servants were standing there, silent.  
" Mama." Was his first call. Syaoran-kun looked around, and his call became more desperate. " Mama!" He started to run, but was held back by Yue.  
" Syaoran, your mother...she's not here-"  
" Mama!" Syaoran cried, and then called out something else, maybe " Sister", in Cantonese. " Meiling!" and he ran up the stairs, breaking away from Yue's grip. We followed.

He first ran to a large bedroom, obviously Li Yelan's. He ran to the middle of the room and spun around in a circle. He ran out. Yue caught him. Syaoran began to sob.  
" Jie jie!" He shouted, and Yue held on tighter.  
" Syaoran, they're gone. They're all gone."  
" Aunt, Uncle, Meiling," Syaoran was trembling.  
" All gone." Yue said softly. " All gone, Syaoran, there's no use calling them."  
" But I went to the world of the dead! They weren't there!"  
" You didn't go to the world, Syaoran. You remained here." Yue said. " Syaoran, Syaoran-"  
" Iie!" Syaoran struggled against Yue, trying to get out of the room, and then collapsed in defeat, sobbing. " Iie!"  
" Hai." Yue held Syaoran up sadly. " Hai, my son. They're gone."

I don't remember ever feeling more useless, watching someone in so much pain and confusion. Trickles of blood rolled down Syaoran's chin, pink blood, mixing with the tears that covered his face. Yue turned him around and held him in a tight embrace, his face turned towards us, his eyes lowered, and that was when I saw that he was crying too.

  
  
" What is going to happen to me now?" Was the question asked when Syaoran had finally calmed down.

That was, in truth, what I had been wondering about.

" Do you want to stay here?" Yue asked. Syaoran swallowed and said nothing.  
" You can stay here," Yue continued, " Or you can come with me."  
" Tomoeda?"  
" Hai."

I was silent. Kero said nothing. We waited, the four of us.  
" I want to go back." Syaoran said, without much hesitation. He wiped his eyes, still a little wet. " Want to go with otou-san."  
  
Yue rested his hand upon Syaoran's head and looked at me.  
" Oh." I said, although I didn't know why. " Aren't you more familiar with Hong Kong, I mean, your family is here-"  
" He's my family." Syaoran broke in, sounding a lot like a five year old. " Japan is my family. The only place I feel at home."

Kero looked at Yue and I had no idea what went on between them. Then Yue bent down and kissed Syaoran's head.

We were to leave in three days.

  
  
" Why? I happen to be Syaoran's partner in every chamber duet he has ever played." Xuyan grunted. " So I visit that baka all the time. It's hard not to know the formula."

I happened to know that Xuyan was feeling very sorry for Syaoran, otherwise, he wouldn't be offering to find the herbs for Yue in the first place.

We were looking for the contents of Syaoran's daily and very bitter draught. Xuyan had warned Yukito that he's going to have to share his chocolates, if anything. The Li clan planted a huge garden full of strange leaved herbs, and Xuyan was going through them, picking the leaves, the shrubs, digging up the roots while I watched and undid the rest. He took the seeded ones and dumped the seeds into separate bags.

" Have you ever tasted these things?" I asked him.  
Xuyan suddenly stopped. " Hai." He said after a pause. " I tasted each one separately." He sighed. " Jingxi is very brave, you know. Each one is bitter, each more than the last. And the more you drink the more bitter it gets."  
" And the only thing to relieve it is chocolate."  
" Hai." Xuyan went back to work. " Everday Syaoran drinks a bowl. A large bowl. You saw it. I remember when he was five. He was still whining then. I went over to the kitchen when he was taking his drought. _Bad_ timing. I laughed and called him a baby. It was so stupid. I didn't know we _were_ babies then. You know how it is, right Sakura-chan? Everytime your birthday comes you think, wow! I'm a year older! I feel so much like an adult. Now I look back and think, Ch, nonsense. Perhaps when I'm twenty or so I'll took at myself today and think, Xuyan, you were such a loser and a child. But that's in the future."  
" Egh." I swallowed. " I can imagine. But I don't like thinking about that right now."  
" No kidding." Xuyan chuckled. " But trust me, when you grow up, and look back, you'll be so amused. I just hope that you can talk with Syaoran about it."

I didn't understand it at first. Now I did. With this disease, no one knows how long Syaoran could survive.

" He was always different." Xuyan suddenly stopped. I looked at him, tightening the bags that I carried, the seeds, actually.  
" Hoe?"  
" I remember when I was very young," Xuyan blinked. " Syaoran was laughing with Fuutie. He knows how to laugh. He does it in private, or with his direct family. Almost never with anyone else, not even with Meiling. He didn't know I was there, and I made the wrong decision to step in. He stopped immediately, and then gave me this look."  
  
There was a pause.

" What look?" I asked, to break the silence.  
" I'm not sure." Xuyan thought for a moment. " It seemed to say a lot of things, that one look. It said, I know who you are and what you want. I know who you will be. It said, don't dare hurt me. Who could have known, eyes are so terrible. Jingxi freaked me out the first time I met him, heheh. It was the first time. I took that look as if he thought he's better than me. So I despised him. Well, bad idea. Jingxi beated me in everything."  
" Jingxi?" It was the first time I acknowledged it. " Who's Jingxi?"  
" Jingxi?" Xuyan blinked. " Oh. It means surprise, a good surprise. That's his name."

And that was when I realized " Xiao Lang" was actually his nickname.

  
  
I found Syaoran in his room later, packing. He didn't pack his cellos, not really. I guess he was still deciding whether to take all of them or just one. Who knows what he's thinking then.  
" Syaoran-kun?" I began. He blinked and looked up at me. " Hm?"  
I forgot what I was going to say and decided to say another. " You never told me you were Li Jingxi."  
" Oh." Syaoran looked uncomfortable. Clearly that was a stupid thing I said. " Ano...it never really came up."  
" How come you were called Syaoran?" I asked, hoping to make things better. They didn't call me dense for nothing.  
" Oh, ano, I don't know. Maybe because whenever I went to dinner, there was howling in the background."

We have never mentioned that the Li clan was located twenty miles away from any town or city. Certainly there must be wolves.  
" Oh." I remember saying. " Ano, what a coincidence."  
" Hai." Syaoran smiled. " You can call me Syaoran if you want. I don't really like Jingxi anyway. Makes me feel more like an accident."  
  
I can't believe I had no idea what he was talking about, now that I think of it. Thankfully, I didn't ask any more questions.

The flight to Tomoeda was uneventful. The departure was uneventful as well. Some of the Li clan came along with us to say goodbye, mostly Xuyan's direct family, but we knew none of them except for Xuyan.

Xuyan. Syaoran use to hate him. But that boy did not turn out to be so bad. He was merely misunderstood, jealous of Syaoran's intelligence. How can one blame him?

We remained pretty much silent for most of the flight, except for Eriol, who kept on worrying about whether we lost the Black Stone. It actually glows purple, by the way.

" The thing is dangerous to anyone other than the one the Dead give it to." Eriol whispered to me. " Unless you're trying to help the chosen one, in this case, we're trying to help Syaor-Jing-Syaora-Li. So it's alright for us. But if it falls into someone else's hands, they get cursed, and if it breaks, Syao-Li would lose his protection."

Yukito didn't hear us, but he obviously caught the aura of intensity because he turned to look at us, with Syaoran sleeping against his shoulder. Eriol went on.

" Somehow, I think the stone has something to do with the cure. I don't know yet. Maybe when we get to Japan, I'll go to England to get Kaho and the books. Or perhaps get some of my stuff. It may be the key to saving Syaoran."

The first thing we all did when we went out of the airport is to go to Yukito's house, where Syaoran, perhaps being the musician that he is, immediately took out his cello and began to inspect it. As if the airplane is going to burn his instrument to a crisp! But the guy wouldn't have any of it. He checked it once, he checked it twice, discovered another scratch each time, and then went over to check his bow. He muttered about having to get a new one and whether he could get it. I think he's suffering from severe stress.

Stress! But not from Life. From the place he use to go. Someone new was there. And boy, that person is not happy. 


	17. Chapter 16-Nakuru

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 16-Nakuru

The others have mentioned the flight to Hong Kong. Have mentioned where the Li Clan was located. The relationship between Yue and Syaoran. But they didn't mention the diaries. Yelan and Meiling had kept diaries. Which is how they got their say in this story.

Eriol went to England. Spinel and I stayed. Oddly enough, the reason I mentioned the diaries was because ironically, I was the first one Syaoran showed them to. He showed me many other things.

_" Each day," _Syaoran had said, _" I go to the realm of the dead. There, I behold all the spirits that wait to be reincarnated, or just came in. There were men. There were women. There were the elderly and the young. That was why I did not despair so when they all died. I only despaired because I was faced with reality. For where I go is but the gate. The real world of the dead is an empty void, deprived of all emotion, of all light, of all thought. It is a place of rest. There are no horrors, no darkness, no evils, only nothingness, for only then can one find peace. There, even to be happy is burdensome. So they created a world, a domain for the dead to roam. I saw them the night after I went home. They remained at the gate waiting for me. I said goodbye, I said I was sorry, and they said, it was not my fault. It was no ones. No one can escape fate."_  
_" Are you sad that they are gone?" _I had asked. _" They have left you. They do not always remain at the gate._"  
" _Kinomoto Nadeshiko remained the the living world, Nakuru-san." _Syaoran had answered. _" She was happy to watch over Sakura. Why can't they remain at the gate? But hai, I am sad that they are gone. I am sad that everyday I must wake to an empty house that's not my own."  
" But this is your house." _I had protested. _" Is not Yue your father?"  
" He is." _Syaoran had replied. _" But there is something you must know. Yue does not understand me. He loves me deeply, as I love him. Neither of us can understand each other. He does not understand what I understand. I do not understand what he understands. And until we do, this place will not be my home. And he will not be the shadow that had watched over me all these years."_

He spoke as one who had lost all hope in everything. His voice was empty of all emotion, even love, as he spoke about his family, his little world he escapes to that could have only been real because of the fact we were there. He was wrong. He was filled with despair. He wouldn't admit it. But he admitted to everything else.

_" I cannot love." _He had said to me when I asked him about Sakura. _" I use to be able to love. I really did, honestly. But I am too tired, Nakuru-san. My love once was renewed with Sakura-chan. She showed me so much that I didn't know. How the world for the ignorant are. So carefree, so happy, and it was so worthwhile to be such idiots. She loved Yukito-san and I let her, still loving her. She told me I could be one of them, the ignorant, the carefree, the happy. That I was a special part of the group. Then she broke my heart. She did nothing, Nakuru-san. She simply existed, and that broke my heart. Because I realized one day-that we were all together because of Sakura. Something related to her. I was nothing special. Simply different, as I had always been. I blend in, but once people know me more, they'll leave me. The only reason they're still here is because I am with Sakura, just as they are. Sakura broke my heart, because she lied."_

He never told me what she did " lie" about. But I instantly felt that there was more to this boy than I'll ever understand. The way he looks at the world is completely different from all the rest, which was why he calls us " ignorant". But he later admitted, he was wrong, after all. Because even he was a part of the whole, a different shape to all the identical shapes in the world. A different color, green instead of blue.

And I sensed danger. Great danger. For both Jingxi and Sakura

  
  
I will never forget the day I looked at the newspaper from over a year ago, which I thought I had thrown away, and I remember on it said, " Li Jingxi has won the International Cello Competition."  
  
I started laughing right then. It has been so long since I last laughed, it frightened me. I dialed Yukito's number and told him about Syaoran being in the newspapers all along, and we never knew him. That explains why he used his nickname as his legal Japanese name!

And on another newspaper, this time a Japanese one, there was an article about the little guest cello player performing with the Shanghai orchestra the works of Tchaikovsky and whoever wrote Carmen. Jingxi happened to be famous, and we never knew that. All because of that stupid nickname.

  
  
" Hey Syaoran-kun." I said to him one day as I entered the living room. " Konnichiwa, Yukito-san."  
" Konnichiwa." Yukito mumbled. " Do you happen to have any chocolate?"  
" Oh...hai? What do you want that for?"  
" Oh." Yukito was silent. " Syaoran wasn't feeling well. I had a feeling he needs his drought. Syaoran wanted me to forget. You have any strong chocolates?" He asked again."  
I silently handed them over. Then I went over to Syaoran. Yukito appeared moments later, dumping some ice into the hot brew, and handing it over. Syaoran grimaced.  
" Don't want."  
" I got some chocolate for you." Yukito winked at me. " No getting until you drink." He withdrew the candies.  
Syaoran groaned and took the bowl.

Gosh, that thing even smells bitter.

When the child finished, he looked like he was going to throw up. Yukito handed him the candy and he nearly ate it instantly, wrapper and all. He wasn't particularly enjoying the chocolate, just trying intently to get that awful taste out of his mouth. And I could see why. He ate about three more before he was able to look normal again. To think, it takes four chocolates to get the bitter taste out. No doubt Sakura described it to you.

I remember we were chatting, just chatting, when the phone rang. I happened to sit nearest to the phone.  
" Moshi moshi?" I said.  
" Nakuru! What in heavens name are you doing here?" Cried Eriol's voice. " I need Syaoran on, quick!"  
" Ano, Syaoran? It's for you. Eriol." I said, handing over the phone.  
" Moshi moshi?"  
  
There came a long silence.

" Oh, ano...I'm not sure...I'll try if you want...iie. Iie. Look-iie, I don't get that. I don't go there anymore...nani? Hai..." There was a long silence.  
" Oh, alright." His voice was that of submission. He hung up.  
" What was that about?" I asked.  
" I don't know why, but he wants me to take Sakura's cards." He looked extremely puzzled. " He asked me all these symptoms and asked if I had them."  
" What were they?" Yukito asked.  
" If I feel tired, if I bleed a lot through my mouth, if I had nightmares, stomachaches, headaches, if I felt nauseous." He took on a blank look. " If I see things."  
" Do you?" Yukito asked, there was a strain in his voice. " Eriol is asking if you had the disease that we were both wondering about."  
" What disease?"  
" A disease that starts out like you did." I spoke for Yukito. " Then it gets worse,through the years. It starts having these symptoms every day, more and more frequently, until finally you start bleeding and never stop, or urinate blood, as nasty as that sounds. Or perhaps, become bedridden, or brainwashed, literally. Then you cannot eat, your systems go all dead, your immune system-one of the mortal systems, by the way, eats at every organ it meets, which includes your brain and skull, and eventually you decompose in life."

Syaoran paled. " So..." He whispered, " I don't have these yet, but will I?"  
" That's what the cards are for." Yukito rose and went to the phone.  
Syaoran looked at me in confusion.  
" Clow enabled the cards to protect against anything dealing with conflicts of different magics in one body." I replied. " He meant it for the Card Mistress, but it seems Eriol wants you to have it for the time being. God, this is so messed up, Yukito, urgh! He _knew_ that Sakura wouldn't have this problem, good god-" But Yukito was on the phone with Sakura.

I remember this interesting verse in Eriol's book that I had stolen once to annoy him. Or actually, verses. It was a poem, sort of, and I still remember it;

_Two years,  
The soul steps out,  
And all that lived died at once._

Three years.  
The eyes open,  
And all that was hidden laid bare to see.

Four years,  
The ears grow strong,  
And all that's silent became known.

Five years,  
The hand moves quick,  
And all the weapons became covered with blood.

Six years,  
Silent and still,  
And all the close ones depart.

Seven years,  
One comes near,  
The little one then learns to care.

Eight years,  
The test of strength,  
As one fails to do what's done.

Nine years,  
The heart grows cold,  
Accepting all that ever was.

Ten years.  
The soul departs,  
To different place one learns to love.

Eleven years,  
The wish comes true,  
And all that's hidden came to light.

Twelve years,  
Thirteen and more,  
Little is known of what fate has in mind.

And god, that thing was about Syaoran!  



	18. Chapter 17-Yue

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 17-Yue

He is eleven years old. And he does not have the symptoms. I don't know what exactly made me so relieved. Was it the fact that he does not have the disease, or the fact that he is not going to be eaten alive?

Such is the worries of a father over a child like Syaoran. Who could have known that a year ago, Syaoran was threatening Sakura to hand over her cards. Who could have thought that I would give my heart to anyone other than my master. Who could have thought I have a son?

But these feelings make one feel very good, however painful they might be. Humans are like this, filled with emotion-anger, hatred, jealousy, love. Perhaps it's because they don't have long to live. They do whatever they had to do to live life to the fullest, when the opportunity comes, when they wish it. Immortals had a lot of time.

But Jingxi didn't.

I still called him Syaoran. Couldn't get use to the new name. I admit, I had heard of the name Li Jingxi, the school talked about him as frequently as they talked about Yo Yo Ma. Or Julliard. I probably should have taken him there, and there was an offer from a Julliard professor to teach him. But America was not as kind as it seems. I've been there. During the Gilded Age, it's worst age other than the Depression, especially to foreigners. I passed for a Caucasian, but I saw Japanese, Chinese with their little pigtails. America was not friendly. Laissez-faire Capitalism was not friendly, so the country wasn't either. I came to Japan.

For someone who can't speak English, it's a complete suicide. 

Syaoran did not have the symptoms, except that he's usually weak and feeble. There was something childish about him, something that calls out for " mommy", all the time. At night he usually wanted me to stay with him until he falls asleep, holding my hand. When he couldn't sleep he talks to me.

He had a pitiful life. Iie, not pitiful, exactly. It's just a harsh life for one so young. Most people thought he was just a rich brute. How wrong they were. Syaoran got sent to the mental hospital one time.

_" I hated that place._" Syaoran had started to cry when he told me. _" Everywhere there was yelling. Sick laughter, and all the sane people were afraid of the insane. I was not insane. I was not crazy. So I was scared._ _Insane people have a different way of thinking. They do not know what is logical." _He had quieted down and thought for a moment. _" I think those who are crazy,_" He began, _" are more or less cowards. I don't know, I haven't been with them long enough and I was never insane myself. But they were, more or less, afraid of life. They were more frightened of life than they are of death. They have some reason, I mean, life has its hardships. But since they cannot get away from life, they mess up their mind. They create these weird illusions, or something of that sort. Sane people are afraid of death. The insane are afraid of life. Which is why they don't go together."_

He's only eleven years old, and whether he's wrong or right, he had a point. And to think, he's going to sixth grade!

  
  
I remember this saying. Like father, like son. Now, I don't have any problem with that saying except that it goes for nearly everyone who has a father-and at the same time, it's wrong, because it forgot to mention the influences of the mother.

Syaoran obviously needs her. Or else he'll become like me. And being half mortal-it's not a good thing.

Mortal. I use to hate that word. Always coming to an end. The End. That was what it usually meant. The end of a lifetime of struggles. Somehow, everyone loses the battle to survive-somehow...

Yet now that I think of it...

" Tired." Syaoran had said once. Sakura was with him.  
" Do you want to get some rest?"  
" Iie. Just tired. Feel horrible. Want to vomit."  
" I guess you ate too much." Sakura suggested.  
" He hardly ate anything." Yukito contradicted.  
" Oh..."

Sakura had not made the first move yet. But Syaoran accepted her slowly. Sakura remained in the living room while I went up with Syaoran. And there he collapsed.

And then, I heard voices. Voices in my head.  
_He's young. You are not.  
He needs help. Can you give it, Yue?  
He's a mortal. Will you understand him?  
Do you love him?  
Do you trust him?  
Will you save him?  
Saving isn't worth it...he'll die anyway.  
He has your blood Yue. He's your son.  
Your son._

Voices of the dead. At that time, I was honestly terrified of them. They seem to corrupt my mind, cloud my vision, deafen my hearing. And then I realized...

It's all Syaoran. Syaoran's questions. Syaoran's wishes. Syaoran's problems. Syaoran's hope.  
And the Dead. They're telling them to me.

  
  
" You can't do that." Syaoran was saying. " You have to take the cards."  
They were actually playing regular cards with spades and diamonds, trying to pass the time, since it was getting ( once again) very hot, since a heat wave is here. ( In the middle of July).

" But I called Biez." Sakura protested.  
" You flipped the right card, so you had to take it."  
" Urgh." Sakura took the five cards on the table. " Eriol-kun? You go four."  
" Two fours." Eriol put it down.  
" Three fives." Tomoyo tossed it out.  
" Biez!" Syaoran suddenly called. And then he flipped the top card. " Ha."  
" Aw."  
" You get seven. Two sixes." Sakura took out two cards and put them in the center.  
" What are they playing?" Spinel asked.  
" Biez." Nakuru answered. " I think it's Spanish."  
" One jack."  
" Four queens."  
" _Five_ kings." Syaoran dared.  
" Biez." Kero said. He flipped a card. " Shoot!" He cried, flipping the King. Then he flipped all the others.  
" Four of them are Kings." Syaoran smiled triumphantly. " One is a joker. You lose."  
" Shizuka ni." Kero smiled as he took the fifteen cards.  
" One Ace." Sakura said.  
" Biez." Syaoran called, and flipped it. It was a free pass.  
" Shoot."  
" So what are you going to do, Yue?" Nakuru asked me, or rather, asked Yukito. " You know, Syaoran would have to have a sorceror to look at him.  
" One two." Eriol called, who had come back from his trip two days ago. " Tomoyo-chan?"  
" Three threes." Tomoyo smiled."  
" One four."  
" Two fives."  
" Biez."  
" Flip it."  
" Shoot."  
" I know." Yukito answered for me. " I don't know many people who can, though."  
" Eriol does." Spinel answered. " You should ask him. And perhaps Eriol might hold the answer."  
" How?"  
" He's Clow Reed, you know. Clow Reed knew how to create immortals. He knew the risks."  
" One seven."  
" Seven eights."  
" Biez!" Shouted all of them at once, not including Syaoran.  
" They're _all_ eights." His voice rose over the disappointed murmur of them. " I had all the jokers. I win."  
" New game! Hey, do you want to play Chinese Poker?"  
" _Iie!_" Sakura suddenly yelled. " I stink at that."  
" There's another kind of game, but oh well."  
" I want to play Biez."  
" I want to play Split."  
" Just play Biez, come on."  
" Poker. We can form teams."  
" Daijoubu." Sakura resigned. Syaoran took the cards and shuffled them. " Yukito san? Nakuru? Spinel? Do you want to play?"  
" I will." Yukito smiled. " I'm good at that."  
" I'll play too." Touya suddenly said.  
" That makes nine though..."  
" I don't want to play." Spinel grumbled.  
" Daijoubu. Come on." Syaoran passed out the cards. We all slammed on the groups we wanted.  
" Oh shoot, this is a good _good_ deck." I heard Syaoran say.  
" You remember Cenon?" Nakuru asked.  
" Cenon?" Eriol blinked. " Oh, I know him. Who has the three of diamonds?"  
" I do. One three." Sakura put it down. " Nakuru?"  
" One four." Nakuru said. " Cenon was a good shaman."  
" Hai, he was. But if it's Jingxi you're talking about, then Cenon's not the one."  
" Is he a doctor?" Syaoran asked.  
" Hai, that's what a Shaman is. Half doctor, half magician. But the forces go together more cooperatively." Eriol answered. " Go, Yukito!"  
" Alright!" Yukito grumbled. " One six."  
" One eight." Eriol put down.  
" One joker."  
" Two of spades!" Kero cried. Syaoran smiled. " I pass."  
" Pass?" Syaoran asked.  
Yukito had a real two of spades, but he decided to keep it. I should have known Syaoran was a good player.  
" Royal flush. In diamonds." Syaoran said.  
" Whoa." Sakura blinked. " You got a good deck."  
" I have one! Royal flush. In clubs."  
" Royal- wait, anyone have more?" Syaoran looked around.  
Royal flush. That's the leading one.  
" Pass." We said in unison.  
" I don't." Syaoran smiled. " Royal flush. In spades."  
" Two of them!" Sakura cried. " Whoa!"  
" Pass." We all said.  
" A three of clubs. My last."  
" Oh shoot." Sakura laughed. Syaoran won the game.  
" What about Galadran?" Kero suggested. " What do you think, Eriol?"  
" Galadran? She's alright." Eriol answered. " But I'm not sure her reincarnation is present at this time. It might not be. She's not linked with Clow's legacy, you know."  
" Two threes." Tomoyo started.  
" Two fives."  
" Two fives." Kero called.  
" Two sixes." Sakura said.  
" Two eights." Nakuru put it down.  
" Two queens." Yukito took it out.  
" Two Kings."  
" Two aces."  
" Pass."  
" Pass."  
" I don't." Yukito said. " Two twos."  
" Shoot, a joker." Kero grumbled.  
" Then who is?" Yukito asked. " If Galadran is not, than who is?"  
" No one, really." Eriol answered. " We're sort of alone on this one. We can't really count on anyone. Full house."  
" Straight flush." Nakuru called.  
" Pass," Yukito mumbled. " So how are we going to cure this thing then?"  
" I don't really know. I'm hoping Syaoran is curable. If not, well, it's as hopeless as AIDS."  
" And if it's curable?' Yukito asked. " Then how do we know...how?"  
" Straight flush. In spades." Sakura called. " Easy. We just check it out. I mean, if we can look at the symptoms the way a doctor does-"  
" Pass. You go, Sakura-chan." Tomoyo called. " But that doesn't mean we can cure him. Think of leukemia."  
" Three of a kind." Sakura took out.  
" Three of a kind." Eriol flung the cards out. " Tomoyo's right. Just looking at the symptoms doesn't tell you anything. I'm hoping Syaoran's strong enough to last."  
" I am." Syaoran sulked. " The Dead told me something about messing up two worlds. They don't want me back there again."  
" No wonder. If they really want to help you." Spinel said from the back, as I tossed out my last five cards, a full house. " If you keep going there you wouldn't know which world is real."  
" Which is the exact problem. They're both real." Eriol replied. " Like father, like son, Yukito! You won second place!" I sat back and watched.  
" One four. Say Yukito," Tomoyo looked up. " Have you ever tried anything lately? I mean, you're an immortal and all."  
" That doesn't mean he could just be a sensei." Eriol answered. " Nakuru, do you pass?"  
" Iie. One eight."  
" But Yue has _some_ powers. Maybe he could cure him."  
" Or maybe it's plainly psychological. Wait Nakuru!" Sakura cried. " _I _didn't go yet!"  
" Oh, gomen."  
" Iie, it's not psychological." Syaoran said quietly. " Or, actually, not totally. There are some parts that are just physical. The mental part is over. I think."  
" Ay, we have to do something about your blood." Eriol pinched Syaoran. " The pink color gives me the creeps."  
" You're telling me." Syaoran muttered. " Iie, Sakura! Don't take _that_ card!"  
" Oh."  
" You know," Syaoran began as they tossed the cards into the middle of the table. " I've been thinking. This whole mess is because a mortal and a god ( or angel if you like,) happened to combine together in some way to form a half half. What if I become a whole? A whole mortal, or immortal, however you like. Then you wouldn't have this mess of your body eating yourself."  
" That's a good point, you know." Eriol put down an ace of hearts. " Nakuru?"  
" Two of diamonds."  
" Two of clubs."  
" Now, you put that card down." Syaoran told Sakura, and Sakura put down the two of hearts.  
" Pass." They all muttered.  
" One three. That's all."  
" Shoot." Tomoyo smiled. " So there's Syaoran, Yukito, and Sakura. Eriol-kun, I thought you were good at this."  
" Hey, I'm not good at _chinese_ poker." Eriol smiled. " I go, hai?"  
" Hai."

As Yukito chatted with the others, I suddenly felt cold. Because the thought of healing him was chilling. If Syaoran becomes a mortal, then he will die, and carrying with him a piece of my heart, just as Clow had done. If Syaoran becomes an immortal, he will suffer as I did, watching his loved ones fade away and stand aside, unable to follow, unable to rest. 


	19. Chapter 18-Eriol

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 18-Eriol

I guess the fact that Syaoran was helping Sakura out of all people shows that there was still a kind of bond between them, if not strong. Because Sakura, frankly, did not sit right next to Syaoran.  
  
We played the games until late in the evening. We all needed it. Syaoran did not show any signs of mourning for his family, perhaps because he met them once, but since he hardly goes to the world anymore I'm guessing he should miss her. He didn't give any sign, though. Sakura and Touya were severely stressed out because of worrying over Syaoran. I still remember the day when Touya nearly fell off the tree. Touya and Syaoran, as he told you, had parted with hard feelings. Those were forgotten. Now, Touya was as caring as Yue was, perhaps because of Yukito, perhaps because of Sakura, perhaps because of Syaoran. I never asked him. Yue suffered greatly as well, worrying over Syaoran's health. I had to look for magicians and sorcerors, Nakuru had to help me, Kero as well, and Tomoyo sometimes came over to offer her help and support. The only lazy one of the group, perhaps, was Spinel, but one can't blame him. He's a cat, after all.

We played until late in the evening. After Chinese Poker, came Blackjack, then Split, which served to be quite boring. So we played Slam instead.

There was an air of quiet around Yukito, although he still chatted merrily. I remember the night very clearly. It was one of the few nights that we had finally relaxed, but not enough not to worry.

The cards went down as if they were flashing. King from Sakura. My turn. Four, five, jack. Ace from Nakuru. Seven, Nine, two, queen, from Yukito. Two, three. The cards go to Yukito. And then, there came murmurings. Syaoran complained of a headache, because he couldn't sleep at night.

I wasn't really concerned about this. I didn't know why. We went on playing Slam. Ace from Yukito. Queen from Kero. Seven, two from Syaoran. Five, six, six from me, and wham! We all slammed onto the cards. Yukito got the pack. And all the while we heard Syaoran moan, and we didn't see him drop out of the game, surrendering his cards. We did not want this night to end. To have fun. And then we had too much. Slam provided no room for talk. And then when finally, Sakura got all the decks, we turned around to laugh at Syaoran, and realized he was gone.

  
  
Wang badan! As Chinese say, if they had been as frightened as we. Syaoran was no fool, though. He had realized he could not stay, and so did not. He fell asleep on the couch, despite Sakura's screams and Tomoyo's squeals. We found him stretched out, a pitiful figure.

Yukito gently lifted him, and Syaoran was in such a deep sleep he did not wake up. Silently, we watched him carry his child up the stairs. He disappeared as it turned.

There was an eerie quiet. The cards were forgotten.  
" He's still ill." Nakuru said softly. " No matter how we turn away. The truth lays bare."  


  
Poor poor Yue. Clow Reed had never introduced him to many sorcerors, and now, he's dependent on us, much to his resentment. But there was nothing he could do. Sakura was too young to know many, so she wasn't much help either. Nakuru and I were alone on this one, since the cat does nothing but read. 

I didn't know how to start, really. Clow was a famous sorceror, and although not all events were connected to him, he did know a lot of people. The problem is, if their reincarnations are still here, whether they still have magic, and do they know me or not.

Kaho could handle those in Europe, was my first thought. What about the Americas? Some may have gone to America. The US, no doubt, would be quite a satisfying choice. For those who know how to speak English, that is. And perhaps people might want to visit Russia. No, not these days. China? Of course! But where? China and Russia are the two giants of Asia. How can one find someone in so many square miles of land? But what must be done must be done. I wrote a letter to Kaho-san, and tried to remember anyone who might have been alive and lived somewhere outside of Europe.

Then I remembered Yelan. What if she knew someone?

  
  
" You want to read her diary?" Syaoran looked at me in disbelief. " How did you know that she kept one, and that I have it?"  
" I just knew." I said lamely. " Onegai, Syaoran-kun. I don't mean to look into any of her private life, I just want to know if there were any sorcerors out there that might help us."  
" Might?" Syaoran said blankly, than blinked. " I'm not sure what you're planning to do, Eriol." He went and looked through the drawers.  
" Hai hai, I know. You could probably try that idea of yours, but I'm warning you. Each choice has consequences."  
" I have to plan to be immortal."  
" Than what do you plan? To die right this minute? Listen," I bent down next to him. " Don't go around thinking that Sakura's the one that we care about most, and everyone else is just here for her. You're here for some reason which none of us know. To love her, maybe?"  
  
Syaoran shot me a glare. " And what is that suppose to mean?"  
" Nothing." I answered. " But what I am saying is, you mean a lot to all of us, believe it or not."  
He surprised me by laughing.  
" What irony!" He cried. He stopped his search. " And what is there about me that you all care so much?" He gave me this queer look. " You know Eriol," He began. " I'm not like anyone else. I'm an outsider. None of you understand who I am."  
" Nonetheless," I replied carefully, " We wish to save you."  
" What is there to save?" Syaoran asked me quietly, softly, still that queer light in his eyes. " Do you really think I'm so afraid of death, Eriol?"  
  
He looked down and was silent for a moment. I started to speak, but he broke in.  
" For someone who has been dead, and remembers it," He began, " Life is _so_ heavy. The whole world weighs upon your shoulders, your head, your legs, your very being, pinning you to the ground. Death is like...like flying." He lifted his head to look at me. " In my dreams, I use to fly." Syaoran tilted his head, his eyes lowering in memory. " I glided wherever the wind took me. Of course, it was too absurd to try it outside in the _real_ world. I flew and flew, and there was no strain of beating wings, muscles aching, tiredness. I was simply flying. No need of magic. That's what death is like. Like sleeping, yet awake to see all that's about you, feel the wind under your arms and yet never tire, because you fly with no effort on your part; the wind does it all. And then you come to this world and realize, my god, it isn't like it at all. Yet this is the best world." He nodded. " The best of all worlds. It can't get any better. And then you see everything. You become afraid to love." He added quietly.  
" Why are you afraid?" I asked, thinking this is a _strong_ link to his relationship with Sakura.  
" They say that men are like children. Fickle and restless. They love what they cannot have, and once they get it, they leave it behind." Syaoran's eyes looked tired. " It's actually true for all people. More so for men, though." He gave this weird chuckle. " What do you think would happen if I loved Sakura and she loved me back?"   
  
I remained silent.

" She'll realize that she can't stay with me. I'm too different. I'm not part of the group, you know. I stand taller, more distant. My powers, my magic. They're battling each other. My powers are weak. I am useless. The disease makes me tired. She'll weary. We'll both die restless. She'll see what a pitiful figure I am, and realize, I'm not the one for her. She'll go off," By now he was almost foretelling. " Find a stronger one, to lean on, to love and be loved. She'll be heartbroken, seeing I'm too tired to love. She'll look around and see how many friends she had, and look at me, a solitary soul. She'll laugh and leave. I'll sigh and die, she'll come and I'm already gone.  
But we're getting off the topic here." Syaoran said abruptly. " If you want to read the diary, have it. Don't go reading it too intently, mind you. If you do, I'll have your head. You may have a piano, but I have a cello. And being hit by a cello is not painless."

  
  
That night, I opened the book, flipping to whatever page she had, and on it, with poor grammar of Japanese and wonderful grammar of Chinese, she had written with good script,

_I didn't know if I really deserved it, but Syaoran forgave me. He didn't come to my room and say so, but there are connections between the mother and child that perhaps no scientist can understand..._

Remembering Syaoran's words, I did not read all of it. There was much, much more to it. Not that I was afraid of being wacked on by a cello, I was just respectin Yelan and Syaoran's privacy.

_Junxiu, Guofeng, Zishi, _I thought. _They sound awfully familiar. Perhaps I can write to the Li clan._

Of course, I could always use a telephone, or in British, wireless. But that costs money, especially long distance. So there!

  
  
Nakuru remained silent all the time we had been home. The only time she had spoken was at the night of poker, as we called it, or at Yukito's house. She seemed to lose most of her energy and hype. I worry about her sometimes.

That night, when I went to bed, I had a strange dream. It was no longer my power to dream prophetic dreams, yet it seemed so real that night. I dreamed that I had sat in a couch somehow, and then there was a ringing of a doorbell. I opened the door. Outside there came a large flash, and several moments later a huge crack in the sky that left the house shaking. I opened the door. And outside was Syaoran, Jingxi, Syaoran, clothed in that wretched robe of his that had hid the color of his blood for so long. He stumbled in, his hair and clothes wet, grabbing onto me. He was crying, sobbing like a poor child that he was. There came a dimming of lights, a low fire broke through the empty void, and I saw Syaoran again, his skin white as snow, his eyes like glowing lamps, filled with amber coated gold. He wore robes of white silk, everything was white and silver. A cloth of pure white was tied around his head, making him look surprisingly girlish because he was so thin. He stared at me, raising his hand, and the hand, white as it was, was coated with pink blood, the pink of a delicate rose. But the blood did not come from his hand. For at his heart, there was a darkening spot amongst the whiteness.  
" Syaoli." I called. He spoke nothing, simply stared at me.  
" Syaoran. It is me. Tell me what is happening," I tried to ask as gently as I could.  
" _Blood from the heart,_" Syaoran's voice sounded eerie and unearthly. _" Giveth life to all. But from it draineth death. And the hand that bringeth forth the blood, is the one that murdered, no other."  
_" Hai," I had said slowly.  
_" Then why do you hateth, Eriol-san?" _Syaoran's expression turned from blankness to sorrow. _" What have I doneth to have you hate?"_  
  
In stepped Sakura, also dressed in pure white. Her skin was the color of snow, her hair a shade of gray. Her eyes were filled with darkness, empty voids. There was also a white cloth tied around her head.  
_" Li Jingxi..._" She whispered. " _Eriol-kun. Avenge...revenge, vengeance..." _She faded away.  
" What is going on?" I had asked, a little bit nervous.  
Syaoran then dropped to his knees and started sobbing, sobbing all his tears, and the blank darkness began to shimmer with every tear that poured out of his eyes. I rushed to him, I ran, wanting to comfort, wanting to hold, but for some reason I could not reach him. He drifted further and further away, in his deathly whiteness.

I woke up remembering what the colors meant. Sakura, dressed in white. Syaoran, dressed in white. The black void. The cloth around their heads.

In China, the color of white means many things. One of which is death.


	20. Chapter 19-Touya

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 19-Touya

" You never had a brother before, have you?" Was the first thing I had asked when Syaoran had came to our house and promptly refused to eat anything.  
" Iie." Syaoran blinked. " What do you mean, before? I don't have one."  
" God, you're mighty dense." I winked at Kero. " You know, during our stay in Hong Kong, we learned quite a few things about you."  
" Like what." Syaoran's question was blunt and flat.  
" The fact that you are ticklish."  
The little boy jerked up and stared at me with wide eyes.  
" Now, as long as you remain in this house, you're either going to eat, or," I reached for his tummy and began to tickle him. The poor kid squealed, and there came a childish smile that broke over his face, and then the sound of bells that rang for the first time.  
" Stop, stop! Stop! Alright, I'll eat, for heaven's sake, Touya!" He shrieked. I decided to stop the torture.  
" You are so mean!" He yelled at me. I smiled. It's nice seeing the youngster so spirited. Even during the night of poker, he was not very enthusiastic. These days, he barely moved around, other than playing that stupid cello of his.  
" I can be meaner. There's a reason why Sakura stomps on me feet." I told him.  
His reply surprised me. He stomped on the exact place Sakura had several hours ago that morning.  
  
Well, there's a reason he's called Jingxi.

And the amusing thing is, Tomoyo's camera wasn't there.

Alright, let me touch on what the heck the setting was. Sakura and Tomoyo had gone off to the mall. Yukito had to go to his college because of the ' open school' thing, which was held for two days. I went the other day, which Yukito missed, having to make sure Syaoran didn't try to burn himself by heating his drought. ( The guy is starting to give me the creeps, and to think, I've known him for ten years!) So he had the decency to trust me with his son. I remember thinking, _Gee, wait until I tell Yukito what just happened._

  
  
So back on the story. Syaoran managed to finish his breakfast. He's the slowest eater in the world. That one plate of pancakes costed me two hours. Of course, it was partly my fault because I kept on talking to him and feeding him milk. I guess he sort of got sick because of that. ( I had forgotten Asians don't digest milk that easily, and some are even allergic. I drank too much milk for that knowledge.)  
And me, with my wonderful personality, managed to make him laugh the whole breakfast hours, although the bad thing was right after that he began to cry. He told me he missed his mommy, or " Mama", in this case, that he missed his sisters, that he never had a chance to really show them how much he appreciated them and all their support, and now he couldn't go to the Dead world because he was refused admission. The outburst was late in coming, but heartbreaking all the same. 

Afterwards he sort of vomited, the contents being mostly white. Luckily, he went to be bathroom before the fit came, so the contents were in the toilet. Then he became so tired I thought he got AIDs. He's the deepest sleeper in the world, slept for three hours straight, and I was forced to play video games with Kero.

  
  
He came to my room, and just then his stomache grumbled. I raised an eyebrow at that.  
" Alright, I'm hungry!" He yelled at me, annoyed that his body betrayed him. " Where's lunch?"  
" Downstairs, get over here." Secretly, I had been very happy. He behaved quite like my sister, you know, demanding, sweet, caring, quiet. Although the sweet and caring didn't come at that moment. The demanding did. He wasn't particularly quiet-well, he couldn't stop humming some cello song, which he told me was by Brahms. I had to cook lunch for him. He raided the fridge, not for himself, but for Kero, who wouldn't wait. The stuffed animal had even less patience than Nakuru. So Syaoran gave some cookies to Kero and I urged him to take some for himself. He decided to get chocolate. We had noodles for lunch. Then he said something that disturbed me.  
" Do you think if anything happened to Sakura, Yue would still care about me?"  
" What are you talking about, you baka. Of course he'll care about you. You're his son!"  
" I had a bad dream." Syaoran replied slowly, his voice a little weak. " Yue didn't want me anymore. Sakura was gone."  
  
I got a bit uncomfortable. " I think that dream is all nonsense." I said roughly.  
" I don't know about that." Syaoran replied. He put down his chopsticks.  
" Hey, Yue isn't taking care of you so intensely for nothing, you know."  
" I know. But he's a guardian."  
" So?"  
" He has a job." Syaoran pointed out. " He wasn't created to be a father. He doesn't really have his own life. If something happens to Sakura, then he's going to follow that direction. I wasn't supposed to be alive."

And as confusing as that sounded, and as frustrating, I couldn't help but understand and agree. The boy has every reason to fear. He has every reason to doubt Yue.

And I started to wonder if Syaoran had more power than Sakura.

  
The next day, the whole group was together, heading for the library. I did not know how it had happened. Somehow, the white walking sign was on, and we were crossing the street. Sakura was before us all, when there came a huge van, all white and shiny, and then...

It happened to be that it wasn't just Yue who had abandoned him. Tomoyo turned away from him. I turned away from him. Kero cursed his name. Spinel and Nakuru remained silent. The search for the shamans were forgotten. Only Eriol lended a helping hand, but barely.

Why did we abandon him? It wasn't simply because Sakura was killed. It wasn't because she lingered for three days and three nights, at the Tomoeda hospital, between life and death. It was because Syaoran had every opportunity to pull her back. Or so we believed.

And so the dream turned out to be true. Sakura was dead.

I remember being with Yukito, in his living room, when Syaoran, in his robes, went over to him. Yukito wouldn't look at him, so angry he was. I looked at him coldly. Quiet and despondent, the child pulled out the cards that Sakura had given him. He held them out. Yukito took them without a word, eyes cold and hard. The child looked like he was going to cry, but no tears fell. He looked long and hard at me, and I remembered the talk at the lunch table, the laughter when I had first and last tickled him. Then he turned, went up the stairs, we heard the quiet shutting of the door, and from that same door, stepped a ghost. 


	21. Chapter 20-Syaoran

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 20-Syaoran

Never count on anyone to stay by your side for long. For we had all come to this world as single souls, except for those who have mates. And for those who come as single souls there is no one there for them. They can never openly trust. Never lean on. Never rest for long.

That I had kept in my mind for many years. Best friends will leave. Deaths will come. If the saying of soulmates is true, then the soulmates will die at the same time. But they almost never do.

It really wasn't my fault, was it? I keep on asking. And I keep on getting the same answer. You know yourself. But the problem was, I didn't know. Sakura had first chatted with me out into the street. I turned and saw a huge van heading our way. And I didn't call her. I didn't pull her to a stop. I let the van crash on her. And even as the others rushed to her, I remained where I was, frozen.

I couldn't move at all. Not even when Yukito looked up and stared at me. Even then I couldn't move. It wasn't because I wouldn't. I couldn't. And I remained there. I could not see the dark blood, I did not see. Suddenly, panic built up inside me and I realized I would never see her again, not at the gate, not anywhere. And the dark aura of Nadeshiko vanished along with Sakura, three days later.

I saw the van a long way off. And I didn't call her.

No one spoke to me. I was a shadow. A shadow. A forgotten ghost. They look at me coldly, or they look, and see through me as if I was not there. Not just Yue. All of them. I knew they were angry at me, that I didn't stop Sakura, that I didn't rush with her and I stood there, emotionless, in the middle of the street, even as the police called out and the ambulance came. Then I ran from her, I didn't go to the hospital. I dropped out of everything.

No one spoke to me. Yukito gave me my daily drought almost irritably. What had I done wrong? I wondered. But I knew what I did wrong. I could not understand why they refused to forgive me. 

In truth, I did not understand myself anymore.

Only Eriol. Eriol stretched out his hand to me, spoke to me, looked at me with the little warmth he could afford. I was grateful to him. But he wasn't enough.

I had often looked at Japan with adoration, because it was the only place I felt wanted. Cared for. The only place where I was not a burden. And a little later I became one, but not because I had to be. Because I was still wanted. At this point I look at Tomoeda and I realized it was the same as anywhere else. I'll still be a burden, wanted as long as I am with one who's wanted. People do not recognize me for who I am. They recognize me as who I was, and who I was with.

It was like the sun had died down, an old star, with its gassy clouds sprayed about, covering the core, as the black hole began to suck things in. This same hole opened in my heart and sucked all emotions except pain. It sucked in happiness, all traces of happiness, delight, rest, peacefulness, and all what was left of love.

I then forgot what love was.

And all memories were gone. I now miss my mother more than ever. Only she could support me, believe in me, trust me if I tell her that I had tried, had tried my best to move, to save her, but I couldn't. My body won't obey me. And she'll say something like, " It wasn't your fault, Syaoran. The Dead are protecting you," Regardless of whether it was true or not. But at least someone trusted me.

Now, I don't know who to trust to even tell this to. To tell I had honestly tried, but I couldn't move. Because I couldn't prove it.

I missed my sisters. I missed my mother. I missed the shadow that no longer hovered over me, ever since Yue came and called himself my father. I called him my father. I missed that shadow. I missed everything I lost.

That night, I decided what must be done. I looked at the deck of Sakura cards that she had given me. The only person it rightfully belongs to now, is the guardians. I didn't dare meet Kero. I was in Yukito's house anyway, though not for long, I have decided.

I handed to him the cards. He gave me a cold and hard look and then accepted them. Then he ignored me.

I hated feeling so much neglect. I hated feeling so much anger and hatred. I couldn't stand it. The burden of life became heavier. And I couldn't stand it. I went up the stairs.  
  
I shut the door.

I walk to the window.

And I told the dead spirits my decision.

I wish to be mortal.

  
  
In truth, this wish is deadly, if the Dead did not favor me, I would have been dead, right then and there. But the Dead refused to take me. They forced me to my body, chained me to my flesh and blood and bones. I struggled, crying, they do not yield. Until I step out of the room, pale and trembling, Touya looking up at me and paling also. I did not care. The fight had been defeated. But in a sense I had won. The black hole in my heart had taken everything except pain. And then I repressed the pain. With all emotions gone, I am a shadow. I am a ghost. I am nothing.

And at night, I went to the dead world again. This time, they let me come in, admitted me. I felt the hands of Nakeshiko through my hair, stroking and murmuring. Why would Sakura's mother be so kind, if I had done such wrong to her daughter? Maybe because she understood. But the gentle hands were only temporary. Sakura remained at the gate, but out of my reach. I could not see her. Nadeshiko remained at the gate, but left me alone. I went out of the realm in bitterness.

From that day on, Yukito gave me my medication and I pour it into the sink as soon as he left. The chocolate I dumped into the trash. Every day, he gave me and I poured. Soon, it would no longer be a waste.

I went to the cabinet and the basement to search out the herbs. I took a third of them and buried them in the yard. None of the seeds were spared.

Why I did this, I did not know. I seemed to have an instinct to no longer live. I now realize the only thing that had kept me alive for so many years was my mother mothering me, my sister's teasing, and the cello. But I couldn't play it anymore. I didn't have the heart to. And Yukito never knew this. He never knew what I did to all the bowls of medicine.

And then, I felt I did not have much time to hide it.

" You look awfully thin, Syaoran." Eriol remarked once. " Thinner than usual."  
" Really?" I pretend to look at myself. " That's weird."  
" That's weird indeed." Eriol looked at me. " Have you been eating well?"  
" Hai."  
He gave me a long look and I stared steadily back at him.  
" They haven't been treating you well, have they?"  
" Hai, they did." I answered. " Yukito never forgot to give me the broth."  
" Oh, I don't mean that." Eriol said, obviously upset. " But never mind. Do you want to come over?"  
I hesitated. He looked earnest.  
" Alright." I said. " I'll come."

" Have you been going to that place again?" Eriol asked.  
" Hai." I answered, knowing he meant the Realm of the Dead. " They let me in now.  
That gaki. Who could have known that he could see such things. There came a queer light in his eyes as he regarded me, with something like pity. I remained emotionless.  
" Are you happy there?"  
" Not happy. I told you already. There's no such thing as emotion in the realm of the dead."  
" Alright, alright." Eriol sat up straight. " Do you want to remain there?"  
" If I could, maybe." I had a feeling he was getting to the particular subject I didn't want to discuss.

Eriol was no fool. He sensed it.

" Do you miss her at all?"  
I should have broken down then, perhaps. Her, means Sakura. But I didn't. By then, I had no emotion.  
" Iie." I said truthfully. " I miss my mother. I miss my sisters. I miss everything I lost. Meiling, my aunt and uncle. But not Sakura."  
" Is it because it's too fresh?"  
" Iie." I said, and I turned away. " I hate her Eriol." I said.   
" You love her." Eriol said bluntly. " Don't you?"  
" What's love?" I smiled at him, weird, me smiling. Eriol paled at that smile. It must have freaked him out, and I remember enjoying it. " What's love? You know, for someone like me. I have no place to back into. Love is the flimsy bridge. Once I step out towards it, it collapses. I fall. And I cannot come up again. Love is shattered. If it's rebuilt, I cannot cross it again. It's that simple. So tell me, what's love?"  
  
Eriol was silent.  
" You see," I continued. " I don't remember what's love."

  
  
That night I threw up blood. I had gotten into the house. Yukito was cooking dinner. I ate dinner. I don't eat lunch, I don't eat breakfast, but I had to eat dinner, since Yukito's watching.  
  
And then I decided, perhaps he really isn't.

So I threw up, went down stairs after wiping my mouth and flushing the toilet. The blood tasted of acid. Stomach acid.

I went downstairs. The dinner was ready. Yukito was sitting there, already eating.

I sat down next to him, but I didn't pick up my chopsticks.

Yukito went on eating.

That was it. I could not stay there anymore. I thought about joining Sakura. I thought about wasting away. For a moment, the pain returned. I quickly repressed it. What's the use?

I sneaked away from the chair, without turning back. I ran up the stairs as silently as I could. I didn't know that Yukito had noticed me, despite the fact that he continued eating. I didn't know that he had peaked out of the corner of his eye and realized I did not touch my food. I didn't know that he had looked up as I left and pondered on what to do.

I looked about and took a framed picture. I dumped it into a bag. Some clothes. The picture of Meiling. A picture of...Sakura. I opened the drawers and found several keys. Keys to my apartment. The bed is still there. The Li clan had bought it, and still paid the taxes. I could return there, blow the dust off everything. Yukito doesn't know where I live. I never told him. Or I hoped.

I leaped out the window. I jumped off the house, with the lights gone, as if I went to bed. And I ran, quickly. I ran and ran, towards the building, the only remaining thing left that reminds me of what Japan had once been. Of what it would have been. Of what I would have been. 


	22. Chapter 21-Syaoran

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 21-Syaoran

The apartment looked pretty much the same. Except for the thick layer of dust on the tables and on the chairs, the floor, it was how I had left it. I did not take a lot of things with me, so many still remained. The building had a guard, so no one was able to steal. I was on the fifth floor, anyway.  
  
I took out a card. Then I thought, well, they'll realize I used magic. So I cleaned the floor by hand. I cleaned aimlessly. I wiped the dust off the tables, the sofa, and I shook it off the bed. I took out the frames of Sakura and put it on the table, then took it and put it in the drawer. Then I changed, took a shower and changed, then climped under the covers of my bed and stared at the ceiling. It had been such a short time ago, yet it seemed so long.

I rolled over, and I realized that this is the only place no one can find me. I could do anything I want. And so the first thing I did was cry. I weeped for my mother, who had taken care of me for so long and I never appreciated her enough for it. I weeped for my sisters, who had teased me and made the rainy days bright. I weeped for Meiling, who showed me how to care about someone. I weeped for Sakura, who had showed me what other people see. I weeped for a father I never had, the shadow that no longer is. I never felt so hopeless, so tired, so despondent. I never felt so hated. I never felt such despair.

I don't know how I fell asleep, but I did some time later. I stayed sleeping for four days, never waking. The disease was taking its toll.

Eriol had worried about the minor symptoms of a deadly disease. I had one very similar to it. The pain weaved through me in my dreams. I heard blood dripping in the realm of the dead. My own blood. Drip drip drip...

I woke to the sound of ringing. The phone. I picked it up drowsily.  
" Moshi moshi?" My voice sounded strangely weak.  
" Aiiya, Li Jingxi! Why didn't you tell them in the first place, you idiot! But even so, I expect you're not taking your broth, as bitter as that may be. You naughty! How are you feeling?"

It was Xuyan.

" Xuyan?"  
" Yes, don't tell me you don't recognize my voice anymore."  
" No, it's not that." I switched to Cantonese. " How did you-wait, why did you dial this number?"  
" It doesn't take a genius to find out where you are, if you're not at Yukito's. I know you even more than Meiling does, as much as she'll hate it. And your phone number wasn't that hard to find either. Are you alright? You sound very tired. Did Yue treat you badly? I told you you should have told him, god sakes, when Sakura got hit by that car, your aura _froze_ there-I knew, thanks to that wonderful lasin board you forgot to take with you. Your aura froze. No wonder you couldn't move. It's a pity. I think it's the illness, don't you? You know, I just read in a book that someone like you could bring the dead to life-if you die and trade it, but I suggest you don't because, after all, you still have some friends back here. Hey, by the way, if you can't stand it in Japan ( And what a sucky place it is with all the ' Konnichiwa's and everything and with the ' hai's and ' baka's) you can always come back, you know. I just got a new cello! Isn't that great? By the way, did you take your cello with you?"

It was an awful lot of questions and statements from Xuyan and I couldn't answer them all, because I couldn't remember. So I answered the last one.  
" No, I didn't take the cello."  
" You know, you should get a full sized one. I mean, I'm tall, but you're average enough. So, you know what I mean? And besides, a full sized cello sounds deeper the good ones, that is. Do you still play it these days?"  
" Not really."  
" It's a shame, with your talent. You still sound so tired. Have you been sleeping well?"  
" What's today?"  
" Today? Today's Tuesday."  
" Oh...well, I can't exactly say I haven't slept well."  
" Oh. How long?"  
" Four days at least."  
There was an awkward silence.

" Syaoran," Xuyan began. " You sound so flat. Did Yue treat you badly?"  
" Not really."  
" Liar. What about the others?"  
" Not really. Why?"  
" You fat liar! I know you better than that? Tell me what they did to you."  
" Why do you care?"  
" Because you're my cousin, you idiot. So tell me what happened."

I paused, and then I slowly began it all, how I saw the white van, how I froze completely and watched Sakura collied with the car. How I had stood there until I ran far away from the glares of them all, and was afraid to go to Yukito's home. How I threw away all the broth, the disdainful candies. How I turned away from all the cold stares.

All this. Without emotion.

" Heaven forbid," Xuyan muttered. " This is quite a problem. You're not yourself Syaoran. Are you alright? Do you want to come home?"

And then all of the sudden, I did want to go home. To Hong Kong, a place where I could back into. Because Xuyan was there. Xuyan, who had hated and loathed me, envied me, was there with his arms wide open.

" I..." I began, and then I stopped.

_Are you sure?_ Asked a voice, the voice of the dead. _Do you want to go back to the life you had, separate and alone?_  
" But I'm alone here..." I whispered.  
" What?" Xuyan called. " Syaoran, are you alright?"  
" I-I-I c-can't!" I bursted out, and then I started crying for no reason. Not because of sorrow, definetely.  
" Syaoran? Syaoran?!" I heard Xuyan cry, as I quickly hung up. Voices swirled in my head.

_You are not one of them. You belong here, alone, solitary...  
Do not despair, do not be afraid...  
The Living world is not as harsh as you think..._

  
  
It was several hours after when I began to feel nauseous, and I remembering thinking, _Gee, I should have another broth._ No broth around, bitter or sweet. I stumbled into my room.

There was another phone ring and I decided to pick it up.  
" Moshi moshi?"  
" Syaoran-kun," It was Eriol. " You sound very bad. Are you alright?"  
" How did you know I'm here?"  
" I just got nauseous and I followed it."  
  
My brain didn't function for a minute.

" Oh. So you followed my aura."  
" It's getting darker lately, Syaoran. Are you alright? Do you want me to come over?"  
" Iie, it's okay."  
" You know, Yue's worried sick about you."

I hesitated. " Oh. Did you tell him where I am?"  
' I just found out. Never had a chance to. Do you want me to tell him?"  
" Iie. I don't want him here."  
" Why not? He's your father."  
" He's not my father."

There was a silence.

" You ought to forgive him, Syaoran. He's heartbroken because of Sakura."  
" Because of her? Oh. I didn't know that." It was a cold sarcasm.

Eriol seemed to pick up on something. " Did he hurt you badly, Syaoran?"  
I remained silent. Eriol heard the answer.  
" He's very sorry, Syaoran."  
" Don't tell me that." I answered. " I don't think I'd care right now, sorry or not. I'm not staying here for long."  
" Nani? Syaoran, what are you talking about?' There was a slight hint of panic in his voice.

He was probably thinking that I wanted to be dead, but that was no option now.  
" I'm probably going home." I said. " My real home. It's better than being hated, isn't it?"  
" But you're not hated Syaoran."  
I hesitated. " Really? You really think that, Eriol?"  
" Syaoran-" I hung up.

  
  
I did not know why I ran out of the building. I knew the risks. But I did. All of the sudden, I couldn't stand it anymore. It was late at night, the moon was bright and glowing. The stars were pale. I ran down the street, and then oof, crashed into someone. The force was so strong I fell over backwards, and then pain, severe pain in my stomach. I doubled over.

" Jingxi?"  
  
It's him! _It's him!!_ And I looked up, still clutching my stomach. Yukito bent down and held me tightly.  
" Oh my god Jingxi! Jingxi, you're still here, are you alright?" He looked at me. I stared at him, my words caught in my throat. I was captured.  
" You're so pale," How could he tell at night? I continue to stare at him. I wanted to say, ' Go away! Leave me alone!' but the words don't come out.

_Ask for him, Jingxi._ The voice of the dead said. _Tell him what you did to all the herbs. Tell him what happened at the accident._

" I..." I began, and I couldn't continue for a moment. Then I started choking and sobbing. " I wanted to help her!" I cried out, and I started to tremble, tremble and tremble. " I'm sorry! I tried I honestly did,"  
He silenced me and hugged me close. " I know. I know. Xuyan told me."  
Xuyan, that bastard.

He slid his arm under my legs and lifted me. I gave a yelp, and I realized that blood was coming from my mouth. Yukito started running, trying to keep me quiet, and I honestly did try to keep quiet. 

This time he offered me the broth and it wasn't full of disdain. The broth nearly tasted sweet. He gave me a chocolate and I ate it hungrily. I was so hungry. I was so tired. He gave me things to eat, and when he put me to bed he stayed with me for the rest of that night.

It felt so good to feel wanted and not ignored, to feel acknowledged, to feel loved. It felt even better to be human again. No wonder the Dead won't allow me to part from this world. It has so many things...


	23. Chapter 22-Tomoyo

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 22-Tomoyo

I saw Syaoran a few days after Yukito found him. He looked like a ghost. He was skinny and pale, with his eyes lowered, his lashes-how long they were, covering his eyes. He took every chance to hide behind Yue. Every chance. But Yue didn't let him.

" Stand still, don't fidget." I heard him whisper.   
" Did Eriol find anything?" I asked.  
" Aiya!" Someone yelled. That, of course, was Eriol.  
" What's wrong?" I asked, seeing that Eriol was not in the room but in another.  
Yue suddenly held his head with both hands. Eriol appeared, looking very frustrated.  
" I found out what the heck happened." He muttered. " The reason why Syaoran's alive at all, is because Sakura already took his place. So that leaves Yue with choices-to kill Syaoran so Sakura could come back, or save Syaoran so Sakura could stay dead."  
" Amazing." Syaoran muttered. " Xuyan mentioned that when he called."  
" He called?" I asked.  
" Hai." Syaoran said solemnly. Then he looked at Yue. " Are you okay?" He asked.  
" Daijoubu?"  
" Hai, I'm alright." Yue nodded, withdrawing his hands. He drew Syaoran to him.  
" I guess it can wait." Eriol said slowly, watching Yue carefully. " You heard the voices, no doubt."  
" What voices?" I asked.  
They ignored me. " Come on Yue. You looked stressed out, especially after the five days of looking for Jingxi."  
Yue just clutched his son tighter with his eyes closed.  
Eriol, having raised his hand out to Yue, lowered it, and waited for a bit.  
" Yue-san," He began quietly. " Syaoran is here. You needn't worry. We'll ask Touya to watch over him."  
" Touya-?" Yue choked out. He stared at Eriol blankly. " Not Touya." He said quietly. " Touya will not. He's closest."  
For the first time I remembered looking at him and I started. He looked so worn, so tired, so frightened, like a child, yet like a father. I'll never forget that image.  
" Eriol and I will look after him." I offered. " You go get some rest."  
Yue hesitated, then slowly let go of Syaoran. Syaoran looked up at him. For a moment, Father and son stared at each other. Then Yue turned, and there was a blind light...

  
  
The wind whispered eerily and Syaoran bent over and held his head.  
" Daijoubu?" I asked.  
" Hai." Syaoran nodded.  
I sighed. " You clutched your head. What's wrong?"  
" Headache." He mumbled. Then he lifted his head and gasped.  
" Sakura!"  
" Nani?" I cried, looking forward. There's no one there.  
" Sakura, matte!" He cried, running forward. Eriol-kun grabbed him and hung on.  
" Curse the years!" He squeezed tightly. " The symptoms. He's seeing things." He suddenly threw his weight onto Syaoran and both boys fell to the floor.  
" Syaoran! Jingxi!" Eriol turned him over and pinned him. " Jingxi, listen to me. She's not real. She's not here..." Eriol fell silent as Syaoran began to cry. He cried so much now, and pink blood poured out of his mouth.  
" Tomoyo-chan." Eriol called me. " Napkin! Or towel! Whatever!"  
It took me a while to react.

  
  
" Promise you'll keep quiet." Eriol had his hand over Syaoran's mouth. " Do you want to wake Yukito?"  
Syaoran reluctantly sighed, and Eriol cautiously withdrew his hand. He helped Jingxi sit up.  
" ' At a boy." Eriol murmured, tipping Syaoran's head over between his legs. He held him like that for a while.  
" Feel better?" He asked. Syaoran nodded.  
" Light fever." Eriol muttered.  
" What was that about?" I asked.  
" It appears he saw Sakura." Eriol muttered to me quietly. " It's not real. I didn't sense her aura. He is seeing things. I wonder how long he had been throwing the herbal medicine out. It's not good for him."  
  
I gulped. I guess that was obvious.

  
  
  
For once we get to go out without much trouble. No need for cards, no aces, no kings, no jacks. We are the two jokers, Eriol and I, and we don't need the rest of the deck ( supposedly).  
  
Eriol was showing me the three envelopes he had sent out to the sorcerors. I was reading the poor grammared Japanese but good grammared Chinese.

" Each one agreed." Eriol muttered. " But they had never been asked before."  
" That does not make sense." I remember saying.  
" It does." Eriol replied, to my surprise. " Yelan knows who they are. But she never had communications with them."  
" Is she some sort of leader?" I asked as I handed the envelopes back.  
" Actually, iie." Eriol stared at the letters for a minute. " She is actually the more powerful of the Lis, because she's the descendant of Clow. But that does not mean she is actually the leader."  
I was silent for a minute. " Wouldn't that make Syaoran really powerful? I mean, he's the descendant of Clow, and he's the son of Yue."  
" They're arriving next week." Eriol muttered. " Actually, that does not really relate to Syaoran's abilities, Tomoyo-chan. To tell you the truth, your magic does not depend on who's your ancestor. It actually depends on what soul you carry. Neither Nadeshiko nor Fujitaka Kinomoto had any magic when Touya or Sakura was born, yet both Touya and Sakura had magic. It had nothing to do with Fujitaka being half of Clow Reed, because Fujitaka had nothing to lend to them. It all really depends on who Syaoran is."  
" Do you think the sorcerors are powerful enough to help him?"  
" Doesn't take power, Tomoyo." Eriol answered. " So far. It takes a lot of intelligence. Power won't help on this one. Come, I'm going to the library, which I hope is still open. By the way, Xuyan's coming."  
" Nani?" I cried, but Eriol wouldn't speak of it, even when we reached the library.

  
  
If Xuyan had been jealous of Syaoran, then he's no longer bothering, considering that Syaoran suddenly became quiet and contained. The poor cousin of his tried his best to bring out the " real" Jingxi, but it didn't come out.

Plus the fact that he met someone who is as healthy as he is that he could never _never_ beat. Eriol Hiriingaziwa, Reincarnation of Clow Reed, Master of Wisdom and Magic and a genius at the piano. I seriously don't know what's wrong with Xuyan, he seems to be competing against everyone he meets. But at least he left Syaoran alone, so that's a start.

We were very anxious about Syaoran's health. I guess we all got over the shock of Sakura's death, however soon it might have been, because we were in grave danger of losing another. Syaoran was never quite the same after we had all dumped our heads in our own sorrows and blamed everything on him. The hard won trust had suddenly shattered. Syaoran was cautious and alert of everyone, even Yue. That boy would not let anything or anyone hurt him again.

Eriol had nodded when I told him of my worries. In any case, Syaoran was once in love with my Sakura-chan, and I have only him to treat like her. " It will take some time," He said to me. And unfortunately he is right. But we don't have that much time.

The sorcerors, Junxiu, Guofeng, and Zishi, arrived several days before the date in their letter. Eriol seemed relieved for some reason, and I never noticed that he was anxious. He went and talked with the three of them in Japanese, and he came out really happy.  
" Syaoran is our little precious, as the Gollum had said! The boy can bring things back to life! How come I never knew that?"  
" What are you talking about?" I asked.  
But Eriol was so happy he was acting like a five year old.  
" That baka! He doesn't even know it himself? No wonder the dead favor him! And Sakura! Sakura can come back, once Jingxi figures out how...but in any case, this is a bundle of news, no mistake! I'll have to digest this a while. You go look after him, Tomoyo-chan. I am going to the books."

I always forget he's eleven years old, with that brain of his. But unfortunately he is, so I say for him, SO THERE!!

  
  
Obviously, Sakura didn't come back anytime soon, because Syaoran had no idea what any of the sorcerors were talking about. I would be just as confused as he. And since he was suddenly so mistrustful, he always sought protection from Yue, who did his best to protect and to reassure him, which turned out to be quite difficult. Syaoran obviously didn't like the newcomers, as much as they were fond of him.

I remember thinking, _Syaoran's worse then when we first met him._

I still think that way about that time even now. 


	24. Chapter 23-Kero

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 23-Kero

Talk about being messed up! The kid went from gakilike to emotional to perfectly cold. My head still spins when I think about who he _really_ is like. I mean, that kid...

But still, things happen very fast these days, too fast for the poor guy. First he hears his dad is Yue, and then his family dies, leaving him sort of like an orphan, and then Sakura, and then he hears that he could bring her back to life again. It's enough to confuse anyone, even Clow Reed-

Well, not Clow Reed, hehehe.

So basically things were going pretty fast, I daresay. ( Gee, thanks a lot Touya.) The kid is pretty much contained, except when around Xuyan, surprisingly. I don't know what to think of the other kid, I mean, first he appears to be Syaoran's rival, and now he is starting to act sympathetic. ( For once.)

I guess it's something about the cousin cousin thing.

  
  
So I didn't know what the heck the sorcerors were doing to him, I mean, healing shouldn't take _that_ long. Then again, what do I know? I never healed before. I may be a guardian, but I'm no shaman. 

Syaoran became very pale and very much mute. It was like he was put into silence. Only Xuyan could talk to him, but the other kid wouldn't tell us what Syaoran told him.

So we're pretty much out of the news. It was very strange, because we were supposed to be in this together, and here they were, forcing all of us out. I didn't like it. Neither did Spinel.

So, he being a cat and I being a stuffed bear, decided to spy. As Tomoyo would say, _bad_ idea. Eriol was with them as they gave Syaoran a type of medicine that looked like paint. Then Syaoran began to buck and writhe, and there was a heartbreaking moan from the boy. Then his skin became ash white, his eyes dulled and glazed over, and then we saw a sorceror cutting open his arm as the blood spilled into a bowl.

" Blood is clotting." Said one after a while, I think he's Junxiu. Syaoran struggled deliriously and then fell limp.

The three sorcerors took the blood and to my disgust, actually touched it. Pink is not pretty.  
" I'm not sure what the pink blood means for someone like him." Eriol admitted. " It could mean he's anemic, but that wouldn't make sense. And the real person's blood is actually blue, until it meets oxygen."  
" It's the same here. His blood turns pink once it meets oxygen. Otherwise, it's blue, but lighter." Another, Guofang, I think was examining his veins.

The first one suddenly lighted a fire in the middle of the floor, startling everyone, not including Syaoran. He threw some drops of blood and the fire became _green?_  
" Poor child." Said the first one.  
" So his blood is made of magic."  
" Partly. Or the fire will become his blood."  
Eriol wrinkled his nose. " Do you think this is what affected his health?"  
" Partly." Answered the third. " But not all. It isn't just his blood that is making him weak."  
" Iie, not just his blood, his magic. Is there anything else, then?"  
" His heart is torn."  
" Ah." Eriol nodded. " But that does not affect his...cure, does it?"  
" Iie, it doesn't." Said the second. " But it does play a major role. And right now the Card Mistress is taking advantage of him being halfway in death."  
" Advantage?" Eriol cocked an eyebrow.  
" His fate links with hers." The second sorceror said after some hesitation. " As much as they both deny it, they cannot part. The Card Mistress is trying her best to come back. He is trying his best to bring her."

The third sorceror began to open a hole in Syaoran's head. It was so disgusting I nearly threw up right then and there. Eriol gagged a little and bit his lip in response.

We decided to go. No wonder Syaoran had remained silent. Eriol came out pale and as mute as the other kid. None of us spoke about that night.

It turned out that they were actually pouring some kind of potion into Syaoran's head. It will fight off and prevent any ' battles' between the two forces, but still, it was _gross._

  
  
I went into Syaoran's room one night. He jumped off his bed and quickly hid something under his mattress with one slip of a hand.  
" Ano, konbonwa?" I blinked.  
" Konbonwa?" Syaoran tilted his head. " What do you want here?"  
" Nothing." I sat down by his nightstand. " Why don't you lay down for a bit, Syaoran? You look tired."  
" It's just what I was afraid of." Syaoran muttered as he sat down, but he didn't lie.   
" I heard that you are linked with Sakura's soul for some reason." I began.  
Syaoran flinched. " Hai. What about it?"  
" Do you intend to do anything about it?" I asked.  
" What can I do." Syaoran lied down, finally. " I don't know anything."  
" Perhaps your love for her would be enough."  
" I don't love her!" Syaoran suddenly yelled, sitting up with a jerk. " For heaven's sake let that thing drop! How many times do I have to tell you this?"  
" Alright, alright," I was nervous. " Okay. I don't mean to make you mad, I'm just suggesting-"  
" Well that's a lousy suggestion." Syaoran lied back down and turned away from me.

For a while I remained there, and then, thinking if I said anymore I would anger him even more, I made to leave.   
" I'm sorry." He suddenly sobbed. I stopped.  
" I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." And he began crying and curled into a ball. I floated over and patted his head with my paw.  
" I wanted to help her!" Syaoran choked. " I wanted to help her, and for a time I just thought she was...like a gift, you know. And then for some time I just thought she was just a worthless piece of garbage. I don't know why. I wanted to kill her, dammit! I wanted to kill her. It's not fair!"

At first I had no idea what he was talking about. But gradually I began to understand. Something made Syaoran hate Sakura, yet something else made him love her, and this fed to his hate. His hate never drove him to actually kill her, but it did drive him a little crazy, so that he became immobile the day of the accident. It was the same thing for everyone he met, Xuyan, Tomoyo, Eriol, but for Sakura the contradicting feelings were stronger, because he really did love her.

That hate was what made him indifferent, what made him seem so cold. That hate washed away all his feelings for her, not to the point of vanishment, but to the point where he could no longer reach it on his own.

And I know there were traces left. Because before I came in he was holding a piece of paper. That paper, under the mattress, turned out to be a photograph of Sakura.

  
  
  
I didn't think Yue knew what the sorcerors were doing each night. I had no idea either, even though I saw it for myself. I didn't tell him anything of it, and he never saw it for himself.

And I pretty much trust Eriol's judgement, who seemed to know what they were doing, even though from time to time he would grimace and feel the back of his own head.

And hopefully when Syaoran's healed he could bring Sakura back again. 


	25. Chapter 24-Spinel

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 24-Spinel

Xuyan was oblivious to it all, though he did sense a feeling of anxiety around Syaoran, but nevertheless he and the other kid went on killing flies. I never took karate, partly because I can't do it anyway, but truly, I don't think karate includes catching flies-I mean, why would you want to catch them for training, especially with chopsticks? The two boys were decent enough to clean theirs after killing about ten flies each, before eating. It was _gross._ Then came a time when Syaoran and Xuyan was in the yard, and thunk! Syaoran took a knife and hit it against the trunk of a tree. It turned out he was using that knife to kill another fly. And I was thinking, _why are they so interested in those little critters?_ Of course, it was a good thing the knife only cut into the tree and not in the house, otherwise they'll get a lot of scolding.

So it turned out that the boys are still competing, but no longer in a hostile way, but more of play. They're both good at catching flies, there's one time when Xuyan threw a dart at Syaoran and the kid caught it between two fingers. Yukito was really upset. It was pretty dangerous.

There was also one time when I was with Syaoran, and then Xuyan suddenly blurted out,  
" If Yue's your dad, do I have to call him ' uncle'?"

We hesitated. How come no one else thought of that?  
" What a big family." I muttered.  
" I am _so_ not calling him uncle." Xuyan protested.  
  
Jingxi shrugged. " Whatever. I don't think Yue would be comfortable with that. He already had to put up with me calling him Daddy."  
" You call him ' Daddy'?"  
" Nooo, I call him otou-san, well, not usually, anyway."  
" Huo jiahuo, now you're more or less related to Kero."  
" Hey!"

" Huo jiahuo", by the way, is actually Xuyan's version of " Hoe", although it didn't mean " Ah!" or " Huh?", because it more meant of " My god!"

" One big family." I muttered again. " And all because of Clow Reed, can you believe it!"  
" Hai!" Syaoran threatened a kick, though it didn't come. " Lousy cat." Xuyan laughed. The child picked me up and he and Jingxi went on throwing knives at flies.

  
  
The throwing of knives, the catching with chopsticks, actually turned out to be useful, because like all things are, there are no coincidences. Fate has it her way most of the time, ( since Syaoran escaped her) so it turned out that the throwing of knives went from hitting flies to hitting arms, and the chopsticks went from snatching wings of insects and birds to pinching noses.

It started when a huge aura appeared in Tomoeda. It wasn't one person, it was many. The auras were intense, and very dark, _not_ black, because you don't _see_ it, as many people think. By this time, Syaoran had a nice pink color to his cheeks, although he was still like Snow White. It turned out the sorcerors were up to something ( good) after all. I think he grew an inch taller over the days ( which was about...two weeks, I think) and he had a little more endurance.

He still has to take the draught though.

  
  
So the aura appeared somewhere around August, in the middle, as was appropriate. Syaoran and Xuyan were outside in the night with me and Kero, at the park, since that was a public place. Small patches of aura headed over, and Kero and I warned the two boys.

They waved it off as if it were a joke. We thought, not a good idea at all! But the two boys began to be tense. Even as they chatted merrily. Both had a pair of chopsticks ( although the knife didn't come in yet) and they were catching night moths ( Kero and I got a little use to that already) while sitting on the bench.

The mages turned out to be monks, monks from somewhere I'm not familiar with. They look Chinese and they look Korean, although not really, well, not Japanese, nor Vietnamese, nor any of that sort. So to say simply, they were monks, dressed, not in white, but in black. They got into a fighting stance, there were about six of them.  
" This is not good." Kero muttered.  
" What the heck do they want with us?" Syaoran asked, completely at ease, almost dismissing the monks as if they were children.  
" I don't know." Xuyan smiled. They went on catching flies.  
" Hiiya!" Cried a monk, as he leaped to the air, his foot aiming for Syaoran's head.

Syaoran simply dodged sideways, and the monk missed him by a mile. Xuyan got up.  
" Okay, they're really _bugging_ me."

I was watching Syaoran. He seemed quite strong, although I knew he still wears down quickly. With one swift motion he got into a fighting stance. One monk challenged him.

Not that I'm saying monks are bad, but these monks really creeped me out. With their dark magic, who knows what their up to.

Syaoran was not nervous at all, that night as I remember. At first he dodged every blow, making comments to mock the monks that surrounded him. Then he flicked his chopsticks at one's head, elbowed another, flipped, stood on his head and spun his feet out, kicking all three that were with him. Then he jumped from his head to his feet, pinched one's nose ( as I had mentioned) with the chopsticks, leaped into the air and kicked two at once, landed, hit one's forehead with the chopsticks, and pinched another's nose, this time not letting to. The monk squealed. The other two monks went for him, and Syaoran let go, ducked, and the two fists collide with the poor man's jaw.

It was truly pathetic to see adults defeated by a pair of eleven year olds.

" Aiiya, you should practice more!" Syaoran mocked playfully as he dodged another blow. He spun a sidekick, flicked his wrist up and flicked his arm upwards, hitting the guy's chin. He did a high kick, and then punched forward, jumped and landed on a branch of a tree.  
" Yoga!" he called, " And Taichi! Hey Xuyan, don't they work for this one?"  
" I think they're more for karate!" Xuyan called, swinging a monk over his shoulder and onto the ground.  
" Bakas!" Syaoran laughed as he jumped onto one.

And Kero and I were standing like idiots. But the boys seemed to handle it pretty well.

And then Syaoran began to tire out.

One monk managed to grab him by the waist. Syaoran did a cartwheel and he followed.  
" Xuyan!" He called for help.  
" Syaoran!" Xuyan turned. He kicked aside a monk, but by now four monks were surrounding Syaoran and the boy was tiring quickly. Kero blew a fireball at one of the monks and that was when they first recognized us. That was when they decided to back off. Very smart.

Syaoran collapsed, panting to the ground, and we received a harsh reminder that Syaoran still was not cured.  


  
I told Eriol about these monks. His reaction did not surprise me.  
" I knew all along."   
" Are they a threat?" I asked.

You see, with someone like Eriol, you can always expect him to know such things. ( Except for Syaoran, he's different.) So the questions no longer become " How did you know" or " When did you know", but " What are they" or like the question I just mentioned. So " I knew all along" no longer was new to me. In fact, the real new ones are " Really?" or " I can't believe that!" or " Nani?"

" Of course they are a threat." Eriol answered simply. " They're not just monks. They are immortals, believe it or not, although they're not the most desirable."

He was not smiling, in fact, he looked concerned. " I'm not sure how we can get rid of them." He said. " In Clow Reed's time, they were simply a nuisance, but now they have grown stronger, and I have grown weaker. Sakura's the only one who could defeat them." He said this mournfully. " I guess I still hope Syaoran could bring her back, but then it wouldn't be fair for him if he has to sacrifice himself. First of all, he's not really ready to leave yet, believe it or not. Second, Yue's becoming very protective. The odds are simply against us."  
" Oh gee, you don't seem worried." I muttered. I was sounding more and more like Kero, to my disgust.  
" I'm worried." Eriol admitted after some hesitation. " But they're not a threat to _us_, unless we protect Syaoran. I've known for a long time that some people have their eyes on the half mortal. There was an ancient legend that to eat the flesh and drink the blood of a half mortal will give anyone who feeds the power to return to life whenever they die, even if they eat it only once, and it can give a mortal immortality."  
" That is just simply sick." I groaned. " So you're telling me that those monks want to _eat_ Syaoran?"  
" Iie, I'm only suggesting a possibility. There are a lot of things that half mortals are good for, however rare they are. Some people say that they have even more power than immortals, because they store both mortal and immortal magic, if the mortal is a sorceror or sorceress. I highly doubt that, though, because even if it's true, if every half mortal is like Syaoran, then they won't be able to _use_ it."  
" That sounds reasonable enough." I muttered. " _And_?"  
" Well, the rest is all common, you know what they ask of stones and artifacts, except for one really nasty and sick one-some people say that half mortals are really...beautiful, I should say, in a manner that satisfies...a mortal's lustful needs."  
" Alright. You don't have to say it again. I think I get it. You mean that they get half mortals, as rare as they are, to share a bed with."  
" Hai...although I don't think that's what the monks want Syaoran for-they're monks, after all."  
" Do you have any idea how sickening that is?"  
" Hai, I do know. Don't press any more questions, Spinel. You know how I am to such things."  
" And I also know of some Roman Catholic priests and what they do to children."  
" They're monks, Spinel, and close enough to Asian, and you know that Asian monks starve themselves to death to worship Buddha."  
" Not really, sooner or later they'll lift the standards. After all, in the beginning the kung fu monks weren't even allowed to drink wine."  
" That's true, but do you honestly think that an eleven year old can provide such satisfaction for those needs?"  
" Syaoran can, if he reached puberty."  
" Thank you very much. That is one reassuring thought." Eriol looked extremely uncomfortable, as appropriate.

" He can't have reached puberty, Spinel, if he still looks so feminine, for one thing, as bad as that may sound in which in this case it might prove to be...fairly to our advantage, plus the fact that he looks like one who suffers from malnutrition. He doesn't even have enough food to digest everything. What makes you think he can process hormones?"

Good point.

" So the third possibility, thankfully, is not the likely one." I admitted, relieved. " And the second, is not...so wait, they're going to eat him?"  
" They're monks..."  
" They're immortal, Eriol-sama. Who do they have to worship? Mortals?"  
" I know." Eriol looked very uncomfortable. He, appropriately, had been trying to deny the fact, but of course, me, being so nice and plus, in a form of a cat, didn't allow him to comfort himself.

And just then, ring ring, our everyday technology signaled a message, and I think this is where Eriol should take over. 


	26. Chapter 25-Eriol

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 25-Eriol

" Eriol-san, this is Xuyan." And his voice sounded strangely quiet.  
" Oh, ano, hai? Is something the matter?"  
" Eriol-san, Sakura, her body, it's back. Jingxi's not sure if she's alive or not, but you know what happened to Sakura's body, as far as the news goes. It was in pieces, but here she's whole. And her aura is very still, but hers."  
" Sakura?" I paused for a minute. No wonder I didn't sense her. Her aura has frozen.  
" How did it happen?" I asked. If Xuyan could tell me how it all started, perhaps I could tell whether she was alive or not.  
" Jingxi muttered some words in Mandarin." Xuyan answered, slowly, as if he was reluctant to leak any information. " I'm not that good in Mandarin, that I'll tell you. But Jingxi muttered some words, something about dead being alive, and the living being dead. He seemed to have switched something, a life for a life, I suppose, because the three hundred year old tree in the neighbor's yard simply gnarled up and all its leaves turned yellow. I'm guessing the same thing happened to the tree in the park where Sakura had captured her Return Card-or rather, Syaoran captured the Return Card, I'm not clear with that story, but I think Sakura's alive. It doesn't explain why her aura's still though."  
" Iie, it doesn't." I replied slowly. " Jingxi's smarter than I thought. But trees are still a heavy price, especially if changes come that quickly. Also, plants are not enough to store magic, so that might be the case with Sakura's aura. It's the same aura as her soul, but not her magic."  
" Then hospitals should be worried." Said Jingxi in the background, who with his musician's ears had listen to our conversation. " I expect some heart attacks and strokes."  
" Nani?" I felt my heart stop at that. _A terrible price to pay._ I thought.  
" So in this case," Xuyan continued, " It might be several lives for a life. Sakura seems to have grown stronger, judging by the size and intensity of her aura. I don't think you feel it, but Jingxi does, and so do I, for whatever reason."  
" I see." I thought for a minute. " Did the dead require so much, Xuyan?"  
" Iie, it is not the dead." Replied Syaoran in the background. " It's actually how it all works. The patients in the hospitals are supposed to survive for this to work, because none of them were meant to die. The trees are also meant to live on for quite a while."  
" Then why did you do that?" I asked Syaoran in the background. " It can change the whole course of fate."  
" The dead are not controlled by fate." Syaoran answered.  
" The dead are not controlled by fate, but the living are." I replied. " We are, you are, and now, Sakura as well. What were you thinking?"  
" I was thinking that I might try to bring the Card Mistress back, Eriol." Jingxi was still in the background. " I didn't imagine causing other deaths for her life. After all, I thought she was like any other."  
" She isn't, Syaoran." Said Xuyan, not to me, but to him. " She is the Card Mistress, and a powerful one at that."  
" How did you manage to do it, Syaoran?" I asked. " I thought you didn't know how."  
" I didn't." Syaoran answered. " I guess it was a coincidence, and you can't be sure if she's really alive, or if it's her or not."  
" What is that supposed to mean?" Xuyan asked.  
" He means that it might be the wrong soul in that body, Xuyan." I answered. " Which is highly likely, or perhaps no soul at all."  
" It's her alright." Xuyan muttered. " Just very much...unconscious."

  
  
The phone rang again about three hours later.   
" I'll get it!" Spinel yelled. But the stupid part was, I was the one next to the phone.  
" Moshi moshi?" I said.  
" Eriol-kun?"  
" Sakura!" I sat up. " Are you feeling okay? No broken bones or anything?"  
" I expect a half mortal would do better than _that_." She said flatly. " Hai, I'm alright. My memories are a little woozy though."  
" That seems appropriate," I said carefully. " Where's Jingxi?"  
" Jingxi?" Sakura sounded sad. " I've never seen him so happy Eriol, honestly. It seems that Yue was right. He cooked dinner by himself, wouldn't let me help, he was suddenly so full of energy."  
" And?"  
" Got a...a seizure." Sakura finished with difficulty. " He forgot to drink his draught. Xuyan and I helped put him to bed."  
I was silent.  
" He's not well, Eriol-kun."  
" I know. Is he sleeping?"  
" Sleeping? Hai, he's sleeping, but he seems to have a lot of nightmares. Oh, Yue's home."  
" Alright, I'll leave you to deal with him." I nodded. Then I hung up.

So there it is, the final proof that there was still love hidden within all the sorrow. Syaoran, technically, went to work overload, so happy he was. I guess it wasn't enough to cure him. Yue, on the other hand, couldn't believe that Sakura was real. It took him some time to get over his shock, poor guardian.

So the monks might have been after him because he had the power to switch deaths and lives. A life for a life, a death for a death. He is a dangerous weapon.

He's also very fragile. A sword of jade.

  
  
The phone rang two hours later. By then, I was really annoyed, since I had gotten repeated phone calls during those two hours from newspaper companies, phone companies, long distance companies, and wrong numbered dialers. But it actually was Kaho, who used long distance of course.  
" Oh." I calmed down. " I thought you were AT&T Wireless."  
" No, I'm not that." Kaho laughed, speaking English, which, of course, sounded British enough not to be in America. " Actually, I have found out quite a few things."  
" Really." I sighed. " Well, thank you Kaho, for this favor."  
" You sound so tired." She observed.  
" I'm tired, I'll admit." I bit my lip. " I was tired in the morning. All these dreams, they can wear one out, and plus, I got quite a few phone calls from AT&T Wireless and the other Japanese newspaper companies."  
" Hm. Well, I found out exactly what those monks want. They actually wanted Sakura to stay dead, but Syaoran had beaten them to that. They wanted Syaoran more so for...um..."  
" What?" I asked. I was hoping it was not for bedding.  
" Dining on, I must say. I'm sorry."  
" We're all sorry. Cannibals that they are." I was very very upset and a little nervous.  
" Well, there are some other reasons. Monks are not as pure as you think, not all of them. These particular ones, well, they're soiled. Not that all monks are unclean, these are, since they are immortals."  
I was ready to yell. " So you mean that they want to..."  
" Right." Kaho sighed. " I think it's truly ridiculous and sick, why they would want to rape an eleven year old."

I'm eleven at that time, mind all of those who think just because I'm a reincarnation of someone wise and powerful and also has a share of memories. And so, with an eleven year old instinct, I was ready to gag.  
" Are you sure about that?"  
" I don't want to be, so I'm not, that's the truth." Kaho said very practically. " You better warn Syaoran."  
" I'm warning, but not Syaoran." I was ready to jump out of my skin. " And I'm also warning myself not to panic."  
" It's alright Eriol." Kaho said gently, in her motherly way. " I know it sounds quite new."  
I hesitated. " Actually, it doesn't, considering that an eleven year old girl _did _get pregnant, but that's not exactly the point. The point was, I had remembered one of those old news that take place somewhere in Africa, with all due respect to those who live there, that there was this one man who raped a woman and then boiled her in a huge pot. The only reason I'm freaking out is because I definetely don't want a fate like that. And Syaoran's my cute little descendant, and I certainly don't want _him_ to suffer anything worse than a little loss of that pink blood through a minor nosebleed caused by too much humidity."  
" Well, he's already suffering from something much worse than that." Kaho pointed out. " Even with the three magicians, I do believe that even they are baffled by the disease."  
" They are." I answered. " The most they could do is perform surgery and pour potion into his brain so the brain doesn't release the wrong messages. Oh why couldn't Yelan Li use sun magic? Like I do! It would have balanced Yue's magic out. But it's too late for that, I suppose."  
" Yes, indeed." Kaho said remorsefully. " Have the others treated him well?"  
" Yes, so far, and they will treat him better. Kinomoto Sakura has come back, with some prices."  
" Ah. Some high prices, I imagine. I did not know Li could do that."  
" I didn't know either. However, I'm not surprised." I replied. " He is familiar with the gate of the dead."  
  
There was a brief silence.  
" He's a dangerous weapon," I finally spoke, " I could not have guessed, observing how weak and timid he usually was. But he has strong abilities, however few."  
" He's halfway between the living and the dead, no wonder." Kaho was no fool. " To be mortal is to pass to death, to be immortal is to remain in life."  
" Which is why we can't let him be mortal." I turned around, looking at the window, and I grumbled that it had started to rain, one of those surprise showers. " I'm trying to find a way with the three others how to let him remain half mortal but not suffer too many symptoms. That is probable, however unlikely."  
" Yes, but also very risky." Kaho pointed out. " One mistake, and you will fail."  
" We certainly can't let him be immortal without his will." I sighed. " And Jingxi is no idiot. He knows the curses of immortality. And the dead, they're not exactly letting him choose. They're more of choosing it for him. But if he veers towards immortality they have no power to protect him."  
" Do you want me to come to Japan?"  
" No. Stay in England. Most of my books are there, and I can't let you carry them all here. You'll need your own private airplane to do that. Just stay there, I'll handle the things here."  
" Alright." Kaho sounded resigned. We hung up.

  
  
I often think back to that day, the day when Sakura came back. I had never felt so lifeless, more than that day. I remember the old Li, the Li Syaoran Li, the one that had first come to Japan, cold, arrogant, proud and glaring. And I remember the old Li, the Little Descendant Li, the one that had looked at me and frowned, sensing danger, protective, jealous, amusing. And then I thought back to that day when I remembered the new Li, the Jingxi Li, vulnerable, timid, reserved and sensitive. Had we not known the one secret that he had kept from us all these years, he would still appear, cold, arrogant, or protective and amusing, proud, jealous. Yet now that I think of it, it was the same Li, all the same, except for the one that was jealous and protective. But otherwise, it was all the same. The coldness and arrogance a means of self defense. For as dangerous as love is to others, all emotions are ten times as dangerous to Syaoran. The proudness had come from his triumph, he had lived all these years with this disease and may still live on. And the glaring?

One had never seen him glare except Touya, honestly. His brows were naturally lifted up, giving him a ferocious look, and if he had a lot of strength he might of raised them. When he really glares, then he puts a spell, hypnotizing the victim. The glare we knew was only a stare, a blank look filled with inner fire, kindled by the color of his eyes.

It was amazing, how that one secret, could turn interpretations back on itself. And I often think of that day, because in the patter of rain I thought about Jingxi, and I realized that he must have really liked the rain, because in the rain everyone's the same. Children stayed at home, did indoor chores and indoor projects. And the rain, a steady rhythm, for his bow... 


	27. Chapter 26-Sakura

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 26-Sakura

When I came back I forgot everything that has to do with the realm of the dead, as was probably proper, except for the shady realm Syaoran goes to in his dream, the gate, that is. And when I came to life I had noticed the strange dark aura that everyone else had, but I didn't find out who they were until about four days later.

One should not expect a welcome back party under such circumstances. I had came back to a darker and grayer environment. I immediately noticed the depression around me, so great that I can't even cure it.

It wasn't because of the aura, that I can tell you. It was more because of Jingxi, drawing nearer to his end with each passing day. We hung out together, he bought me flowers, blushing to no end, but even with those passing times one could never erase the feeling of death.

We sat on the bench under the stars in the empty park at night, and he watched the moon as I did. The moon was pale, glowing brightly, and I found him holding my hand. For a time I watched him, he was looking down at the ground, no longer watching the moon. And I asked, what is wrong? And he answered, _The moon is wrong._ And when I looked back up at the moon, it was no longer white, no longer pale, with a faint tint of blue. Slowly, gradually, it turned from white to yellow, to orange, to bright red. And I asked him, _what was the meaning of this?_ And he answered, _The red moon? That has no meaning._

We held hands under the stars so many times, and yet I never gave him my answer. It seemed that his cure was far more important than my own feelings. He became tender and pure, with no hatred tainting him, a beautiful soul.

Then, as quickly as it came, the dark aura vanished. On that same night, the moon was black. Jingxi and I sat down on the same bench under the same sky.  
" You mean a lot to me, Sakura." He had suddenly said. And I blinked, wondering why he had brought that up so abruptly. " As much as I always denied it, I knew it is true." He turned and smiled at me. " I guess I should have told you sooner."  
  
I didn't tell him I knew already. " I care a lot about you too." I smiled sincerely. " I guess I should have told you first."  
" A lot of things happened." He sighed.  
" Hai, a lot of things did." I replied. We sat there for a while.

" I think," He suddenly spoke, " It wouldn't be appropriate if I leave without saying goodbye."  
" Where are you going?"  
" Away. Far far away." He had a look as if he was in a trance. " Far away, into the land of nothingness." He looked at me, again in this world. " I am a dangerous weapon, as Eriol-kun had said." And I remembered at that instant how he had always hated Eriol, never calling him by his name, even less with -kun at the end. " I am very dangerous. I can give life, trade it for another, or I can simply take it away. But the monks knew." He shook his head. " The monks knew, that's why they left. They realized already."  
" What are you talking about?"

He hesitated for a long moment, as if deciding which words to use.  
" I'm going." He finally said, simply, succinctly, to the point. " I'm leaving all of you. Otou-san, Tomoyo, Eriol, Spinel, the stuffed animal, Nakuru, Touya, all of you. Forever."  
" Nani?" I nearly shrieked, but it came out as a whisper. " But...why?"  
  
He looked at me, his eyes tender. " I'm weary, Sakura-chan. I loved you and I still do. But I'm weary, I'm tired. I've done my very best and have succeeded. Eleven years is a long time, and since there is no cure for this illness, to heal is not the goal. Merely to survive long enough to know one's meaning is triumph enough, and I know it now."  
" I realized when I brought you back, Sakura." He went on. " That day I realized the truth when I brought you back. When you died I felt so alone, so alone, as if the world had turned its back on me. A long time ago, I had also felt alone, but I had felt that no one hated me, because I had nothing to do with anyone. I felt I was not part of this world, that I was an extra, another, an accident. When you died, I had felt all the hatred, the anger, the rage, and I felt terrible.'  
And then I realized, when you came back, that as long as I am in this world, this earth, I am part of the whole, just as everyone else who make up this ecosystem, this realm of life. I am an extra. I am an accident. But I am still one of many who make up the whole circle of life. The difference was,"  
  
He smiled, giving my hand a squeeze. " The difference was, I can choose my own fate." He looked into my eyes, his eyes of deep golden amber. " I can choose my own destiny, however unlikely it may be. And so, without knowing it, I had vowed to live until I know how to love, until I know what I am here for, until I find a daddy. A real daddy. And you know what? I did it. I lived until I knew how to love, even hate. I lived until I know what I am here for, simply to protect you, as everyone else had done, to guide you on your way, to see what others don't see and yet see what others do. And Otou-san, to let him know what being a father is like, to let him learn how to openly love, to find true happiness. And I lived until I found a father, a real father."  
" But I'm weary now, Sakura. I'm tired. I have no strength left. When I brought you back, I had risked my own soul. It had escaped. But my strength didn't. It flowed through my eyes and gathered to heal your body. Heal your mind. Open the gate.'  
' Sometimes," He smiled, " One must die to save many, many must die to save even more, or all must die to make way for new life, so the world can continue living. The world has showed it so many times. The dinosaurs made way for the mammals. The animals made way for the humans. One human died for many humans. Many humans died for even more, and eventually, all will die so another species can exist. But in this case, I must go. Because I choose to go." He squeezed my hand again. " Life is a heavy burden, Sakura. That's why only the strong can master it."

At that moment, It was no longer Syaoran that I saw, whom I had always recognized and subconsciously called. It was Jingxi, a good surprise, a surprise of happiness, half angel and son of a full one. He was divine. He was beautiful. He was dangerous. He was pure. As pure as white snow.

  
  
It was from that night on, when Jingxi began to weaken, began to fail. And although he became thinner and thinner until he was eventually bedridden, there was always this look in his eyes, and I knew he was not suffering.

At first it was like I was in a dream. I had just come from the dead, and I was still halfway there myself. But gradually I began to wake and I suddenly realized what was taking place and what was about to happen.

So I pondered on what to do. I knew that Syaoran was exhausted from all the fights with life and death, and he truly did want to leave. But what about us? His friends, who had been beside him to fight?

And besides, his true triumph had not been accomplished as of yet. And that would be a true triumph once it is.

So I found Yukito, who rarely came over now that he had someone else to take care of, eating dinner with us, and when Otou-san went to the kitchen I told him there was something he needed to know.

Kero heard it, hiding along the stairway. Oni-chan heard it, definetely, because he was right beside Yukito-san. And Yue heard it, because he hears everything.

And all of them grew still, and time stopped. We heard nothing of the clashing of plates, Otou-san's stove, or the sound of oil heating. The news seemed to hover in the air like ice on still water.

" He's very tired." Touya said finally in quiet tones. " Tired of fighting. It is very sudden."  
" That's why he's been getting weaker." It was Yukito who said this.

We said nothing more, and during dinner everyone was quiet. Otou-san looked around and I guess he figured something was amiss. After all, why did we go to Hong Kong and suddenly come back for no reason?

And so that night I went to bed, wondering if I had done the right thing. And perhaps I did, I'm still not sure. I guess I knew, deep in my heart, that I did not want Syaoran to leave me, and perhaps I was as shocked as they were these few days.

But Yue recovered much quicker than I did.

  
  
Author's Notes: This thing is going in a totally wrong direction. I cruised along in my car of ideas and I went straight to a dead end. Someone please tell me how to make this story a S+S story because sure, there is Yue and Syaoran, but that is _not_ supposed to be the main topic here, good god. And with all the ideas I keep on dumping in I couldn't get them out again. So someone _please please please _help me, because I know I'm not romantic but this is getting truly ridiculous. I really wanted this to be an S+S story and someone who has any idea of romance please help me? I'll um...never mind. 


	28. Chapter 27-Syaoran

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 27-Syaoran

Somehow, he convinced me. Or perhaps he gave me strength. Or perhaps it was Sakura, who had done it. Even now, I can't remember clearly, everything was fuzzy, clouded, blurred. But I know that somehow I gained courage.

Father looked panicked when he came to my room that night. He was very quiet, but he was tense, as if it took all of his strength to hold back. He asked if I was alright. I nodded, not caring much, dimly wondering why he was so scared.

I was thinking about Sakura. I remember there was a time when I couldn't stop thinking about her, but in those days, she comes and goes at my will. I love her, but there were so many obstacles. Love is a very powerful thing, but other forces, when combined, can master it. So I didn't think about her as much as I use to.

I was thinking about her because it made me feel good. It was so pleasant, remembering her eyes, her face, her soft hair, as short as it were, and her laugh, her giggle, her occasional ' hanyaann...' and ' hoe!'. I was thinking about her powers, her destiny, fulfilled. What would it be like, knowing what you'll become? And yet she doesn't really know. The cards, after all, wouldn't earn her any bachelor degree or masters degree, but at least it might give her life some meaning, and some eventfulness. And I remember thinking about the night of the judgement. It was probably the most pathetic in all of history, simply because Sakura was going to win that one anyway. I was thinking about her during the nights under the stars. Somehow, I had felt the need for love when my decision was made.

And then Father came. He sat down by my bed and took my hands in his, his eyes staring into mine. I looked back, but I couldn't stand his stare so I looked down again.

_" Syaoran,"_ He had began. _" There are many who care about you."  
_I didn't answer. I was too tired._  
" Even if it doesn't seem so."_  
Oh gee, I had thought. I didn't know that.   
_" You are young. You have a long way ahead of you. You have to take courage. You can't just give up like this..._"  
I wasn't really willing to listen to that, but Father suddenly continued on, _  
" Clow Reed was a kind man, a wonderful sorceror. He had enough magic to create immortals, and so of course he had enough to make himself immortal. Fate dealt him a deadly blow. He was not the only sorceror in the world, and many envied his knowledge and wisdom. One day, a sorceror challenged him, and he threw a mighty blast. Clow was wounded. He didn't want to fight, but he never had a chance to defend himself.'  
For a long time Clow lingered with the mortal wound in his head. That wound would have costed anything, his sight, his hearing, his mobility. Kero, Nakuru, Spinel and I had taken care of him the best we could, being his guardians and his children. The wound took a long time to heal, and Clow Reed used all of his strength to stay with us.  
Do you know how heartbreaking it was when he finally died, Syaoran? We tried our best, did all we could, only to lose him simply because he himself was no longer strong. He called to me and told me he saw what you had seen, Syaoran. The gate to the world of the dead, where all is empty, all is nothing, filled with a vast void of darkness, yet it is not darkness, because darkness is something. And then Clow Reed told me that when he came to this world, he felt the burden of life. He felt it so heavy that he couldn't move. And I realized that he was paralyzed. The wound had destroyed the part of his brain which controls movement. '  
He took my hand, and told me that he was too tired, just like you are, Syaoran. That he was too tired, too exhausted to stay. Life is beautiful, he told me, but death has its beauties also. And then with a sigh he left.'  
We felt that he betrayed us, we guardians. We don't understand what death is, because we will never encounter it naturally, but unnaturally we will, so we fear it anyway. But that is not the point, Syaoran. The point is, Clow left us despite the fact we tried to keep him alive, and it wasn't us who had given up. It was him. He left every one of us a failure, alone and forgotten, while he tended to his own needs. It wasn't his fault. He was exhausted. He was old. But you, Syaoran, you are young, you are in the prime of your life. I love you Syaoran. We all do. Don't do this to us."_

He was trembling badly, his hands clutching tightly at mine as if he was afraid if he let go I will. I looked into him and I stared right into his eyes, almost thinking that if I can master the will and strength of his eyes than I can do anything. Father seemed to get the message and we looked steadily at each other.

Instead of answering, I dug my elbows into the bed and tried to sit up. Father tried to help me, but I gently elbowed him aside. And I remember thinking, _Since when did sitting up get so hard?_ I collapsed back down for a minute, resting for a brief time. Then I tried again, like a young, newborn antelope trying to climb to its feet. I finally pushed myself up, feeling woozy, the room feels so stuffed! And I looked to the window.  
" Do you want me to open it?" Father asked, his voice sounded hopeful. I shook my head, opened my mouth to speak, but my voice was gone. I pointed to myself and then at the window. Father nodded and helped me out of bed, and I staggered to the window.

Leaning out of the opened window, I breathed the air. Clow was right, life is beautiful, fresh, clean, young, in the prime of its youth. I listened to the sound of crickets, the fresh scent of leaves on trees, who are napping. I leaned further and further, only to feel a strong arm around me pulling me back.  
" You'll fall."  
_I'm not._ I wanted to say. And I pointed out.  
" You..." Father blinked, not understanding.  
I rubbed my throat. How come I couldn't speak? I pointed out again.  
" You want to..." Father looked out, and then he twitched.  
" Fly?"  
I had wanted to feel the wind, somehow feel some life again. Father gathered me in his arms and he leaped through the window.

It was nighttime. The air was fresh and cool, the stars were bright, and there was a half moon. A light breeze lifted us gently. I will never forget that night, forget the feeling of the wind around my arms, blowing my hair back, the taste of the air on my skin, the scent, just the feeling of flying. It was different from riding on Sakura's baton, because with someone like my otou-san, it is almost the same as flying by yourself.

It was that night when there was proof I was Yue's son. Yue had flew high and let go of me, letting me fall a few yards as if diving. But the thermal was strong, and I rode it. Father flew behind me, slightly bewildered. I got nervous, and then I fell. Then I realized that I had to relax, which I did.

One bad thing about gliding: You can't always go where you want to.

  
Father and I came home some time before dawn. I guess it was that night when I decided I wanted to live again. In the realm of the dead, you won't feel the wind, you won't see the stars. You won't hear the crickets of the night, or smell the freshness of the clean, night air. There are no scents of the leaves of trees, no chance to fly like here in the living world You won't live your life. In the realm of the dead, all is empty. All is dark. All is still. All is dead. 


	29. Chapter 28-Nakuru

The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 28-Nakuru

It did _not_ make sense. Yet it did, in some ways. How could Syaoran fall sick, and then suddenly revive without anything....? Yet it all had to do with, well, I guess the strength of mind. Something about that night had given Syaoran a will to live again, some kind of mysterious strength.

Just in time for ( drumroll(-_-')) school.

The two months of summer do not last forever, as some might hope or think. September is like March, unless I got it all wrong about the lion and the lamb. The poor month started with Syaoran going to school with Xuyan, ( they were practicing a cello duet the passing week) and encountering some people who suddenly decided to act like teenagers ( hint hint ' oh, he's so cute, isn't he?') to which I guess Jingxi was glad his true name was not known to all. Since Yukito had given me an account of all that happened ( with someone like Syaoran, once he opens up he tells you everything) I am able to tell, while adding, heheh, my own points of view.

The school hours were nothing special, except that the wonderful Yamazaki had realized that Syaoran was paler than normal ( of course, snow would have something to compete with) and wondered if Syaoran had decided to bleach his skin. ( Oh gee, Syaoran wouldn't need that.) To which Syaoran, perfectly resentful, replied ' Iie!'. Now since Syaoran had wanted to ' join in', and ' act normal' ( as normal as he could be, anyway), he had decided to join the soccer team. ( Smart).

To which Eriol-sama had quickly informed everyone that Syaoran is a bit weak ( oh sure, a bit) and that they shouldn't let Syaoran join. But the problem is, with his wonderful martial arts ( gosh, I'm starting to speak/write like Touya) had enhanced Syaoran's catching skills, and believe it or not there is a reason why Syaoran did not wear glasses ( with all due respect to Eriol-sama and Yukito-san) and he made a pretty good goalie. So Eriol's words were thrown out of the hat and the team accepted him-or rather, the coach did, and then the team.

It was perfectly idiotic, because there was a soccer tournament for that team somewhere around March ( whoa, September's twin), and unfortunately Syaoran was in it. Jingxi performed very well during the practices, ( except he always had to rest for some time everytime he scored a goal, or otherwise every fifteen minutes) and he definetely won't be in the World Cup Finals ( They have them for ninety minutes, and by that time Syaoran would pass out). Of course, Eriol's friends are doing the best they could to find a cure ( sure they are) but in the meantime Syaoran had to rest during each interval, and he drank a lot of water. Eriol was not happy with his cute little descendant, but what can one do? That's Syaoran's decision, and it's probably...the best one.

  
  
So we had Syaoran joining the soccer team, with Sakura's cheerleaders, um, cheering for them. ( Hey, I'm speak English the best. I don't always say ' ano') But other than the team, we have the " Admissions Test for Junior High School", to which Fujitaka and Yukito had to spend some money to get Sakura and Syaoran into prep classes. Eriol didn't go-he didn't need to. Tomoyo went though. So they were doing algebra. I was going to college. Touya's gone already, off to the college which I was going, and plus, our dorms were right next to each other. I have absolutely no idea how Yukito manages to go to college while taking care of Syaoran, because he only comes home during weekends or on holidays. Quite frankly, Syaoran spends most of his time at Sakura's or at Eriol's, or with Xuyan, although we still don't trust that boy. So basically it became as, well, normal as it had been before the trip to Hong Kong.

I wasn't exactly planning on staying in Japan; I had gotten to Oxford, believe it or not. So basically I had returned to England to go to my school, being too old for such things so it's a breeze for me. Spinel stayed with Eriol, Kaho and I switched places, so now she's taking care of everything in Eriol's house in Japan. I knew that I gave Touya quite a few headaches, but I don't know who he prefers to stay away from-Kaho or me. Kaho, as you all know, is a very quiet, polite and mature woman. I'm just plainly hyper. So quite frankly I can understand why Touya would get a little nervous around me, and I'm not interested in him anymore, with his magic gone and all. ( Kero was wrong about this one-you always have something to replace whatever you lost, in this case, magic.) But that doesn't mean I don't get excited. With Kaho, on the other hand, she dumped Touya, they had quite a history which I don't want to explain right now.

So Touya and Kaho took turns babying Syaoran-that is, when Touya comes home, and he's always with Yukito. So the correct way to say is; Fujitaka and Kaho took turns babying Syaoran. Kinomoto-san ( and I say -san simply because you's expect me to write Japanese for a Japanese name) was by no means cold hearted, and when he looked upon Touya's orphaned ' gaki', to which we made him think his family was killed in a car accident ( which they were), he quickly took Syaoran in as another son. I guess the only problem was that we had to convince him to give Syaoran a daily draught. Because Fujitaka knows something about AIDS, so we can't really trick him into that. 

So we fooled him to thinking that Syaoran had gotten an early arthritis. ( Latin is not my favorite subject despite what you think so I don't know what kind it is-I think it's fairly recent, but I'm no MD.) If Fujitaka really knew what kind of arthritis it was, he would have realized that the best way to slow the immune system from attacking itself is by eating raisins soaked in gin(?). But Fujitaka is an archeaologist, so no matter anymore.

Alright, from the beginning of the story until now, we've been focusing almost entirely on Syaoran and his health, so now, me, being the false form of Ruby Moon ( or actually, Ruby Moon), would like to fill to whom it may concern with details on what the heck is going on with the others.

So first, being a guardian, I'll fill on the guardians. For history lesson's sake, Spinel and I are actually the two older guardians; Yue and Kerberus came after. We're not the perfect ones; creating immortals is not easy, especially if you're a mortal. Spinel and I are Clow's first creations-four is not a small number, after all, how many guardians do you need anyway? Clow is, by no means, the most powerful sorceror, and I say this because to believe he is would be a lie. Clow is probably one of the stronger ones, but he wasn't the most powerful. It takes a lot of skill to weild a lot of power, and Clow is very mortal. So he created me and Spinel, and unfortunately I guess he messed up a little on the personality part, because our personalities are part of Clow's. ( Please, Clow _does_ get hyper, although not usually.) He divided it badly, it takes a lot of skill and guts, and I ended up being super hyper, while Spinel was completely calm and contained. We weren't supposed to eat, so when we did, we couldn't stop anymore. ( Partly the reason why Syaoran calls us pigheads.) On the other hand, Spinel and I balanced each other out. I was all for fun. He was all for business. So as they say opposites attract, we were forced to stick together not by Clow but by fate. I let him loosen up, and Spinel keeps me cooled.

Which is sort of the reason why when we were separated my social life in Oxford got a little bit haywire. I am smart for an eighteen year old ( heck, what can you expect from someone who has seen the turn of so many milleniums?) but there are other smart eighteen year old freshman who wants to fit in, by studying. Spinel would have liked that place if he has a human form. At Oxford, there was intense competition. Everyone wants to get As, and in fact, everyone does. But you have so many smart people, it's hard to crawl your way to the top. And I ended up somewhere in the middle, a little towards the bottom simply because I got a ninety five on one of the tests. ( It was an accident; I had a migraine, but do you seriously think the professors would care?) So with all that competition, none of the students even _think_ about going to a disco, or a dance, or going out on dates. They're all in their dorms doing homework and studying. So with me along, all hyper, energetic, very enthusiastic, the only good thing about me, it would be pretty hard to accept me in that group. So I wasn't very happy.

Spinel and Kero have some kind of problem with each other whenever it comes to meals. I guess neither of them will admit the other eats more, because they can go on eating forever and ever if there is food available. I am capable of getting a stomachache. They aren't. Without me there, I guess Eriol got quite some headaches. So did Kaho. Because cats usually do what they want to do, when they want to do it, and no one else has any say. Spinel became a hairball that's out of control. But at the same time, between meals, Spinel was quiet and silent. He and Kero took turns guarding Jingxi without the poor child knowing it, and also keeping an eye on Xuyan, who ( I later found out) played two instruments: the cello and the violin. So Spinel had enough of the violin; he once wanted to smash that thing into some little corpse. If the thing had costed over ten thousand dollars ( which it didn't, because it was a three quarter sized violin anyway), Xuyan would have been able to do something like sue Eriol. But that thing was under ten thousand dollars. So it's just ' tough luck' for poor Li Xuyan. Of course, Syaoran was not very happy either.

Yukito and Touya happened to be doing much better in their college than I was. Yukito wanted to be a doctor. Touya wanted to be a lawyer. We once joked that those two can work together so whenever Touya needs to refer a doctor, Yukito will be the first on the list, and then whenever Yukito gets sued for careless accidents Touya could go into court. They went to different schools in the same university, although they share a dorm. You'd think they were brothers or twins. Touya really misses his imotou's stomps. Yukito was always looking forward for vacation. And not for the reason most people would think. And trust one's luck, those two had a dorm right beside another which had two musicians. One was a classical musician, who plays the piano and also sings opera. The other was a jazz trumpetist.You can imagine how they get along. The university has a music school, or actually, performing arts school, so jazz was included. But the musicians both had irritable tempers, not because it's their character, but because the singer thinks jazz is too simple and the trumpetist thinks classics are too boring. The singer knows how to sight read and sight sing, so she was able to practice in her dorm. The trumpetist has his own trumpet and has perfect pitch, plus a tuning fork to make it precise, so the singer sings and the trumpetist trumpets. Yukito and Touya don't mind music, but jazz and classics don't go together, especially not at the same time. Of course, it was always interrupted with arguing, shoutings, ' you sing too loud!' or ' you blast your trumpet like an elephant!'. I think those two don't respect each other at all.

Speaking of musicians, during all of September and most of October, Eriol's piano suddenly broke down. It was a grand, plus a Steinway, directly imported from Germany ( it was much better than the Steinways at New York, in my opinion, and I think Vladmir Horowitz agrees with me), but Eriol was not exactly happy with the instrument's endurance. He bought it brand new, so he had to tune it every two to three weeks, a tiresome and expensive task. When it finally got better, by the time he was supposedly seven, I believe, it lasted until now, and suddenly it broke down. Several of the hammers got loose and wouldn't hit the strings. The brass nails rusted so the hammers needed to be replaced. The pedals creaked noisily. Eriol was having a terrible time. It's not nice to play Moonlight by Beethoven when you hear creaks in the midst of all the peace and quiet, plus stumbles and sloppiness because there were missing notes, and clicks to replace them because the hammer hits somewhere else. Eriol was as happy as I was.

And then came Xuyan, who practices his violin everyday as well as cello. A busy life for an eleven year old. He was doing alright in school, Jingxi had helped him a little with his Japanese. He knows a fairly decent amount of words as well as grammar, but his vocabulary still needs filling. He and Syaoran found out something else to compete with, other than martial arts. Luckily, he and Syaoran were on the same team. Otherwise Syaoran's toast. Soccer involves a lot of kicking. The only problem Xuyan had, was kicking a little too high. Syaoran had a little more control over his legs, as did Eriol. Xuyan had decided to become the attacker, Eriol the defender, and Syaoran, at what was the best for his health, the goalie. Of course, they switch places. But goalie was the best for Syaoran. Yamazaki had to compete with Eriol. All of the sudden, there was a whole lot of competition. It has to do with going soon to middle school, I guess.

Tomoyo was actually quite busy. Now she had quite a few things to film. Eriol, mostly, though. Especially when he is an attacker on the field. Eriol also went to concerts, played in them actually. Count on Tomoyo-chan to record everything. I once wrote to Eriol telling him he should record Tomoyo for a change, but not a chance. Tomoyo's the camera specialist. Eriol's just the scene. And then we get to some interesting tapes Tomoyo had about cheerleading practice, which in this case is mostly about Sakura doing her perfect somersaults, but there were others-Noako with her glasses that kept on falling off everytime she jumped. ( She should learn to wear contacts) Chiharu with her pigtails dancing as she moved her head. It was mighty interesting. 

And last but not least, the kawaii Sakura-chan! Forget about magic, just learn to feed Kero and keep him quiet. She was a little sad that Touya had gone off. " It's very quiet", was what she said. But life is normal, life is good, there are no cards in danger, no people in danger, no judgements, no trials, no tests from Clow Reed, no mysterious auras, no weird rains or oversized bears. Just plain, simple, jolly old ordinary life. Nothing strange, and nothing special.

All of the children were studying hard for the upcoming middle school admissions test. They all want to go to the best school, after all. So it was quite a busy month, or busy group of months, however you want to call it. We could have forgotten all about that summer. Could have.

  
  
There are times when one wants to escape. Not run away, exactly, because you plan to come back. But then you forget to, you were feeling too good, too happy. That was a mistake we all made. Li Jingxi played a bigger role in our lives than we had thought. And then when he was gone, we weren't ready for it. 


	30. Chapter 29-Xuyan

The Disease that Killed Love

Author's Notes: By the way, I was kind of wondering if it would be a good idea to blend a little Yugioh into this fic. I need the duel monster cards and millenium items to heal Syaoran if I decide to end this story with a happy ending. But I also know that there are some people who probably do not like crossovers or Yugioh. Please review and tell me your opinion on this matter.

Chapter 29-Xuyan

Jingxi and I always had this grudge against each other. It intensified because we were cousins. But trust me, anyone would be a little resentful if someone weaker than they accomplished more than they could. And that was just the type of person Jingxi was. He was weak, he was ill, he was fated to die, and yet he came out the best, in the spotlight, plus the newspapers, while I, a healthy person, who works equally hard and grassively, just loomed into the shadow. Which is what happened to Syaoran and Sakura, the girl got the spotlight while Syaoran got the shadow, although that quickly changed.

So anyone should understand why we were always competing. At first, it was simply a test to see if Syaoran was as good as I am, not because I'm proud or anything, just out of curiosity. That curiosity killed all the confidence I had in myself, so I guess out of logic I had reason to hate Syaoran, however unacceptable it may be. Syaoran worked hard, truthfully, for in this story there are no lies. Every word was simple truth, except for the opinions, which are neither true nor false. But at the same time, it is equally logical that Syaoran would get the spotlight and I nothing, now that I think of it. Just because Syaoran gets the name, doesn't mean he was better than me. And what I mean is, I'm a very careless person, not because I want to be, but simply because my brain is too quick. And at the same time, I get impatient with slow things, so I skim over them, sometimes making mistakes. This cannot be helped without music, but music didn't help much at that time either, because I still miss notes, my scales get slightly sloppy, and everything gets messed up. Jingxi, on the other hand, is very smart, but he is slow, not his mind functions, but his movements. And with his brain quick and his muscles slow, he was bound to get slower. Also, he has little endurance, and he knows it, which made him concentrate more than most people, as well as mature quicker in the name of ' necessity'. Which is why he scores hundreds on tests but never has enough time to check over his answers; he always has to stop on long ones and does short ones slowly. I, have plenty of time to check my answers; only I'm too impatient to do so.

And now that I am more mature, as I think I realize that in cello Jingxi was probably not much better than me either. I read tons of books, mostly classics, he reads a lot but doesn't understand it. I understood the books, he doesn't, but he enjoys it. But at the same time he's living in a classical story himself, he was filled with pain, as most books are. So we had a touch with music, we both understood it. But when it comes to competitions, judges are usually sympathetic, unless they're very old, or you're very old. In that case they're indifferent. But with five, six, seven, eight year olds like us, judges had to be nice, unless they're plainly evil, which is impossible, or they're in a bad mood, which doesn't happen often. I was strong, tall for my age, considered handsome or going to be. I had the strength to play Beethoven. Syaoran, on the other hand, was weak, medium height but very feminish, with a tired but determined look in his eyes. The competitions are usually ones that involve all ages. Judges think he's younger than he is, base him on his health, his ' age', and mark him as first place because he supposedly did better for his age than others. I also realized that second place was just the name; many times we had tied. So all that goofing around all those years was just childish nonsense, although the jealousy was not.

  
  
Syaoran was a pretty good goalie. He's a good player in the field, but resting every ten minutes was just too much for the coach. He had fun, you can see it. Eriol once joked that maybe Syaoran would give up the cello for soccer. At which Syaoran wacked him lightly with his bow. I was tuning my violin. Eriol was testing his pedal on his piano, quite a good piano it use to be, and what a racket it made. The pedal creaked, crrrrrk, crrrrrk, like wood scratching wood. It was horrible.

Jingxi had been goalie again, I think it was a Thursday, when the ball came straight for the goal, and Syaoran caught it. He fell to the grass and didn't get up again. I had thought, gee, this is not the world cup, you don't have to hug the ball, but when I turned him over he didn't respond.

At first I didn't react, maybe because my mind was blocking it, so I shook him, again and again, and his body fell limp and the ball rolled out of his hands. His eyes were closed, his mouth tight, his hands limp. Eriol came running up to me, sweating, hot and panting.

" What's wrong? What happened?"

I felt Syaoran's nose. No breath. His neck, no pulse.  
" Oh shoot!" I jumped up, expecting the worst. " Eriol, ano, do you have a cell phone? Anyone?!"

I know how to take care of Syaoran, despite what many may think. And Syaoran never, _never_ fainted like that, with his aura gone, his breathing still, and his skin suddenly cold. Whenever he fainted, there was always an aura, small but sure, that kept him in this world. When he sleeps, that's a different story, but not when he faints. Now that aura was gone.

I was seriously freaked out and horrified. Yamazaki, the good for nothing storyteller, happened to have something useful, and I took his phone and quickly dialed Yukito's phone number.

I caught him right in the middle of class. At first he got really upset, because this ring was going to cost him. Then, the other side went all quiet. I was standing guard, protecting and shielding Syaoran from the sun, while Eriol tried to find any signs that Syaoran was alive.

" Oh, alright. Arigatou. Ja." I didn't think Yukito understood me at first, but when he hung up, I guess that was that.

" Alright Xuyan-san," Eriol was next to me, scaring me out of my wits. " You better help me with Syaoran. Oh my _god!!_"  
" Huh? Nani? What is it?"  
" _You!_" Eriol's eyes were wide. " How did you do that? How did you? I mean, of course you did..." He looked away and thought for a while.  
I stood there, not comprehending.  
" Of course." He said at last. " That was why we all felt very uncomfortable. Your aura was black all along." He eyed me warily. At first I was confused, than I realized what he meant.

What most people, perhaps, don't know, is that I had carried some kind of evil force within me ever since I was born. It seems that the Li clan was cursed, because everyone of that blood was in danger of some kind of evil luck. Meiling, for example, was born without magic. Syaoran's father was an immortal. I had a black aura. I wield dark magic.

" Oh well," Eriol looked at me. " If you have that magic, than you're capable of bringing him back."  
" I never tried." it was the truth. " I'm not sure I can do it."  
" I know. And you can't try that with Meiling anyway, because her body's torn." Eriol was thinking and not minding me anymore. " Xuyan, you make sure no one touches him, and tell them everything if that keeps them away. Shoot, his skin's delicate," He poked at Syaoran as if he were a cockroach, but the skin teared. " Eee, pink. He's very brittle. Make sure no one touches him, and don't you go harming him either. I'm going to find Sakura. I wonder, did she give him the cards?" Eriol turned and ran back, feeling Syaoran's pockets carefully. " Iie." He stood up and left.

I seriously had no idea what Eriol was talking about, but I kept everyone away from Syaoran. There was something about him that seems to be rotting. And I could almost smell the smell in the air. But it couldn't be; he just died, and the rotting takes some time.

Eriol came back about fifteen minutes later with Sakura close behind him. No one spoke, not one boy. I held the soccer ball and was stampin on it impatiently with my foot, careful not to let the ball skit towards Syaoran. Eriol whispered something to Sakura, who nodded and took out a card.

One might expect me to say, " Hey! In front of everyone?" But I didn't. Quite frankly, I didn't really care if it takes ten years to explain everything about the magic, its history, what the cards are, who Syaoran really is, as long as he's here to join in the talking. So I remained silent, the coach watched curiously ( I had shooed him away from Syaoran, the punishment for boldness and disrespect can come later.) There was a dim glow that surrounded Sakura, bluish mixed with pink, wait, no, a funny color I can't describe. It wasn't exactly purple, but it was a color I couldn't identify. But the feeling was Dream Card, a good choice, if Syaoran's soul is still in his body, but it's not. However, I wasn't the one who studied the Clow Cards.

Sakura went limp and collapsed beside Syaoran, the two sleeping beauties, and if it sounds funny it's not. Because this time, the kiss wouldn't do anything.  
" Now's the time, when you can lend a little of whatever you have to her." Eriol told me sternly. I nodded, pressed my hands on Sakura's shoulders and concentrated.

If you had ever tried self hypnosis, or tried something that can help you sleep other than pills and massage, than you would get an idea of how it felt like. It felt quite eerie, I had never done this before, and I believe I did it wrong. After all, Eriol had said to lend Sakura what strength I had. Instead, I ended up in the same place with her, using her body as a portal.

  
  
I do not remember what went on at the gate to the dead. I only know what had really happened to Syaoran. The ball had hit him right when he was starting to have a reaction, somewhere deep in his body, towards some aura of some magic. The ball carried its energy and had enhanced the reaction, causing him to die immediately, like a strong heart attack or stroke. I guess the ball had carried some magic, perhaps Eriol's or mine, and had really caused a deadly accident. The rotting feeling was because the body _is_ rotting, not physically, because rotting is, after all, the process of decomposing, or in other words, bacteria eating at your insides. The magic started to eat little by little at Syaoran, as if the immune system belonged to someone else and didn't recognize Syaoran's organs.

The three of us woke up really tired. Eriol was standing over me, feeling my forehead.  
" I knew you could do it. How do you feel?" He asked me.  
I was grateful for his faith, but the problem is I was feeling nauseous and upset. All of the sudden I was grumpy, and I told him that, smart me. Eriol was understanding, he seemed suddenly relaxed, and he tended to the others.

I stood up and then for the first time I noticed my clothes. Black and purple, with the symbols of the clan. I dusted myself off, too grumpy to be surprised. So instead I said,  
" Why the heck am I wearing this stupid thing for?"

In actuality, the clothes weren't exactly stupid, but they _were_ out of place and time. And they _were_ strange. I'm regular old Xuyan, so I didn't see why I should get this, but they were robes, of course, made of black silk, the type that is quite heavy and shiny, like one of those Chinese silk dresses, _qi pao_. It was quite warm, surprisingly. I wore a purple belt, one that really squeezes your stomach until you can't breathe. I was not happy. The bottom part of the robe was wide, like a dress, but it went straight down. There were four slits; one in the front, one in the back, and at the sides. I seriously didn't know whether to feel subconscious and stupid, or pleased and surprised. It _was_ like a dress. The sleeves were loose but not baggy, and there was loose, long purple cuffs. I was dressed halfway between a Qing dynasty Emperor and a Ming dynasty noble. It was one of the weirdest piece together outfits that I know of, that actually worked because you can't really combine European King with Native American Chief.

The only thing I was glad about was the hat, actually, because it was like Syaoran's, instead of the cupcake hat of Qing dynasty on men with long pigtails. I think that time people are starting to get the wrong idea about fashion-but than again, you won't worry about losing your hair; you're already pretty much bald. While Syaoran's was gold at the sides, mine was purple, yet again. For quite a long time I didn't know what this is about, and for the present I won't mention any of it.

Sakura wore a Japanese outfit, appropriately, the only problem is it looked too Chinese to be Japanese. And I guess the reason for that was because Japanese _was_ Chinese anyway, that remark being factual and not opinionated so don't think I'm discriminating anyone. Pink, like her name, pink and red, with white, the flower of the field. She no longer had those pigtails on top of her head, which were quite, ahem, kawaii for an eleven year old but not for a twelve. And without the pigtails one would realize that her hair was pretty much the same length, except for the stray and front hair which were shorter. She wore no hat, her dress was simple, but it had a godly feel, a display of might and power. In her hand the staff was held, the star no longer a simple star but engraved with many designs. The ring around the star was carved with words, words, perhaps the incantation she uses. But the words were not modern but very old, very _chinese_, because it was underdeveloped chaligraphy that came from the Latinlike China. Her outfit was silk as well, but not heavy and shiny like mine, more of satinlike, with a sandy texture that is light and fluttery. _She _had baggy sleeves, not too baggy, but loose, and her dress reached down to the ground. She had a belt of read against her pink dress, simple, without design, and the collar, pink as well, had white edges, small, thin white ages. It was a cross between a kimono and a modern Chinese dress.

Just the two of us would have made our team start, after all, we had been wearing uniforms. But if you add Syaoran, it would take some pages to tell. He had woken up very pale, his aura flickering wildly, and he was a tired child, exhausted and lost. When he looked at himself he gave a start, nearly fell, and was caught by Eriol, who did not seem very surprised at our outfits. ( I grew to learn much later it's hard to surprise him.) He wore pretty much his own outfit, except on his chest area there was some weird design that took me some time to figure out, and I'll tell, for fear of keeping too much suspense. It was actually a fancy dragon, the most powerful of all immortal creatures in the Chinese culture, and that dragon actually meant protection. Now this is actually quite queer, because when you talk about guardians to Chinese people, you're actually talking about lions. ( I grew to observe that Chinese lions look like Asian dragons and Jewish lions look mostly like golden retrievers.) But dragons are not guardians. They are actually wild, they are their own creature. They have no mind for mortals like ' us'. Nor do they mind immortals like Buddha. So when a dragon is guarding you, there's something going on.

The dragon, a golden one by the way, was stretched out, and I found the chest area to be the head. It went up and down, as if it was dancing, which is actually how it flies. Syaoran had the sword, but this time it was at his belt. The sword had changed. Instead of the dark stone in the hilt it had an emerald. The hilt was made of white gold. The blade was made of blue steel, I think. Syaoran had the sword. I had a pole, which can change sizes, and when I saw that, being grumpy that I was, the first thing I thought about was that story about the journey of four immortals, or rather, three and a mortal, Xi You Ji for any Mandarin people who are interested. ( I use Mandarin because, after all, most people speak that.) It was mostly about a monk during the Tang Dynasty, plus an immortal pigman, a guy that was once evil, and an interesting monkey who knows seventy two immortal tricks and magic. And the first thing I remembered was that he use to put the pole he carries in his ear. I was _not_ going to do that.

So Syaoran had a sword, and he drew it, stared at it, put it back. Then he drew it out again and lifted it into the sunlight. On the blade, in clear symbols, some kind of writing was written on it.

Eriol took the sword carefully and read it.

" What does it say?" Sakura asked. Something about her changed.  
" It is in an ancient language." Eriol blinked. " I think I know what it says, but not exactly. It's a mixture of chaligraphy, hereoglyphics, and characters. But they're not very...modern, I should say. I think...this is a warning." He looked up at Syaoran carefully. Then at the dragon.  
" A warning not to touch Jingxi," Eriol turned to Sakura. " Do you remember anything of what happened?"

We did, after all, we just came back. But now I forgot, as did she, so I cannot tell here.

" Give me that." Syaoran held out his hand. Eriol handed the sword over, and Syaoran read it to us. I remember thinking, _since when could Syaoran read these things?_

" _Whoever touches the half mortal will bear the penalty of the dead.  
The half mortal is protected by the Great Dragon.  
Those who will sincerely aid the half mortal would receive the same protection,   
But those who harm will face the wrath of all three.  
_Some warning, I would suppose." Syaoran looked up.  
" Who are the three though?" I asked. I had a feeling I knew, I just wanted to make sure.  
Eriol knew. " I'm not any more sure than you, Xuyan, but I think it is you three."  
" Or maybe the dead, the dragon and the half mortal, although that's not exactly _three_." Sakura pointed out.  
" Possibly, I doubt it." Eriol shrugged.  
" Ahem."

We turned.

Just several minutes ago Syaoran was dead.

Just several minutes ago we were wearing uniforms.

" Hoeeeee!!!" 


	31. Chapter 30, Last Chapter of Book I-Syaor...

The Disease that Killed Love

Author's Notes: I've decided not to turn this into a crossover. But the ending is still in doubt. Please don't hurt me.

Chapter 30-Syaoran

It took some time. It was after school anyway, so we took all the time we needed, which was a lot. I, being Syaoran, didn't participate in any of the explaining. Sakura looked really cute, stammering, frustrated that she couldn't explain it right. It was a delight to watch her.

Later, I got home, Xuyan and Sakura with me, still dressed in our outfits. I didn't really care how people stared at us, I was pretty much deaf and blind to everything. When I got home I just went to the couch and sat down, not caring. Sakura and Xuyan sat next to me, while Eriol, who also had followed us, sat down at a chair. I was so tired I didn't really care if robbers come in, as long as they leave me alone. And then _Ring ring_, went the phone. I knew who it was. I was so tired, but I picked it up anyway.

" Moshi moshi?" I asked.  
" Syaoran!" Yukito's voice sounded surprised, and than relieved. " Are you alright? Was Xuyan fooling around or-"  
" Iie, he wasn't. I died." I said it so flatly it was almost funny. But Yukito didn't laugh. " Only for several minutes. Sakura and Xuyan helped save me. I don't know how."  
" The Dream Card." Sakura called.  
" Hai, the Dream Card, I guess." I was ready to collapse. I was so tired.  
" Thank goodness! I was so scared, I called again and again and no one was home. I called Sakura's, I called Eriol's, that is, when I thought soccer practice was over. Did it happen because you're tired? Try not to run too hard, you're the goalie most of the time, and don't get so excited, it's bad for your heart, and with all the pink blood in your system you shouldn't use that much energy. Do you drink enough water? Are you alright? How do you feel?"  
" I'm okay now." I wasn't going to answer all the others.  
" Do you want me to come home? I'm so glad you're alright!"

I smiled. It touched me to know that someone cared so much about me, no doubt Yue had felt what Yukito did, since they are the same person. I considered the offer.  
" Would it bother you? I mean, with your classes-"  
" Why the heck are you worrying about that? Of course not!" Yukito was so relieved his voice cracked. " So do you?"  
" I would like it." I admitted.  
" Alright. I'll get there as soon as I can. You know, when Xuyan called, I was so dumbfounded I didn't even realize what he said. It's when To-ya asked me when I finally woke up. It was so weird. Anyway, as long as you're alright, everything is fine. Do you think you can stay that way?" There was humor in his voice, he had calmed down.  
" Of course." I smiled. " Arigatou, Yukito-san," I don't call Yukito ' Father' because Yukito's the one that's eighteen.  
" Alright. Take care of yourself. When I get home, tell me everything." Yukito said warmly.  
" Hai." I smiled. " Ja."

" Everything's settled down?" Xuyan asked, still in his robes, which fitted him nicely but he looked stupid in the present setting.  
" Yeah." I had switched to Cantonese with him. " You know," I continued, in Japanese this time, " It was weird. I forgot almost everything."  
" Hai, me too." Sakura looked at Xuyan. Xuyan nodded in agreement.  
" I don't remember how you managed to come back. How we came back." Sakura looked at me.   
" Me neither." I shrugged. " I certainly don't know where these clothes came from." I looked at myself. " These are not my robes."  
" Tomoyo-chan would never be able to make these." Sakura looked at herself. " For once, normal and not, well, weird."  
" I perhaps look the worst out of all of us." Xuyan looked at me. I grinned and nodded. I smile so much now.  
" Hai, you look so stupid. Wu huang wan sui wan wan sui! Bi xia!"  
" Shut up!" Xuyan was blushing. " Although being an Emperor would be nice-"  
" Don't even think about it." I turned.  
" Be quiet, isn't it enough I'm wearing this stupid thing? Wait a minute, why didn't I think of it? I'll be right back." Xuyan got up and hurried upstairs.  
" He went to change." I smiled.

It was strange. I was the only one laughing. No one else was. Perhaps the trip to the dead made me lighthearted. Happy. Which I hardly was. I felt hyper. So hyper, and no one else understood why.

We read the inscription, Eriol looked over at all of us, over and over again. Then, it was late, he went home, Sakura went home, that was that. I changed, Xuyan was in his regular clothing but I never stopped teasing him about it. And I wondered, where did I get these feelings? I guess other people wonder too. Why was I so cheerful?

  
  
By the end of that week, which was Friday, Eriol had the whole thing figured out, the whole thing about why we were dressed the way we did. It took some two days work, by which Yukito hadn't come home yet.

Somehow the trip to the dead had enhanced our powers. Xuyan had black magic, but he was actually a sorceror of the dead, making him control the forces of the dead realm. Sakura was already powerful to begin with, but now she no longer needed her staff to summon the magic of her cards, and she had learned, through that one trip, how to combine them. Windy and Earthy, Firey and Watery, Light and Dark, Mirror and Shield. How to summon all of them at once, she doesn't know, but she knows its possible. The staff, no longer really needed, is now here to show her status, the Mistress of Cards.

I had more powers than usual, but Eriol believed that I was favored by all immortals except, perhaps, the monks that had just gone. I was spared the responsibility of handling a lot of magic, because I was protected. He didn't know why I was favored, but I was favored, and that was all that's important.

And he had a feeling that there was something coming. Something much bigger than monks or sorcerors, immortals or beasts. Something large was coming, and the dead are uneasy.

  
  
I stayed home the next Monday and Tuesday. Yukito called every day in the morning and evening. He had several major tests that he couldn't miss. I told him it was alright. He could stay there for as long as he needed to.

I really wanted to go to school, of course, not because it was fun, because it was not. Quite frankly, I was always tired by the end of the day. But Japan is not like America, after all, and there was always something going on each day. Something new in Science. Japanese History. Math. Japanese. I didn't want to miss any of it, but what can I do? The disease frightened my friends more than they let on. And Xuyan promised to shave my head into Cang Xi style if he sees me anywhere but at home, quite kind of him.

And I was so tired, so tired. I was tired of all the medicine, all the chocolate which was beginning to make me sick, and all the fuss. I wanted it to get over with. But the three sorcerors still didn't find a cure. At least they stopped pouring things into my head. They realized I didn't need it anymore. I had wondered, is this a good thing?

And good old Sakura-chan, the kawaii little mistress with all her nice costumes went so far as to ask Kero to make sure I stay there. I sometimes wondered if I should feel bad, because this may mean they don't trust me. But what can I say? One does not get friends like these all the time, and Sakura had just jumped into my life without me being aware-wait, it was the other way around. _I_ jumped into _her_ life without her being-I'm not sure which way it was anymore. Somehow, I had gotten a rare chance. It took me a long time to realize-I was no socializer. Sometimes I wondered, how did I fall in love? And I see all the care Sakura gives, all the love, all the joy, and it's hard not to understand. But she has to be careful. The world no longer accepts such people. She needs to be on guard-

Yet it wouldn't be Sakura, would it?

  
  
One Monday night I had a dream. I'm not the one who has dreams, neither is Eriol, anymore that is, for Sakura was the one who sees such things. But this time my dream turned out to be real. It was dark, darker than night, almost as dark as the gate to the dead world, but in the dead world it was darker than dark. There was no light nor darkness. But this time, the dream was full of something, full of...

I remember the air was still, dead and still, but it was cool enough not to choke on, and there was something in the air. A faint smell of water and age. Far far away, on a smooth, high wall, made of stone, pure stone, there was a carving. No, carvings. Large and detailed, there was unmistakably a carving of Clow Reed, of Otou-san, of Kero, Ruby-san, and Spinel-san. All in their true forms. There seemed to be the book of Clow; I don't remember very well, but it all led to a girl, small, young, about three years old, who became older, about ten, with a cute staff. Next to her was-me? With my sword drawn, and there was a sword sliced into my heart, which was very visible, but there was a cloud beside it, as if I was heartbroken without knowing it. Sakura became the Card Mistress, Otou-san was there, and then there was a carving of Eriol inside Clow Reed, all very clear and very understandable. Eriol had his eyes closed behind his glasses, his hand held out in front of him, like the cards he had made, one hand a staff, the other a card, to signify who he was. The big Clow Reed, much taller than Eriol, held the staff and card with him. Victory to Sakura, her staff on the ground, standing tall and proud, and there was my carving, my head bowed a little, smiling, but holding the sword in my heart, still very visible. I was barely visible behind Sakura, for some reason. Yue and Kero were standing beside her, making me even harder to see. Eriol was smiling, no longer inside Clow Reed, holding out his hand to Sakura, his staff in his other hand, his body sideways.

On Tuesday, Yukito came home. 

  
  
End of Book I 


End file.
